Closure, Trust & Vacation

Its been a few months, I switched from Chrome to Opera and forgot about Blogger since its not on my Speed Dial. Now it is, so lets catch up!

I'm finally reaching some sense of closure with my ex-friends, I used to look at our friendship with joy and in some ways I still look at the good moments that way but I realize now the way they treated me at the end was not good and I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was. I did everything I could to go out of my way for them and I just need to find better people I guess. I've started to revisit The Division 1 and Destiny 1 and while it feels weird because those games gave me so many good memories with them I feel a sense like I can finally let go of those feelings and move on without them.

Despite all of that I have been distancing myself from people, I am just scared of being hurt lately so I kind of just not engage with anyone besides Jacob and Michael. This goes for meeting friends and a potential third for our relationship. Maybe all I need is time to feel comfortable again but right now I just don't trust anyone and these days with how crazy people act trust is hard to find.

Me and Jacob will be flying in a few days to California, we are picking up his stuff in storage and then road tripping back here. I am super excited and I will be filming the experience both for Bears On The Coast and also the music video for Perfect from my latest album "Continue". This is my first trip real vacation and trip with Jacob so I am very excited for that.

3 Months Sober, Return to Guild Wars 2 and Dealing with Self Doubt

About six days ago was my third month being sober, it feels weird honestly. Like I recognize this is how I used to be but its feel strange and I am just not used to it. Its almost overwhelming to be honest, like theirs moments where I can't handle being with me but I push through it or I climb in to bed and just let it ride its course. But I am proud of making to 3 months at this point.

I've started to play Guild Wars 2 again, that was my first MMORPG so it holds a close place in my heart and it feels like going back home, the game still holds up to this day. Its really good, I wish the game could be played with controller. That is my only criticism of the game, now if only I can find some people to play with.

Other than that everything here has been kind of a blur, I've taken some time off from promoting my music because I feel very overwhelmed by the response to it. Also I feel a lot of self doubt about my work so I am just trying to not listen to that. I am gonna try to finish another music video for the album if I can.

This is Fine, I love Roaches crawling on my Crotch...

Been a little while since I updated, got a new computer. My old one finally died so we had to replace her, got a HP Omen 25L which has been working for the most part. Beside the blue screen of death 2 days ago its been working fantastic, I have yet to install any of music software on it and it will probably be some time till I install it. Thinking about getting a laptop just for my music creation at this point so I can take it with me wherever I go and maybe I can do live shows with it being portable. Anyways that will be a ways off.

Last night was the final straw for me, to say I have been stressed out the last few months barely does it justice and the thing I have been stressed about is the amount of Palmetto Bugs we have seen in the apartment. We have seen between one to three a day in the apartment and its just been increasing, and last night it boiled over for me when one crawled up on to the bed, under the blanket and then crawled my leg while I was sleeping. I am extremely scared and phobic of those fucking bugs and this was the last fucking straw for me. Michael says he wants to get someone to come and treat the apartment to keep them out, I think its a bigger problem then that. I honestly believe the apartment building is infested and I wish the people who owned the apartment gave a bigger shit but it seems they don't. They act like the dog in the burning room "This is fine". Its not for me and I refuse to live like this. No one should have to.

So lets hope that gets resolved soon, I need to start promoting Continue again but been unable to do that between the Roach Motel being at full capacity and that stressing me the fuck out and also setting up the new computer.

Skinny Puppy Final Tour in St Pete

Hey everyone, so this past Tuesday I took Jacob to go see Skinny Puppy on their Final Tour. This was the first time he has ever seen them and probably will be the only time he will ever see them since this is gonna be their last tour. This was also the first time I had seen a concert probably since 2015, it had been a very long time. To say I was nervous was an understatement, when we got there I was nervous as hell. I don't do well in social settings because of my general and social anxiety but I do power through it or I would never leave the house at all and I can't just stay locked up inside the house so I push past my own comfort a lot of times so I can get out and do things. We got there and it was a lot of fun, I ended up getting a t-shirt and we found a spot near the stage to stand. Most of the people seems friendly enough so I got comfortable during the show and was moving around more and more and didn't give a fuck about anyone around me. Well Jacob had told me after the show when I leaned in on him that some asshole looked disgusted and tapped his girlfriend to point at us, I am so glad I didn't see this because that would have mentally fucked with me the whole show. I honestly don't get it, most of the Goth community is not homophobic in the slightest, its pretty much anything goes because everyone is already ostracized so everyone lets everyone be themselves. I guess that may not be a thing anymore, which is funny considering that their were straight couples there practically fucking and kissing there and all I did was lean on my boyfriend and hug on him, we didn't even kiss. Also their was a girl there in nothing but fishnets and a thong, no bra so if he can't handle me and my partner being affectionate maybe he shouldn't be there. Maybe he should go to preschool and learn how to deal with people again. Skinny Puppy was amazing live as always, the setlist was good too featuring some of my favorites like:

1. Human Disease
2. Hardset Head
3. Pedafly
4. The Choke
5. Assimilate

It was very well done and I am gonna seriously miss Skinny Puppy releasing new music and touring but I completely understand why they are doing it.

Continue?

 My sixth album "Continue" was released on Friday. I am absolutely floored by the response and amount of people listening to my music. 37 Listeners on Spotify alone may not sound like a lot but hey its something to me. I am really happy to see people resonating with "Perfect" as well as "Love Is A Sickness" which are the two top tracks being listened to the most off of the newest album.

When I started to work on Continue I wasn't sure I could make music anymore or even write or sing, and the thought of working on an album of all original music kind of scared me so I decided to take a bunch of songs I have that I never released and just finish vocals and work on adding to what I already had. The results that came out of that I am very pleased with and it really has helped to boost my confidence in my work. Also when I named the album "Continue" it was a question to myself, do I want to continue to make music? Right now, I want to say yes but I am also building my confidence back up while getting sober so we will see how the future unfolds.

I plan to do a few videos over the course of the year for the album to help promote the album. I am not comfortable performing live, never have been with my social and general anxiety however I would like to confront those fears one day. But until then I may work on doing a live stream performance down the road. In the meantime, I will also be working on re-releasing Kaleidoscope for the 10th Anniversary which is this year. I have talked to a couple of people already who want to do remixes for the album. I also need to get a few songs done but I have time to think about that.

This week has been hard, been having panic attacks happening to me almost every other hour and felt like I was going crazy. I guess thats just part of getting sober from Meth. Glad to be off of that shit, doesn't mean I don't crave it sometimes but I at least feel like I am at a point where I can say no now which is great. Keeping myself distracted is really helping so I am gonna probably continue to do that. Staying productive.

Perfect, Kaleidoscope 10th Anniversary & Comfortable with Me

Woke up this morning with craving, pretty strong ones. Distracting myself with music production at the moment. Not sure what I did but apparently my track Perfect has been getting traction online, its being noticed and I love that. I am very happy something I made is resonating with people, originally I had written that song for a guy named Allister who basically because a complete psycho but I now see that song written for my partner Jacob. I want to do a music video for the track but all of the ideas I have for the music video are probably too expensive and I am thinking maybe just do a video with me and Jacob together in shots, showing our love for each other and then just performing the track. In the meantime I also want to do a video for either Everlasting Nothing or Love Is A Sickness. Not sure which one yet but I will figure it out soon enough.

My third album Kaleidoscope is turning 10 years old this year so I plan on releasing a special edition of the album that has unreleased tracks as well as remixes before the end of 2023 after I am finished promoting Continue. Here are all the songs that were unreleased but created during the Kaleidoscope Sessions:

After I posted The Long Road Ahead I went back to the very beginning of my blog and started to read it and spent the whole night reading blog entries. It kind of opened my mind to things I had since forgotten or blocked out of my mind and honestly things weren't as bad as I seem to remember. Things feel really bad now because of me trying to get sober but honestly I am hopeful for once and I feel like I really got this and I am learn more about myself from my posts and becoming more comfortable with me.

The Long Road Ahead

Been doing a good job of keeping shit to myself, not anymore. I need to let this shit out and I am gonna start writing blog posts more often. I can't do this on Facebook because for some reason people think that Facebook is just meant to show a perfect version of you that has no issues and everything is sunshine and rainbows. Life is white, black and gray, its not just one color. I am doing this for me and not anyone else so if someone gets offended that is their own issue. I need to do what is best for my mental health.

As of April 9th I will be 2 months sober from Methamphetamine, I binged for six days straight, didn't sleep and ended up going in to psychosis and almost losing my mind and that was it for me. Since then I've had nightmares, panic attacks and disturbing thoughts and dreams from time to time. I guess that will be permanent which is fine, I probably deserve it. No one deserves it but I should have been stronger, I should have done more. I know putting myself down won't help and honestly it just makes me feel worse about myself so lets move forward. I am proud of myself so far getting to 2 months, I want to stay off of the shit forever at this point. Its gone on for way too long and I can't go back but I can go forward and build a life without it.

Speaking of nightmares, I had one today, and it was extremely disturbing so trigger warning if anyone has any issues with suicidal thoughts. I am not suicidal, I am scared of getting hurt much less hurting myself but I had a horrible dream where me and my partner had a huge fight and I said "if you are gonna keep yelling at me then maybe we shouldn't be together", he walked off after I said that and I went to go find him and he had a revolver in his mouth and he shot himself in front of me. I started to scream and I woke up screaming and sweating like crazy and my partner put his arms around me while I cried and I hugged him close because I was scared it really happened. Again, probably one of the horrible side effects of using Meth. I hope this isn't permanent and if it is I will see what I can do if anything to lessen these dreams because I find them extremely disturbing and upsetting.

Today we had the Landlord's partner come over because our sink in the kitchen started leaking and I mean like a waterfall coming through the wall kind of leak. The plumber who came by last week replaced the pipe but left the wall completely open and we've had roaches and palmetto bugs pretty much showing up around and I am phobic of those bugs. They scare the shit out of me, so I wanted the wall closed. He came over today and first thing he noticed and addressed was not the sink but that this was a one bedroom apartment and me and Jacob living here was probably not legal and he basically went on and on about it to the point where honestly it stresses me out just thinking about it. If he needs to increase rent that is fine, Jacob is cool with that. If he kicks us out then we will find another place but what we are not doing is seperating. Michael, Jacob and myself are all chosen family and we will not abandon each other. It just really annoyed me because the landlord knows we've all be living here. I have been here for 11 years and Jacob, my partner moved in with me about 2 years ago and Michael has been here for 19 years. So its not like he didn't know we were here, but I guess his partner didn't know. I have no idea. I am just sick to my stomach with worry about what is going to happen. Anyone who has read my previous posts will know that I was homeless in NYC years ago and I have PTSD from that so today I was freaking out over being put in that situation again.

My therapist also switched to a different job so they put me with some new person at Meridian and well, she closed out with "we are gonna help you learn the skills within 12 months so you can go out on your own and function amongst society". Gurl, mental illness isn't a cold, here in Florida the Mental Health system is a joke. They will see you for a year and then discharge you like suddenly you are cured and you don't have depression or bipolar anymore. Its gone, you are cured. Its ridiculous so sadly I am not seeing anyone since they are the only choice here in Gainesville for mental health services and my hope is when we move from Florida I can find a new therapist where ever we move to and that state will probably have better mental health services.

With all of that I have been stressed out, trying keeping my shit together while also ignoring cravings and to say its been rough is a barely scratching the surface of how I feel right now.

I am scared to share how I feel about anything for the last several years online or on Facebook where most of the people I talk to are. Honestly I don't think they would care how I feel, how I am doing or if I were here or not. Thats sad to say but honestly they are online friends and I barely know any of them and I have tried to make friends. Its not like I don't try, but maybe I just suck at doing that because when I try I usually get ignored or treated like some piece of shit that is less than dirt and I just don't know what to do and the last thing I want is to yell and scream at people for being terrible human beings all the time. Its not my job to police people on their bad behavior which is why I have stopped doing my humor videos called "A Word From Dustin" because honestly it makes me feel like shit and stresses me out. No one should be as stressed and worried as I am but I am literally a walking and talking ball of stress and I hope by blogging again more regularly I can get this shit out, process it and help better myself and hopefully get completely sober long term.