Nothing Can Stop Me Now (Because I Don't Care Anymore)

I am so fucking done right now. A few things are going to change going forward because honestly I don't give a fuck anymore, I really don't care anymore. I'm done putting my time and effort in to things that give me nothing in return and its sad because I thought I was good at a lot of these things but clearly I'm not because no one cares, which is fine because now I don't care either. So whats the point of wasting my time if I am basically invisible to everyone around me and everything I try to do doesn't matter? Let me explain:

First off, I hate Facebook.

I created another account maybe a year ago just to stay in touch with friends because a lot of people still use it and that is their primary way of keeping in touch with people. I understand the convenience of it, I do but that doesn't take away from the fact that the website itself is completely covered in shit.

Literally half the ads I see are scams, the news that is reported isn't even real and is usually just trying to make people angry. 9 out of 10 posts I see on my feed are just people trying to get other people angry and I just can't be angry 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Maybe some people can live in a diet of anger and bitterness but I can't. Its just not healthy. Also the joke is on the people on the platform who act like Facebook will be around forever and their "memories" won't disappear. NOTHING IS FOREVER. So when AI becomes sentient and takes over the internet and you can't access Facebook anymore what are you gonna do then? I guess die then because you clearly can't function without your fix, from one addict to another, it takes one to know one and well that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Going forward I will only keep my Messanger active so people can reach me but I won't be posting anymore on Facebook because fuck Zuckerberg and his shitty platform. If people don't want to talk to me outside of Facebook then I guess we weren't friends to begin with and that's fine. FUCK THEM.

Second, I will either be quitting Twitch or seriously changing how I stream moving forward.

When I stream I literally get no one watching, it happens maybe once in a blue moon. Jacob created a channel a few months ago, has an audience who consistently come to watch him and I struggle to get one person to even watch me so I guess I must be hideous or not fun to watch. Either way if that's the case then why the fuck am I streaming in the first place?

I originally chose to stream because I wanted to capture me playing video games and upload them to my YouTube channel so I can look back on those games and remember fondly those memories. I still kind of want to do that but maybe it would be better if I streamed it from YouTube so its directly on that platform so I don't have to move it. The other idea I have is if I do decide to stream on Twitch since no one is watching just turning off chat and any notifications because most of the people who do comment are bots and its very distracting when they are trying to sell me "artwork" or telling me to go to a website to get views. I want to focus on the game and not their stupid asses.

Third, I am pretty much done with making videos on YouTube. I will only really upload videos of my streams if I choose to continue that. If not then my channel will lie dormant at this point, same problem with Twitch, I used to work really hard on videos. I took 3 months doing my Resident Evil Highlights video and no one watched it, I don't care to put in so much effort and care in to something for no one to care about it. Yes I care about it or at least I used to. I don't anymore.

So what will I be doing at this point? The only thing I want to keep my focus on that I still care about at this point is my music. My music has always been a form of therapy for me so I find it very therapeutic to me so I'd like to keep doing it and I don't care if anyone listens to it. I am making it for me and no one else at this point. Because of this my current plan is to channel how I am feeling in to the ultimate "fuck you" album. I need to get this shit out of me I finally feel like I have a vision for the album and the songs I had for the EP fit with this so gonna convert them musically for the new project.

I also plan to keep Blogging because I have been enjoying getting back in to Blogging. It allows me to talk about what's going on in my life since right now I can't afford to see a therapist. I know no one reads this which is fine with me and even if people did read my blog I still want to be honest and truthful about my life and how I feel. I can't bottle up that shit even if I tried, my sister does that and she just blows up when it gets too much to bear. I can't do that.

I don't want to be angry, I just want peace of mind in my life and right now that is very hard. That's why I am gonna mainly stick to Bluesky, Music and Blogging. As I said people can't reach me via my phone if they have it or Messanger. Just gonna delete Facebook from my phone, I don't need access to that slop.

I want to leave with this, you need to do what is best for you and sometimes that is destroying everything that brings you down and only focusing on the things that bring you joy. That is what I am doing, I am restructuring my life now to fit with my values and the time I want to put in to things. Don't listen to what others want you to do, feel what it is in your heart that feels best for you and go with that. Always choose yourself and your peace of mind.

The Indecision of Art

I've got to say being an artist sucks sometimes, I want to release new music but I also feel like I want to take my time and experiment and see where I can take my music. I'd rather work on something and when its ready its ready. I am feeling that way about the EP I have mentioned that I am working on, I kind of want to sit back and take the tracks I've done and see if I can rework them in the current mindset I am in because I really want to do a fusion of Depeche Mode meets Nine Inch Nails musically. I want bright synths and hard heavy guitars so I am gonna push and see if the songs can be changed and morphed in to that and if they don't come out good then I will release them as is. Its kind of been interesting coming back to music and seeing how I want to work and how that has changed from the past. I think in the past whenever I make new music I want to release it immediately and I don't give it time to breath to see if it can be improved further. I want to take my time with it now so if that means less releases then that is fine with me. I know this world moves extremely fast now and I just can't create that fast so I need time to do what I can do and I know when its done it will be what I want to release. I do however want to see if I can get one track completely finished before the end of the year and released that way people who enjoy my music have something to look forward to so that will be my goal.

Bears on the Coast is done (for now), New Music coming next Month & Escaping Reality

Hey everyone, so I made the decision to not have Bears On The Coast return. Right now we are just surviving like many of you are doing as well and I don't feel like looking back on this time period at all, I want it to pass as soon as possible and block it from my memory forever. Sorry but we are truly living in horrific times and everyone is completely fine with the house burning down around them. Once Trump is out of office and sanity returns to the world I may feel differently but for right now I just don't want to document a time period of absolute stupidity. Also if you read my last blog entry I really want nothing to do with the Bear Community at this point, nor do I identify as one. Now what I would like to do is talk about everything that I am focusing my energy on.

I've completed lyrics for two tracks for my upcoming 4 track EP, still don't have a title for it but I will say this, the lyrics are very worldy. I didn't want to sing inward, I wanted to focus on things outside of myself because I need to get that shit out of me. I have always used music as a form of therapy and I want to talk about the state of the world and what I am seeing around me. The tracks themselves are Witch House themed, I kind of wanted to invoke a feeling of being inside of a dark place without necessarily going industrial like I have in the past. I wanted to challenge myself and I like artists like Sidewalks and Skeletons, Bitwvlf and Purity Ring so I wanted to channel some of that feeling in to these tracks. I did try to write a full album in that vein however I honestly feel like these days I don't need to force myself to make an album with 10 tracks. If I have a bunch of tracks I like why should I do more then I feel is necessary? These four tracks feel like they belong together and if I added to it I feel it would just bloat the overall message I want to convey. My plan is to get that out by October or November. Now you may be asking "what about the new synthpop industrial music you were working on?", I still plan on doing that and I have written some stuff but I am taking my time with that and I don't want to rush it. I also want to get some new music out since its been 3 years since my last release so yes I don't want to leave people hanging too long. I've played around with getting more releases out regularly rather than putting albums together and maybe doing EPs and singles here and there for the time being. We will see but I should update soon on the name and artwork for the EP since it needs to be released by next month.

I've gone back to streaming on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays on Twitch, I will mainly focus on that for the time being instead of doing other projects on my YouTube channel. We will see if that changes but for right now making new music and streaming are my primary focus and YouTube content besides my Twitch streams will take a back seat. As I said above, I just need an escape from the reality that I am currently living in and I refuse to do that with meth so I'm gonna focus on streaming and making music to express how I feel and I don't care if anyone likes it or not. I'm gonna be honest to myself and my feelings and thoughts.

Handing in my Bear Card

So I want to get this off my chest, I have never felt part of the Bear "Community" ever, and today I am making it clear that I don't wish to be part of the Bears because honestly I have never felt welcome by their "inclusive" community. I have been told that I am not big enough, not hairy enough, not butch enough...Hell I even got called a Twink once and not sure if you've looked at me but I ain't a fucking Twink. I haven't been for a very long time now. 

I always thought the Bear Community was suppose to be a place for those shunned by the other communities--those being the Muscle and Twink Communities, which seem to be the face of being gay, and if you don't fit in those two, gay men treat you like you are leper from a leper colony. I understand everyone has their attraction, but we need to stop acting like average men are ugly. We need to stop pushing the narrative that we all need to go to the gym to be desirable. The Bear Community was suppose to be a place for those who were shunned by the other communities. I was told it was a mindset and so I didn't see it as a look. Now its become a look, you basically have to be a certain weight, have a certain amount of body hair and have a beard. You also need to be butch which I should just point out that I see a lot of guys who fit the look but ain't butch at all so they can't even follow their own rules. I am just tired of being made to feel like I am a freak of nature or invisible for just being myself and being happy with myself. I ain't gonna change myself just to fix someone else narrow desires and I shouldn't have to.

At this point I am just a bearded non-binary person who has no affiliation to any group whether that be Bear or Goth or whatever. I am very tired of trying to fit in with people that clearly don't want me there so I will go where people enjoy my presence even if that group be small.

What does this mean for things like Bears on the Coast? Well clearly I will either want to change the name of the show. I ain't gonna promote to a community that doesn't want me in it. Now I want to be clear, I have had some good people who were Bears who treated me well, however the vast majority either ignored me or acted like I was a disease when I was there and I don't want to be around that kind of energy. Some of you will say "well that never happened to me", well I am not you and I'm happy you never had to experience the shit that I have but your experiences don't negate mine and I don't want to be somewhere I am not wanted.

Even here in Gainesville, the last time I went to a dinner gathering with them, one of them approached me afterward being all friendly to me and then said "well it was nice seeing you, see you in another 5-10 years". Like what the fuck, now I stopped going to the Bear Dinners because I didn't feel welcome, also I have been deal with my sobriety which takes priority over everything else in my life so yes I stopped going because I was deep in my addiction for a few years. But again that has to deal with the fact that I DIDN'T FEEL WELCOME THERE! And with comments like that it justifies why I feel the way that I do. I need to do what feels best for me and considering how fractured the LGBTQIA+ community is becoming lately with all the infighting I just want to be accepted for being myself regardless of how butch I am or how I look.

New Void of Axis in Fall, Bears on the Coast coming soon & Hello Nintendo Switch 2

Hey everyone, sorry its been a minute since I posted on here. Been focused on making new music and taking my time with whatever that becomes. I think I've finally settled on a sound and theme, I honestly think its just easier to write from a place of melancholy then to push myself to write something I am not feeling. So I am returning to a synthpop sound similar to Continue but it will also have hints of industrial there as well. I am kind of trying to find a weird mix between Nine Inch Nails meets Depeche Mode which I believe Void of Axis has always been trying to find that mix between the two. I have thought about taking the music I was working on before this and maybe releasing it as an EP so I may try to do that for October or November. We will see how that pans out.

We have started filming for Bears On The Coast again. Should have a new episode out soon, as I said before we are returning to basics and just filming normal stuff because we don't really travel like we use to. Its just too expensive to do that these days. These days I make content when I feel like it, my focus is doing stuff at my own pace and not force myself in to a place where it causes me distress. I think that is something I've been learning as I am focusing on my sobriety is trying to keep my inner peace and this is the way that I've been doing it.

Me and Jacob picked up a Nintendo Switch 2, we wanted to get one before September 1st when the system will shoot up 50 dollars to 550. So far I am loving it, I hate the Joy Cons though, the baby buttons suck ass. I can't wait to get a Pro Controller. The system came with a choice of 3 games to choose from, we decided to get Donkey Kong Bananza and it reminds me of Super Mario 64 but with Donkey Kong which is not bad. I love Super Mario 64 and wish they made a sequel to that game but nope. I also picked up Metroid Prime Remastered and Star Fox. As I said really enjoying the system so far and I think I will continue to do so. I just didn't enjoy the Wii U or the Switch 1, they felt underpowered and didn't have enough games to hook me. Especially with Sony basically telling its customers to shut up and be happy owning nothing I just wanted to go somewhere else where I can play video games and not be told to shut up and enjoy.

Bears on the Coast returning, Void of Axis music is progressing & Sony goes fully Digital

Bears on the Coast will be returning and we have decided to go back to basics. What this means is instead of the show being about where we go it is now just gonna be whatever we are doing in the moment and trust me we don't really go out these days thanks to everything being crazy expensive. In the meantime we hope you will enjoy a return to me, Michael and Jacob just living our lives and filming whatever is going on in the moment. I honestly feel like we lost the plot of the show when we started Season 2 and it became about topping ourselves and getting more and more crazy and that turned out to be way too much honestly. It was better when it was real and in the moment things that we can look back and remember fondly.

I've been really having a hard time trying to figure out what to do musically. Its like I have a billion ideas in my head but I can't settle on one. I am gonna lay down some rules for myself because right now if I keep working this way nothing will get finished. So I am gonna go back to basics musically and pull from what Void of Axis was originally a mix of which a weird marriage between Depeche Mode and Nine Inch Nails, my two biggest influences. With that in mind I started working on a new track called "Enough is Enough" and so far I am loving the results so maybe now we might finally get some results. I may have mentioned that I wanted to do a cover of "The Figurehead" by the Cure on one of my previous posts, with how expensive it would be I may just release that for free on my Soundcloud because I don't really care about making money from covers also getting the license would be way more expensive then its worth to me so I'll finish that whenever now. I am more interested in getting original music out now anyways so hopefully that gets finished before next year is over. That's the deadline I am giving myself.

Alright lets talk about Sony basically killing its business because some stupid CEO and Shareholders want money now at the expense of the entire brand being thrown in the toilet. PlayStation announced they are ending physical disc sales/production in January 2028 which means the only way you will be able to purchase new games is via the PlayStation Store. This basically kills the used game market, you can't share your games with others, and for people like myself and Jacob who are Collectors it also is a giant middle finger. I understand some people being like "oh well it doesn't effect me", well good for you but not everyone is you and people saying that are stupid selfish fuck faces. Not sorry.

Think beyond your own convenience for five seconds if that's possible because clearly you only care about if its good for you and no one else. Not everyone wants to purchase games at full price, not everyone wants to be stuck to one place to buy their products, and not everyone wants just a fully digital library. I'm glad if that's what you want but again, NOT EVERYONE IS YOU.

Also to be a complete bitch right now, what happens if you lose internet? In some cases you can't play your digital library without an internet connection verifying you own the licenses. Also Sony just took away 550 movies people bought and paid for and didn't issue refunds to anyone. If you honestly believe they won't do that to your games go ahead, get a PS6 and I'll just be sitting here with a bucket of popcorn watching you get fucked by Sony when they pull that shit and I'll I will have to say to you is this:

Setting the Record Straight = (Goodbye New York, Hello Michigan/Happy 23rd Birthday, Weekend From Hell, Someone Special)

Hey everyone, so when I came back to blogging a few days ago I sat down and went through some of my oldest entries just to remember where I was at those times, what my headspace was like and I can tell you I noticed I actually kept a lot of stuff out probably because of where I was living or who I was living with and I figured those people probably would read what I write and get mad at me. Thankfully I am in a better place and I give zero fucks these days at who I offend because sorry but if you did something shitty then you need to OWN YOUR SHIT. I am not perfect and I own when I make shitty decisions, but I see a lot of people don't, instead they think they are perfect and never do anything wrong. Anyways, I haven't had a therapist in a while (can't get one here in Florida unless I want to pay money which I don't have OR get a shitty free one) so I thought maybe I would go back through some posts and address where I was and get the story straight since in those old posts I was tiptoeing around people to keep the peace.

So lets start with the period of June to August of 2010, at that time I was living in the Bronx with my ex fiance Michael L. Little did I know that Fountain House was harassing him telling him that he couldn't have me living there with him and basically pushed him to kick me out threatening some action that they couldn't actually take because Michael owns his apartment, not Fountain Hoe. I found this out years later of course from Michael when we talked about it, he apologized to me for forcing me out. I really could have done without the 5 months of hell I endured up in Michigan but yet if I didn't end up there maybe I wouldn't have ended up with my current roommate Michael V. I think he regrets the decision honestly and I forgive him for that, I blame Fountain House more, they are suppose to be a supportive Mental Health Club House that is suppose to HELP YOU! Shoving people in to Homelessness is not HELPFUL so seriously fuck that place and everyone that works there. The people who work there are fake as fuck anyways and treat everyone there like we are all low functioning which is so rude anyways. Me and Michael L are in a better place now I believe, we have worked through our issues and I am happy to still have him in my life. Alright, lets talk about the sociopath I lived with in Michigan named Adam.

When I moved in with Adam I honestly thought he wanted to help me but it felt like when I got there he just wanted me either for sex or a relationship. After a week of living there he kind of started to get distant with me and told me he just wanted to be friends so I took that as "okay if I want to see other guys I can". Well I must of been wrong because all that did was make him even more distance and cold to me, resulting in him moving in to the unfinished attic to sleep in an exposed mattress. Eventually he completely stopped coming back to the house after work which wouldn't have been so bad if I had a way to get around, I had no way to get food for myself and we were just getting in to the winter months so it was cold as hell. One morning I woke up and found he child proofed the heater so I couldn't turn it on at all so I had to sit around the house for days with no food in 30 degree weather inside the house. Over those months I was finding that he was going around talking shit about me to people he had introduced me to, eventually no one wanted to talk to me in Michigan because of him. Honestly I wish he just would have told me to find another place to live instead then I wouldn't have wasted 5 months there. Maybe I would have moved in with Michael V sooner or straight from New York instead. Would have honestly been better in the long run. What do you expect from someone who's favorite song is "Only Happy When It Rains", says a lot doesn't it?

Okay so lets talk about the fucked up situation that was the Weekend From Hell from my 23rd Birthday, specifically Chris and Bruno. I believe I met Chris on Facebook and they wanted to meet me for my birthday which was fine. Chris and Bruno made it clear to me during the dinner and spending time with them that they wanted me to join their relationship and date them which I was down for however after the dinner they told me something they expected me to do which in hindsight now is extremely fucked up. Basically they wanted me to become HIV Positive for them which at that time I was not HIV Positive, they claimed it was so they could "become closer to me". Maybe they were in to gift giving and I am not a bug chaser so not sure if thats what they wanted. Don't care and besides that when we were driving I remember some kind of a melt down going down between Chris and Bruno which resulted with one of them leaving the car and walking away from the car and us sitting there for a good 10-15 minutes. I also remember somehow that fight turned in to blaming me for everything that happened so yea no idea what happened. I became the scapegoat for that bullshit which is probably good because had I gone through with that I would have given up my health for two guys who didn't deserve it. When I mentioned in that post "I don't want to disclose any personal information but i'll just say I had a pretty screwed up evening and i'm still trying to figure out what happened." this is what I meant so I hope that clarifies things.

Why am I addressing this shit now? Well its been a while and I haven't read my blog in years since I stopped posting on here and I can see I was just trying to keep the peace while not actually addressing shit because god forbid they read what I write. I honestly don't care now if they read this or not, I am using this as a growing experience for myself to look back, process this trauma and move forward. I actually feel lighter now having let this shit go, I may do this again if I read more shit in the blog that I never addressed or lightly addressed. I want to be at peace myself, especially now that I am sober and in this world that is so cruel and horrible right now we have to do what is best for ourselves and our peace. Keep your peace and protect it.