Addendum to: Addressing the Elephant in the Room (My Relapse)

I just wanted to say that I don't know if I conveyed just how horrific the experience was because it was extremely traumatic for me. I have spent the last few days crying and just reflecting on what happened, I also didn't go in to great detail about some things like what I saw and heard and that is mainly because of how fresh it is for me. I am still living that, I am still hearing and seeing those things in my mind, I am still horrified by it and feeling like anything I do will take me back there and I am just trying to be normal again and its hard because I don't know what to do besides just stay sober and not give in. Maybe down the road I will open up about what I heard and saw but I wanted to give a general idea of what it was that I saw and heard. I'm sorry if I didn't convey it very well in my last post but I tried my best. This is still very fresh for me as I said and it hurts, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it so if I were to go in to detail I'd probably throw up at some point just trying to go in to detail about it. I bring this up because Jacob read it and said I didn't really go in to detail about what happened. I told him that its really fresh and that's like asking a rape victim "can you tell us in detail about the rape?" and its been like 3 days since it happened. I am not ready to completely open up and think about all the disturbing things I saw and heard but I wanted to touch upon it because this blog is about my life and I wanted to at least address it.

I'm not perfect, I never was and I never will be. I am just trying to do my best. I don't know if my writing is any good, I just know that I need to get these feelings out of me because if I bottle them up they fester and rot inside of me and then things like relapse happen. If theirs one thing I wanted to make clear from my previous blog entry its that I don't want to go back. I don't want to relapse and I don't want to use meth anymore. That part of my life is over.

Addressing the Elephant in the Room (My Relapse)

Its time to address the elephant in the room... what I about to talk about is still very fresh for me and I am extremely uncomfortable addressing it but this is my blog and I want to be able to talk about my life here. Good or bad, I need to be able to look back and learn from my mistakes so I don't repeat them.

I relapsed on Meth on September 23rd and binged until September 29th. Lets start at the beginning.

How did I end up here?

You could see from my previous post "Nothing Can Stop Me Now (Because I Don't Care Anymore)" that I was in a pretty dark place and I have been for some time. If you don't know what I mean then let me try to explain a bit further, the world that we live in right now is scary, its just a really horrible place and I couldn't imagine having children growing up right now with what we are living through. Its that bad and I wouldn't want to subject my children to this shit show. I talk about our government, I talk about Trump, I talk about people in general just being so cruel and horrible to one another. Its like everyone just wants to see everyone suffer around them and they all get off on it. It feels like it all started in Trumps first presidency and then when COVID-19 hit that was just the perfect storm for the enshittification of everything and everyone. The only people who are doing well are billionaires and rich people, everyone else is just living to survive, no one is thriving and people are just breaking under the weight of it all. I know this is a simplified statement of an otherwise more complicated problem and it is, part of the reason for that is I am sick to my stomach trying to explain the problem, a problem that I can't fix because of how fucked our system is. I just hope it can be fixed within my life time, but for right now I just want to focus on my own mental health and where I am now because I can only control myself and where I go from here.

So I got a message about a week prior to my relapse from a guy I would hook up with, he offered to hook up with me again and to help get me drugs. I said yes, thinking to myself "well its close to my birthday and doing this one time isn't gonna kill me..." God I was so fucking wrong about thinking that.

What happened?

I gave him about 60 dollars for the Meth on September 23rd, I started almost immediately and kept going for days. How I used to do Meth was I would crash out on the 3rd day usually but it seems I have upgraded from that because now I just do it all until I run out of supplies which I have never done before. This means I went 7 days straight with almost no sleep, no eating and barely drinking anything which is really not good for you. I tried to go to sleep and was unable to do so, took a Benadryl to try to help me sleep and it did absolutely nothing and then I ended up in the hospital. My heart was going crazy from being up for so many days and my mind wasn't much better. I don't think I realized how detached I had become from reality because I was seeing a hearing things that weren't there. Jacob took me to the hospital and I thought people were talking about me but I honestly believe my mind was making up shit that no one was saying and I was just going off on people in the hospital thinking I was defending myself. I didn't realize this until the second time I went back which was a day later. I was sitting there hearing people talking about how I should kill myself and that I was gonna die there because of what I did to myself. I heard some of the worst things I have ever heard and I don't believe any of it actually was real because Michael was with me and he said no one was saying anything to me. In fact, the staff was being really nice and trying to make sure I was okay so I tried my best the second time to just bite my tongue and not respond to anyone because I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. What reinforced that I wasn't experiencing reality anymore was on the drive home from the hospital, I saw a shadow figure that looked like 3 dogs conjoined together crossing the street before our house and they stopped in the street and sank in to the floor. I had never seem something that disturbing before, only in horror movies which I know aren't real. Never with my own eyes. When I got home I was seeing faces in the windows and hearing voices at the front door and people talking that weren't there. I had to get to sleep, I had to get well again. I went to bed and spent the next couple of days sleeping and resting trying to get better.

Where am I now?

This is probably the part that is the most rough right now for me. I am currently in a place where I am asking myself "who am I" because I honestly don't know right now. I've been reflecting on what I did and what happened because I need to face what I did and I want to face it, I want to remember it and I don't want to ever go back to that place again and experience what I did. I believe this has become part of my trauma now and I don't know if that is good or bad but I do know that as of right now I never want to touch meth again. I am absolutely horrified by what has happened and the thought of experiencing it again fills me with dread and disgust so I want to keep those feelings close to me if and when I experience cravings again. I know I will experience those again and I want to be ready because I never want to do this again. I will go back to my meeting on Wednesdays and also I want to try the Satanic NA meetings and see how that goes just to give me something else to try as well. I am glad I have a sponsor as well to talk about this stuff with. I know I have people I can speak with about this and I will use those connections I have to keep sober. Sometimes they say that was have reach our rock bottom in order to recover, I believe what I went through was my rock bottom. I want to hold on to what happened and have it remind me of what happens if I go back again so that I never feel like doing it again. I don't want to forget. This is a fear I want to hold on to because if that fear keeps me sober than so be it.

So thats where I am now, I am literally at 5 days sober as of today, and needless to say everything else in my life is on hold right now while of focus on my sobriety so don't expect me to work on any projects right now. Making sure I stay sober and focus on rebuilding myself and my life, that is my project right now and will be for sometime now. I am sorry, I would love to work on videos, streaming and making music but all of that must take a back seat right now until I feel comfortable with myself again and I can tell you right now that won't be for sometime. I will continue to blog because I need to be able to share what is going on in my life and reflect on it. Also I enjoy reading past blog posts and remembering where I was, its theraputic. I am sorry if I let anyone down, I feel like I let myself down the most. I am just happy to be alive right now and still be here. I have shaven my beard, I feel like I needed a fresh start and right now I don't want any reminder including seeing my face with facial hair to remind me of the psychosis episode I had because it was very traumatizing. Its time to write a new chapter of my life and I hope this will be the start of a more positive, gentler part of my life. Only time will tell, I just know that things can't continue the way they have been. Something has to change.

Nothing Can Stop Me Now (Because I Don't Care Anymore)

I am so fucking done right now. A few things are going to change going forward because honestly I don't give a fuck anymore, I really don't care anymore. I'm done putting my time and effort in to things that give me nothing in return and its sad because I thought I was good at a lot of these things but clearly I'm not because no one cares, which is fine because now I don't care either. So whats the point of wasting my time if I am basically invisible to everyone around me and everything I try to do doesn't matter? Let me explain:

First off, I hate Facebook.

I created another account maybe a year ago just to stay in touch with friends because a lot of people still use it and that is their primary way of keeping in touch with people. I understand the convenience of it, I do but that doesn't take away from the fact that the website itself is completely covered in shit.

Literally half the ads I see are scams, the news that is reported isn't even real and is usually just trying to make people angry. 9 out of 10 posts I see on my feed are just people trying to get other people angry and I just can't be angry 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Maybe some people can live in a diet of anger and bitterness but I can't. Its just not healthy. Also the joke is on the people on the platform who act like Facebook will be around forever and their "memories" won't disappear. NOTHING IS FOREVER. So when AI becomes sentient and takes over the internet and you can't access Facebook anymore what are you gonna do then? I guess die then because you clearly can't function without your fix, from one addict to another, it takes one to know one and well that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Going forward I will only keep my Messanger active so people can reach me but I won't be posting anymore on Facebook because fuck Zuckerberg and his shitty platform. If people don't want to talk to me outside of Facebook then I guess we weren't friends to begin with and that's fine. FUCK THEM.

Second, I will either be quitting Twitch or seriously changing how I stream moving forward.

When I stream I literally get no one watching, it happens maybe once in a blue moon. Jacob created a channel a few months ago, has an audience who consistently come to watch him and I struggle to get one person to even watch me so I guess I must be hideous or not fun to watch. Either way if that's the case then why the fuck am I streaming in the first place?

I originally chose to stream because I wanted to capture me playing video games and upload them to my YouTube channel so I can look back on those games and remember fondly those memories. I still kind of want to do that but maybe it would be better if I streamed it from YouTube so its directly on that platform so I don't have to move it. The other idea I have is if I do decide to stream on Twitch since no one is watching just turning off chat and any notifications because most of the people who do comment are bots and its very distracting when they are trying to sell me "artwork" or telling me to go to a website to get views. I want to focus on the game and not their stupid asses.

Third, I am pretty much done with making videos on YouTube. I will only really upload videos of my streams if I choose to continue that. If not then my channel will lie dormant at this point, same problem with Twitch, I used to work really hard on videos. I took 3 months doing my Resident Evil Highlights video and no one watched it, I don't care to put in so much effort and care in to something for no one to care about it. Yes I care about it or at least I used to. I don't anymore.

So what will I be doing at this point? The only thing I want to keep my focus on that I still care about at this point is my music. My music has always been a form of therapy for me so I find it very therapeutic to me so I'd like to keep doing it and I don't care if anyone listens to it. I am making it for me and no one else at this point. Because of this my current plan is to channel how I am feeling in to the ultimate "fuck you" album. I need to get this shit out of me I finally feel like I have a vision for the album and the songs I had for the EP fit with this so gonna convert them musically for the new project.

I also plan to keep Blogging because I have been enjoying getting back in to Blogging. It allows me to talk about what's going on in my life since right now I can't afford to see a therapist. I know no one reads this which is fine with me and even if people did read my blog I still want to be honest and truthful about my life and how I feel. I can't bottle up that shit even if I tried, my sister does that and she just blows up when it gets too much to bear. I can't do that.

I don't want to be angry, I just want peace of mind in my life and right now that is very hard. That's why I am gonna mainly stick to Bluesky, Music and Blogging. As I said people can't reach me via my phone if they have it or Messanger. Just gonna delete Facebook from my phone, I don't need access to that slop.

I want to leave with this, you need to do what is best for you and sometimes that is destroying everything that brings you down and only focusing on the things that bring you joy. That is what I am doing, I am restructuring my life now to fit with my values and the time I want to put in to things. Don't listen to what others want you to do, feel what it is in your heart that feels best for you and go with that. Always choose yourself and your peace of mind.

The Indecision of Art

I've got to say being an artist sucks sometimes, I want to release new music but I also feel like I want to take my time and experiment and see where I can take my music. I'd rather work on something and when its ready its ready. I am feeling that way about the EP I have mentioned that I am working on, I kind of want to sit back and take the tracks I've done and see if I can rework them in the current mindset I am in because I really want to do a fusion of Depeche Mode meets Nine Inch Nails musically. I want bright synths and hard heavy guitars so I am gonna push and see if the songs can be changed and morphed in to that and if they don't come out good then I will release them as is. Its kind of been interesting coming back to music and seeing how I want to work and how that has changed from the past. I think in the past whenever I make new music I want to release it immediately and I don't give it time to breath to see if it can be improved further. I want to take my time with it now so if that means less releases then that is fine with me. I know this world moves extremely fast now and I just can't create that fast so I need time to do what I can do and I know when its done it will be what I want to release. I do however want to see if I can get one track completely finished before the end of the year and released that way people who enjoy my music have something to look forward to so that will be my goal.

Bears on the Coast is done (for now), New Music coming next Month & Escaping Reality

Hey everyone, so I made the decision to not have Bears On The Coast return. Right now we are just surviving like many of you are doing as well and I don't feel like looking back on this time period at all, I want it to pass as soon as possible and block it from my memory forever. Sorry but we are truly living in horrific times and everyone is completely fine with the house burning down around them. Once Trump is out of office and sanity returns to the world I may feel differently but for right now I just don't want to document a time period of absolute stupidity. Also if you read my last blog entry I really want nothing to do with the Bear Community at this point, nor do I identify as one. Now what I would like to do is talk about everything that I am focusing my energy on.

I've completed lyrics for two tracks for my upcoming 4 track EP, still don't have a title for it but I will say this, the lyrics are very worldy. I didn't want to sing inward, I wanted to focus on things outside of myself because I need to get that shit out of me. I have always used music as a form of therapy and I want to talk about the state of the world and what I am seeing around me. The tracks themselves are Witch House themed, I kind of wanted to invoke a feeling of being inside of a dark place without necessarily going industrial like I have in the past. I wanted to challenge myself and I like artists like Sidewalks and Skeletons, Bitwvlf and Purity Ring so I wanted to channel some of that feeling in to these tracks. I did try to write a full album in that vein however I honestly feel like these days I don't need to force myself to make an album with 10 tracks. If I have a bunch of tracks I like why should I do more then I feel is necessary? These four tracks feel like they belong together and if I added to it I feel it would just bloat the overall message I want to convey. My plan is to get that out by October or November. Now you may be asking "what about the new synthpop industrial music you were working on?", I still plan on doing that and I have written some stuff but I am taking my time with that and I don't want to rush it. I also want to get some new music out since its been 3 years since my last release so yes I don't want to leave people hanging too long. I've played around with getting more releases out regularly rather than putting albums together and maybe doing EPs and singles here and there for the time being. We will see but I should update soon on the name and artwork for the EP since it needs to be released by next month.

I've gone back to streaming on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays on Twitch, I will mainly focus on that for the time being instead of doing other projects on my YouTube channel. We will see if that changes but for right now making new music and streaming are my primary focus and YouTube content besides my Twitch streams will take a back seat. As I said above, I just need an escape from the reality that I am currently living in and I refuse to do that with meth so I'm gonna focus on streaming and making music to express how I feel and I don't care if anyone likes it or not. I'm gonna be honest to myself and my feelings and thoughts.

Handing in my Bear Card

So I want to get this off my chest, I have never felt part of the Bear "Community" ever, and today I am making it clear that I don't wish to be part of the Bears because honestly I have never felt welcome by their "inclusive" community. I have been told that I am not big enough, not hairy enough, not butch enough...Hell I even got called a Twink once and not sure if you've looked at me but I ain't a fucking Twink. I haven't been for a very long time now. 

I always thought the Bear Community was suppose to be a place for those shunned by the other communities--those being the Muscle and Twink Communities, which seem to be the face of being gay, and if you don't fit in those two, gay men treat you like you are leper from a leper colony. I understand everyone has their attraction, but we need to stop acting like average men are ugly. We need to stop pushing the narrative that we all need to go to the gym to be desirable. The Bear Community was suppose to be a place for those who were shunned by the other communities. I was told it was a mindset and so I didn't see it as a look. Now its become a look, you basically have to be a certain weight, have a certain amount of body hair and have a beard. You also need to be butch which I should just point out that I see a lot of guys who fit the look but ain't butch at all so they can't even follow their own rules. I am just tired of being made to feel like I am a freak of nature or invisible for just being myself and being happy with myself. I ain't gonna change myself just to fix someone else narrow desires and I shouldn't have to.

At this point I am just a bearded non-binary person who has no affiliation to any group whether that be Bear or Goth or whatever. I am very tired of trying to fit in with people that clearly don't want me there so I will go where people enjoy my presence even if that group be small.

What does this mean for things like Bears on the Coast? Well clearly I will either want to change the name of the show. I ain't gonna promote to a community that doesn't want me in it. Now I want to be clear, I have had some good people who were Bears who treated me well, however the vast majority either ignored me or acted like I was a disease when I was there and I don't want to be around that kind of energy. Some of you will say "well that never happened to me", well I am not you and I'm happy you never had to experience the shit that I have but your experiences don't negate mine and I don't want to be somewhere I am not wanted.

Even here in Gainesville, the last time I went to a dinner gathering with them, one of them approached me afterward being all friendly to me and then said "well it was nice seeing you, see you in another 5-10 years". Like what the fuck, now I stopped going to the Bear Dinners because I didn't feel welcome, also I have been deal with my sobriety which takes priority over everything else in my life so yes I stopped going because I was deep in my addiction for a few years. But again that has to deal with the fact that I DIDN'T FEEL WELCOME THERE! And with comments like that it justifies why I feel the way that I do. I need to do what feels best for me and considering how fractured the LGBTQIA+ community is becoming lately with all the infighting I just want to be accepted for being myself regardless of how butch I am or how I look.

New Void of Axis in Fall, Bears on the Coast coming soon & Hello Nintendo Switch 2

Hey everyone, sorry its been a minute since I posted on here. Been focused on making new music and taking my time with whatever that becomes. I think I've finally settled on a sound and theme, I honestly think its just easier to write from a place of melancholy then to push myself to write something I am not feeling. So I am returning to a synthpop sound similar to Continue but it will also have hints of industrial there as well. I am kind of trying to find a weird mix between Nine Inch Nails meets Depeche Mode which I believe Void of Axis has always been trying to find that mix between the two. I have thought about taking the music I was working on before this and maybe releasing it as an EP so I may try to do that for October or November. We will see how that pans out.

We have started filming for Bears On The Coast again. Should have a new episode out soon, as I said before we are returning to basics and just filming normal stuff because we don't really travel like we use to. Its just too expensive to do that these days. These days I make content when I feel like it, my focus is doing stuff at my own pace and not force myself in to a place where it causes me distress. I think that is something I've been learning as I am focusing on my sobriety is trying to keep my inner peace and this is the way that I've been doing it.

Me and Jacob picked up a Nintendo Switch 2, we wanted to get one before September 1st when the system will shoot up 50 dollars to 550. So far I am loving it, I hate the Joy Cons though, the baby buttons suck ass. I can't wait to get a Pro Controller. The system came with a choice of 3 games to choose from, we decided to get Donkey Kong Bananza and it reminds me of Super Mario 64 but with Donkey Kong which is not bad. I love Super Mario 64 and wish they made a sequel to that game but nope. I also picked up Metroid Prime Remastered and Star Fox. As I said really enjoying the system so far and I think I will continue to do so. I just didn't enjoy the Wii U or the Switch 1, they felt underpowered and didn't have enough games to hook me. Especially with Sony basically telling its customers to shut up and be happy owning nothing I just wanted to go somewhere else where I can play video games and not be told to shut up and enjoy.