Relapse Dream, 4 Years of Hell & Uploads for Dustin Studios

Just woke up and I had a pretty vivid "using dream" last night, I went to some guys house in the dream, he wasn't really attractive but I went because he had Meth and thats the real reason I went in the dream. I have done that in real life where I would go to have sex with some guys only because they had Meth and I didn't feel any attraction to them once so ever. He said we would have an hour to play and such so he handed me a shard and everytime I went to snort it something fucked up would happen like I wouldn't have the card to crush it up, I didn't have a straw to snort it, it would fall off the table. At some point I got annoyed and yelled at the guy and I grabbed a shard and went to the bathroom to do it, I was able to get that one done and I felt it a little bit but at the same time I was like "I want more" so I left the bathroom and the police were there and so were some people, it was fucking weird. But at that point I also realized it was a dream and that no matter how much I did of it I would never be satiated. It reminded me of the last time I used where I got an 8 ball but I believe he gave me way more than that, I ended up using for a week and half straight and that is very unusual for me because usually after 3 days I am over it and want to come down, not last time. I just wanted to keep going and needed more and was never satisfied. That scared me, thats why recovery is so important to me now. I'm glad that I was able to realize what the dream was, just my brain trying to get me to go back and I can't. I just can't anymore.

Since the election and the holidays I haven't felt like filming new Bears On The Coast material, since its a vlog about our lives I just don't feel like sharing our lives because well why? We are about to enter Hell and who knows how bad its going to be, also if you are different in any way shape or form basically the people who voted for Trump want you dead and it disturbs me that this is where we are in our country. I don't feel safe, I am scared for my life, for the life of my partner and my roommate, my friends and family. I am just scared and everyone else is acting like Question Hound right now, I have a very bad feeling about the next 4 years and I hope we can all make it through it.

Despite how I am feeling I have pushed myself to do a walkthrough of Dark Souls 1 Remastered, the first walkthrough I have ever done on my channel, I have also started to back up any live streams or old videos I have to my channel. I want the Dustin Studios channel to also be an archive for my previous work over the years, I plan to even put up some of my old Dustin Studios Volumes which were video tapes I made when I was a kid. I only have a few of them now and I've lost the rest over the years. For a long time I was embarrassed by them because people would say "oh your movies suck, you need to come back to reality, you'll never make a living doing videos or anything creative" but I realize now those people were wrong, sure the videos aren't professional but its the first time I started to stretch my creative wings and I can see from my old videos some of my humor and ideas that I would refine over the years and make them work in a more professional space. Its a part of my past and part of my journey to where I am now and I am not embarrassed by them. Also I have been told that I need to make separate channels for everything that is different from each other on YouTube and I just feel like thats too much for me to do, if thats how the algorithm works then fuck the algorithm. As I said before I want my channel to be the space where all of my creative work is in one place:

• Void of Axis
• Bears On The Coast
• A Word From Dustin
• Questionable Questions
• Burning Down the House with Jacob
• Chicken Chat
• VOAGamerCub Gaming
• Dustin Studios Classics

I want to make videos because I enjoy making them, not because I want to be rich or famous or anything. Its because it what I love to do and I feel like a lot of people on YouTube just do things just for money and I understand people need to make a living but at the same time I feel you also need to do things just because you love doing them. I have watched over the years as my work becomes more refined and more progress has been made to make my work more professional and I am learning as I am working on my creative projects so that makes me happy. This is my lifes work and this is what I intend to do till the day I die, this is how I want to spend my life.

Seasonal Depression, Close Call and starting the 12 Steps

 

Its been a little while since I last posted, been dealing with Seasonal Depression. When it gets cold like this I start to remember traumatic experiences from my past living in NY and it just pulls me down in to a swamp of despair that I can't escape from, sometimes after New Years it will go away but sometimes it can stay as long as the cold does. I'm not sure why cold triggers it, I think its because when I became homeless all those years ago I associate the cold with death and loneliness which I was feeling deeply during the two years I was homeless. Also I find it extremely fake that people put on a smile for the holidays like giving presents and "holiday cheer" fix deep rooted issues you've had with said people for years, so yea I prefer to just ignore the holiday and go about my business.

I had a Friend with Benefits come over and I think he was on Meth, he has done it with me before but he knows I don't do it anymore. I was extremely uncomfortable the entire time he was over here, I should have woken Jacob up and told him to leave, also he could have offered me to do it as well but he didn't so I guess thats why I didn't wake Jacob up but next time I know when something like that happens I need to listen to my gut and just get them out of the house because I don't want to screw up my sobriety. Since that happened that has only added to my Seasonal Depression, I have been sleeping a lot. I also missed my meeting so I will make sure on Wednesday I can make the New Years Day meeting.

Not sure if I mentioned this here but I decided maybe like two weeks ago that I finally feel like I am ready to sit down in my 12 Step Meeting and allow someone to sponsor me because I feel like I am flying without a parachute right now and as of next Wednesday I will be 90 Days Sober. The reason I needed time was because of how burned I was by my previous 12 step group, I feel comfortable in CMA so I feel I can now sit down and listen to someone help me through the 12 steps so I can work through this once and for all and get my life back without Meth in it. I talked with someone who I was nervous would say no about being my sponsor but they said yes. I am very excited to start working on things and seeing how my life can change once I start implementing these things in my life.

Void of Axis: Building the Seventh Studio Album (Beginnings)

I'd like to talk about my new album I am working on and really open up about my thought process working on it as well as what lead up to the decisions to make this record in the first place.

"Continue" was based off music I started in a side project to Void of Axis that I called Null Index probably back in 2015 so a lot of it is quite old. Not all of it was written during that time, Throw Me Away and Perfect came much later but tracks like "Everlasting Nothing, Love is a Sickness and Negativity" were made in 2015. The whole working idea I had behind Null Index was I would challenge myself to write a song, lyrics and record everything within a day and a lot of that stuff was born from those sessions. I could see myself in the future trying that approach again maybe for a sequel to "Continue" if I want to explore that 80's synthpop space again. "Continue" was a question to myself, at this time I was trying to get sober but also at the same time not being on top of myself about actually getting sober. So it was a question about whether I wanted to or if it was even possible for me to make music anymore. I was very scared to write music at the time and I didn't feel like I was ready to really open up about where I was so I took the pressure off of me and went in to my backlog and tried to find something that spoke to me in that moment and I had always wanted to release a lot of that music because I feel its really good but it just was never the right time when I would start to work on it. So taking the pressure off of me to write entirely new music I started to retool and finish up what I had made prior and that ended up becoming "Continue" and I am very happy that those tracks are not out in the world. I feel like I answered the question of whether or not I could continue to make music by releasing that album.

After "Continue" I took a break, I was still very scared of writing new music and part of that was because the last few songs I had released were "Perfect" and "One" which are some of the most upbeat and happiest songs I have ever made. Where I am currently is anything but that, and after much introspection I decided that if my audience truly enjoys my work they would want me to be honest with myself and write what experiences I am currently having. Void of Axis has always been a collection of experiences I have taken whether they been happy, traumatic, sad or angry, I take moments and use music as a form of therapy to get things off my chest. Right now the material I am writing has been some of the darkest I have ever written and when I first started I felt fans would dislike that since "Perfect" and "One" have shown I can make happier music and in the future I will make happier music but right now is not that time.

Since it has been years since I've written any new material I wasn't sure how to even start this time around, normally when I make an album I usually write a bunch of music first, then I go ahead and pick what I like best and write lyrics for those tracks. This time around its been completely different, I wasn't comfortable writing music because my past work would influence whatever would comes out and this time around I felt lyrics needed to be written. I challenged myself to write lyrics first without any music in mind just writing whatever I was feeling in that moment and the words just flowed. I have even found that I dropped a rule I had where words needed to rhyme in all my lyrics instead focusing on getting out exactly how was feeling in that moment completely. This has resulted in a lot of the lyrics feeling very confessional, deep and personal. It may be too personal for some honestly for some but this feels right to me and I am just going with my gut on this.

When I first created Void of Axis I had envisioned it to be an "audio/visual" project and the visual aspect of the project has been non-existent, I hope to change that going forward starting with this album as I have promised myself that I will not release the album until I feel like I have satisfied that part of the projects identity. In the past once I finish an album I just want people to hear it and throw it out there, this is a behavior I will change going forward. When I write albums I always have a visual in mind normally, when I created "Forest of Memories" I visualized myself in a forest surrounded by all of my memories and it being an ancient place of power that is home because all of who you are is there, our memories make us who we are.

When I finished about three songs I started to visualize where the album lives, I see depths that no light can reach where everything is cold, dark, dilapidated and desecrated. A place where all of my hopes and dreams have been thrown in to and now having sat in those depths for the last ten years they have become twisted and deformed amalgamations of there former selves to the point where I can't even recognize what they used to be in the first place. This is a place I willing threw myself in to ten years ago and only now ten years later am trying to climb out of. As I climb and see all I've done to myself, my hope and dreams, anger fills my heart, telling me to keep climbing. The closer I get to the top the more I can see the light but also I start to make out something else at the top, something dark, something sinister, something evil. I can see myself at the top looking down at me, hoping I fall.

That is when I figured out the title for the album, "Nothing and Nowhere". The title came from the idea that this place I am trapped in now is like a limbo, it feels like I am lost, unable to escape and I am trying my best but it all feels in vain, but I am not sad, I am just angry at this point. I want to get better, I want to have a good life, and I am tired of being in this place I will climb out of here and I won't let myself stop me. Let me be more direct if you want that, I am trying to escape my addiction which has completely destroyed who I was and my life, I am only now starting to get back in to finding who I am as well as that dark side of myself that wants to go back to it all but I know where that path leads, I have explored those depths and I don't want to die there. This album will be my climb to freedom.

People are Good?

So I am taking another social media break. I will still be posting blog entries here, but I am done with the fuckery that is the internet and the country that I live in which is the United States. We are anything but United.

I was already depressed because people decided to show how horrible they are by voting for Trump for a second term, but since the election, people have been going out and just being shitty as fuck. I mean they were shitty as fuck before that, but now they are advertising it, acting like everyone around them is an NPC, they don't have feelings or things going on in their lives to these people so they treat everyone who isn't them like garbage and its so stupid. I don't fucking get it, like a few weeks ago I went out with my friend Michael Livote who was visiting during Thanksgiving, we stopped at a Sonic and me and Jacob ordered our food and then Michael wanted to order his, he pushed the button literally right after we finished and they told him to wait...

And we waited...

And we waited...

And the our food came out and someone else pulled up behind us and he pushed the button and someone answered immediately. The excuse that was given was that they were busy, okay well your argument goes out the window when you literally answer in 0.5 seconds the guy who just pulled up when he pushed the button. What happened really was they forgot about Michael and didn't want to own their shit, instead they wanted to blame us so I asked for a manager and told her to refund my money. First of all, I ain't gonna sit there and eat food in front of my friend while he doesn't eat anything, that's just not right. Also its just on principle, she gave me an attitude and said she couldn't refund my money unless there's something with the food. Jacob stepped in at that point which I am glad for because I was about to go the fuck off, sorry but don't hold my money hostage when literally its not my fault that you won't own that you forgot he pressed the button. Sonic doesn't need my money that much, I highly doubt my 23 dollars is gonna make them go out of business. Another example is just this past weekend, Me and Jacob went to TJ Maxx so I could get some sweat pants and literally people were throwing things around, dropping shit all over the floor and not picking it up and just generally acting like uncivilized animals. On top of that this past week a man shot a CEO and the reasoning for it was because this CEO was basically denying thousands of people coverage and many people end up dying because they can't get the care they need. Now I want to say this, I am a pacifist, I don't believe war or violence solves anything. All it does is add a death toll to a problem, with that said, this company/CEO has murdered thousands by denying health coverage to people who needed it and couldn't get it, the shooter kills one person and the news media goes on a witch hunt along with a bunch of people who are also rich and in positions of power calling anyone who sympathizes with the shooter to be "sick"...

Okay, well when protesting and fighting for your rights in a non-violent doesn't work and it hasn't worked for a very very long time then what do you expect is going to happen? People are suffering and they are hurting and dying. Instead of being a human race that lifts each other up no matter what sex, gender, race or creed, physical, emotion or mental disabilities we put those with enough money front and center and those are the people who shape our world because only their voices are heard because they are the ones with the money to do that. If you look at social media lately the people who are front and center are people who have money and also don't care about who they have to put down as long as they can make money. Money is god, everything else is secondary, including human lives, if it gets in the way of you making money, so be it, guess some people need to die...

So with that said I don't condone what he did BUT I understand why he did it.

Because of all of that I am distancing myself from social media and I only plan to go outside to go for a walk or get groceries, besides that fuck the outside world right now. I'm sorry but I do not want to see people acting like apes flinging shit at each other. I have no idea if its better in other countries but I just know America is basically acting like a small child in the corner of the room at a birthday party where every other kid is being normal but America is playing with its own shit, painting on the walls, screaming and flinging it everywhere while talking about how great it is. That's America right now and its disgusting, we are a joke to the rest of the world.

I'm seriously considering if things get really bad here that maybe we need to leave America. I would hate to leave but if this place because Nazi Germany then we need to leave.

Literally as I finish this blog entry "People are Good" comes on by Depeche Mode, a perfect song representation of how I feel. Are people good? I don't know, I want to believe we can be, but until I see that I need to do what is best for me and my family and protect those I love.

Final Fantasy XIV: Disdorius Ironside Origins

I recently restarted my character on a game called Final Fantasy XIV, I wanted to do some world building surrounding my character so here goes my best shot at it.

Disdorius Ironside is a male Roegadyn of the Hellsguard Clan, brought up the city of Ala Mhigo until it was occupied 20 years ago. Disdorius would often go around helping those within the city with whatever needed odd jobs needed to be finished and helping those who needed food, shelter or coin. He would often do this at the expense of his own mental and physical limits which would sometimes result in him collapsing from exhaustion, his family would be there to help him back on his feet though. At the end of each day he would scale the walls of the city to watch the sunset over the horizon wondering about the world outside of him home and mysteries waiting to be discovered.

20 years ago Ala Mhigo was overtaken by the Garlean Empire, Disdorius and his family tried to escape the city only to be met by Garlean soldiers in the outskirts of Gyr Abania. Disdorius turned to see his mother and father far behind him, thinking he could turn and get to them in time only to be met by his father holding his hand out telling him without words to stop, they looked at Disdorius smiling one final time before the three Reaper Class Magitek Armors used there weapons upon them. Disdorius was filled with rage taking a step towards the Garlean solders only to stop and realize this was the only chance he was gonna have to escape, so begrudgingly he turned and entered the Black Shroud and ran until his feet were bloodied and blistered. On that day, Disdorius made a promise to avenge his parents and free Ala Mhigo one day, until then training his body and mind to become stronger, to be better and help those who needed it most.

 20 years later, Disdorius has started his journey traveling to coming to the shores of Limsa Lominsa for the first time. Joining the Adventures Guild and helping those around slowly making a name for himself.

To be continued...

60 Days Sober

Yesterday I earned my 60 day chip at my local CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous) meeting, I am proud of myself but also feel like I have such a long way to go. I am being extremely hard on myself because of my last relapse during Hurricane Helene. I convinced myself that I could use once a year and it not be a big deal, so I ended up getting an 8-ball which is way more than I ever got before and I ended up using for like a week and half. I started just before the hurricane hit and I felt off about doing it before then but once the power went out it was just extremely miserable, I started to feel sick and I wasn't drinking any water so I was extremely dehydrated. Jacob took me to the ER, I thought I was having a heart attack, I scared him and myself half to death and just writing about it and remembering it makes me feel like a horrible person. I never want to put Jacob through that again, ever. I got some fluids in me at the ER so I felt better, HOWEVER I was basically harassed by some lady and her family in the ER. I don't know what was going on, I was coughing a lot and tried to stay away from everyone but she was giving me a death stare. I honestly think she was just trying to fuck with me and it worked because at some point she was talking out loud about me and I told the doctor I was leaving after I got my fluids because I don't feel safe around someone who is gonna literally stare at me for 15 minutes straight like a psycho. I did the right thing because as soon as I left the ER that crazy bitch and her family got in to a car and were searching around the parking lot for me trying to harass me further. I have no idea why, people these days are fucking psychotic, that's all I've got to say. We spent the next few days at Darren's place and I felt horrible being like that there. I want to share this because I want to remember and never forget it, the last time I did it was so traumatizing not just to me but I never want to put Jacob or anyone else through that again.

When I started recovery again this time I decided to be very hard on myself, my anger has been fueling me to stay on track. However, now being at 60 days clean time I don't know if its making me hate myself or if this is how I've always felt after years and years of being told that I am not good enough. Literally the first time I can remember people being cruel to me was the kids in pre-school and its never stopped all the way to up to current day. I have always never been good enough for people and when you have heard it for so long eventually you start to believe it on some level and I guess for me I tried to numb myself so I didn't have to deal with those thoughts and feelings. Its been very hard, the last two days have been rough, been having horrible cravings and also two moments where I was questioning reality if what I was seeing or feeling was real. At the beginning of the year I binged for six days straight and started to hear voices and see people that weren't there, I had a psychotic break I believe and since then I have moments where I question if this is reality or not. Its fucking scary, in those moments I just have to sit down usually with Jacob or anyone to help pull me back.

I am scared that if I am kinder to myself I will forget and end up falling down the same hole again, I don't want that. I didn't want to have a sponsor when I started up the 12 steps again because I liked SMART Recovery unfortunately they have no meetings here in Gainesville, however I have softened to the idea of having a sponsor, but I will say if I have one it has to be someone I feel comfortable with because if its someone I don't jive with then its not gonna work. Thats just how I feel honestly so next week I may ask and see what happens. I am just scared of being rejected if I do ask, the last time I was in a 12 Step Program was with NA and those people kept telling me "you need to get a sponsor or you are gonna use again and this time its gonna be with a needle". It was very belittling and I hated it, I asked everyone and no one wanted to sponsor me including the ones telling me I needed to get a sponsor so basically in my mind everyone there was just an asshole. Sorry but don't tell me to look for something when no one wants to do it. Just shut your fucking mouth and not say anything at all, but thats just how I feel about people who do that. I really hope that doesn't happen again at the the CMA meeting because I am starting to feel comfortable with the people there. I'll write about what happens.

I was really phobic about giving a 12 Step another shot after what happened at the NA meeting I went to, the other issue I had was basically someone said to me that "you need to accept Jesus as your higher power or you are gonna relapse again". That instantaneously turned me off, I have been extremely phobic of the Christian faith and its only become worse in recent years with how crazy people have become. But so far I haven't felt like anyone is trying to convert me in to becoming a born again Christian because that will never fucking happen. I will never join a religion where sharing "God's Love" is basically hating on people who won't convert to your ways. Yea no I am good.

Flat Tire, Opening Track and AI

Yesterday we had to call Triple A because the tire on the back of our car was deflated. We put air in it on Thursday after we drove home from Thanksgiving but it was flat by the time we checked it the next morning. I think we somehow got a nail stuck in the tire, no idea if that happened while we were in town or when we drove down to New Port Richey. We got some new tires at Goodyear near by us, Heather was super helpful.

Started working on what I think is going to end up being the opening track for my next album, the name for the track is going to be "Relapse. Rinse. Repeat.", I want the track to feel like its starting and stopping over and over kind of like relapsing when you start over to get better and then fuck up and use again but in song form. That is how I want the album to open because that is where I have been the last few years, saying I will get sober and then secretly thinking "oh I can do it again and then I will stop" but it never does until you put your foot down and take it seriously. So far the only thing I have is drums and a bass guitar and sequencer bass line but I like it thus far.

We are currently watching "afrAId", I don't hate AI, I believe it should exist but I honestly believe that a lot of people see AI as a way to not use their brains anymore and just do the work for them. Instead of sitting down with a paint brush they write something in to a search box and the AI makes the art for them and they claim THEY made the artwork, not the AI. It pisses me off. Also I see the Human Race just using AI to do jobs they don't want to do and eventually pissing it off, we should know better but we don't. If I ever end up having kids I would want to parent them, I wouldn't want to have a machine do it, no offense to the machine but I want to do the work. I think a lot of parents just give a child an IPad and then let them do whatever, not me. The movie is good so far, if I hate the movie I'll let you know in my next post.