Setting the Record Straight = (Goodbye New York, Hello Michigan/Happy 23rd Birthday, Weekend From Hell, Someone Special)

Hey everyone, so when I came back to blogging a few days ago I sat down and went through some of my oldest entries just to remember where I was at those times, what my headspace was like and I can tell you I noticed I actually kept a lot of stuff out probably because of where I was living or who I was living with and I figured those people probably would read what I write and get mad at me. Thankfully I am in a better place and I give zero fucks these days at who I offend because sorry but if you did something shitty then you need to OWN YOUR SHIT. I am not perfect and I own when I make shitty decisions, but I see a lot of people don't, instead they think they are perfect and never do anything wrong. Anyways, I haven't had a therapist in a while (can't get one here in Florida unless I want to pay money which I don't have OR get a shitty free one) so I thought maybe I would go back through some posts and address where I was and get the story straight since in those old posts I was tiptoeing around people to keep the peace.

So lets start with the period of June to August of 2010, at that time I was living in the Bronx with my ex fiance Michael L. Little did I know that Fountain House was harassing him telling him that he couldn't have me living there with him and basically pushed him to kick me out threatening some action that they couldn't actually take because Michael owns his apartment, not Fountain Hoe. I found this out years later of course from Michael when we talked about it, he apologized to me for forcing me out. I really could have done without the 5 months of hell I endured up in Michigan but yet if I didn't end up there maybe I wouldn't have ended up with my current roommate Michael V. I think he regrets the decision honestly and I forgive him for that, I blame Fountain House more, they are suppose to be a supportive Mental Health Club House that is suppose to HELP YOU! Shoving people in to Homelessness is not HELPFUL so seriously fuck that place and everyone that works there. The people who work there are fake as fuck anyways and treat everyone there like we are all low functioning which is so rude anyways. Me and Michael L are in a better place now I believe, we have worked through our issues and I am happy to still have him in my life. Alright, lets talk about the sociopath I lived with in Michigan named Adam.

When I moved in with Adam I honestly thought he wanted to help me but it felt like when I got there he just wanted me either for sex or a relationship. After a week of living there he kind of started to get distant with me and told me he just wanted to be friends so I took that as "okay if I want to see other guys I can". Well I must of been wrong because all that did was make him even more distance and cold to me, resulting in him moving in to the unfinished attic to sleep in an exposed mattress. Eventually he completely stopped coming back to the house after work which wouldn't have been so bad if I had a way to get around, I had no way to get food for myself and we were just getting in to the winter months so it was cold as hell. One morning I woke up and found he child proofed the heater so I couldn't turn it on at all so I had to sit around the house for days with no food in 30 degree weather inside the house. Over those months I was finding that he was going around talking shit about me to people he had introduced me to, eventually no one wanted to talk to me in Michigan because of him. Honestly I wish he just would have told me to find another place to live instead then I wouldn't have wasted 5 months there. Maybe I would have moved in with Michael V sooner or straight from New York instead. Would have honestly been better in the long run. What do you expect from someone who's favorite song is "Only Happy When It Rains", says a lot doesn't it?

Okay so lets talk about the fucked up situation that was the Weekend From Hell from my 23rd Birthday, specifically Chris and Bruno. I believe I met Chris on Facebook and they wanted to meet me for my birthday which was fine. Chris and Bruno made it clear to me during the dinner and spending time with them that they wanted me to join their relationship and date them which I was down for however after the dinner they told me something they expected me to do which in hindsight now is extremely fucked up. Basically they wanted me to become HIV Positive for them which at that time I was not HIV Positive, they claimed it was so they could "become closer to me". Maybe they were in to gift giving and I am not a bug chaser so not sure if thats what they wanted. Don't care and besides that when we were driving I remember some kind of a melt down going down between Chris and Bruno which resulted with one of them leaving the car and walking away from the car and us sitting there for a good 10-15 minutes. I also remember somehow that fight turned in to blaming me for everything that happened so yea no idea what happened. I became the scapegoat for that bullshit which is probably good because had I gone through with that I would have given up my health for two guys who didn't deserve it. When I mentioned in that post "I don't want to disclose any personal information but i'll just say I had a pretty screwed up evening and i'm still trying to figure out what happened." this is what I meant so I hope that clarifies things.

Why am I addressing this shit now? Well its been a while and I haven't read my blog in years since I stopped posting on here and I can see I was just trying to keep the peace while not actually addressing shit because god forbid they read what I write. I honestly don't care now if they read this or not, I am using this as a growing experience for myself to look back, process this trauma and move forward. I actually feel lighter now having let this shit go, I may do this again if I read more shit in the blog that I never addressed or lightly addressed. I want to be at peace myself, especially now that I am sober and in this world that is so cruel and horrible right now we have to do what is best for ourselves and our peace. Keep your peace and protect it.

Lets talk about Silent Hill and the "fans"...

Time to vent about one of my favorite video game series, Silent Hill. Anyways, lately I have been seeing people online who have never played Silent Hill (but claim to be fans) telling other people that if you like Silent Hill 2 Remake for instance that you aren't a true fan. First of all, who the fuck are you and why can't you let people enjoy things? Second, actually go play some of the game before you claim to be a fan of something. Now I know some people are too scared to play Silent Hill and would rather watch someone play it and that's fine, you can be a fan of the series, but I am talking about people who literally claim to be fans and have never once touched any of the games and maybe saw one video online and suddenly made it their whole personality. Its fucking weird and its not just Silent Hill. I've seen it with Resident Evil "fans" as well. Lately these people are being called "Larpers" (Live Action Role Play--ers) but I think that isn't the right term because Larping is a real thing for people who want to do Fantasy Role Play in Real Life and that's fine. Those people are cool. Honestly, the correct term for these people should be "imposters/pretenders" because that is what they are doing, they are jumping in to a fandom and literally gate keeping it from people like myself who have played Silent Hill since the original PS1 so I would love to have some bitch in their Mom's basement tell me I am not a real fan of the series.

Yea go ahead and tell me I ain't a real fan...

Anyways, I want to talk about some of the crap I have been reading from these people who claim to be fans while gate keeping the series if you disagree with them.

For starters, no one is taking the original games away from you, if you prefer those games to the Remake Bloober Team did then that's fine, but its really rude to shit all over an amazing game because you feel it somehow is destroying your enjoyment of the original. The original games will always be there, I have them as well and I can load them up on my PS2 anytime I want. I understand not everyone has that luxury sadly, and emulation is certainly an option. I would recommend that over the HD Collection because Konami didn't have the source code for those, I honestly with Konami just sent the games on PS1-PS2 to a studio that could reverse engineer the contents of the final discs but I don't know much about how that works. It would be better than what we got with the HD Collection because those versions run like ass. The voice acting was ruined for unknown reasons.

Another thing I keep hearing is how Silent Hill 2 Remake is way too long and features forced combat sections. So, you are trying to tell me Silent Hill 2 OG had no forced combat at all? Oh wait, what about the bosses? Seriously? I mean if you want to challenge yourself and kill nothing go right ahead but most people aren't gonna play like that. You really come off as nitpicky when you use that as an excuse why the remake was bad. I personally love how much was added in the remake. We get to explore Silent Hill more, which I am down for. Who doesn't want to experience more of Silent Hill? I do know this game is not one you can finish in a day like the original game, but that is fine in my opinion. It doesn't ruin the experience for me.

I know I'll probably get shit for this, but again, THIS IS MY OPINION.  It is not fact and if that's the direction the series is gonna go in then whatever, it's fine, I guess. I am not a fan of games taking place outside of Silent Hill. The game series is called SILENT HILL. That's like making a Final Fantasy game with no Chocobos, no Magic, no Moogles, nothing to tie it to what makes it Final Fantasy. And I know what some people will say?

"Oh but the fog is there and the main character will be punished with monsters."

Okay, that's Silent Hill 2, why are we still trying to repeat Silent Hill 2? You do know other games exist besides Silent Hill 2 right?

What did Harry need to be punished for?

What did Heather need to be punished for?

Harry was experiencing Alessa's nightmare unintentionally because she was projecting it on the town by accident because of her merging back with Cheryl (her other half.)

Heather was experiencing the nightmare caused by the God that was growing inside of her projecting the nightmare around her despite not being in Silent Hill which is fine because the God is able to bleed the Otherworld in to our own dimension.

Anyways going back to my point of Silent Hill games taking place outside of Silent Hill, I don't mind if games are made outside of Silent Hill if they make sense. I was okay with Silent Hill f because it was a side story. I tried the game and couldn't enjoy it because I personally did not like the setting and Townfall I may or may not check that one out. I am very excited for Silent Hill 1 Remake and possibly if that does well we may get a Silent Hill 3 Remake. Fingers crossed. I also enjoyed Silent Hill: The Short Message as a side story, HOWEVER, that game introduced something lorewise that makes me cringe.

THE SILENT HILL PHENOMENON

This new lore throws out the lore of the cult (the Order) tainting the ancient power in Silent Hill by birthing their God through Alessa's psychic powers for something far more stupid.

Basically, if you get depressed enough, you'll see fog and monsters will appear. I am not shitting you, that is literally what they came up with just so they can set the game in other places besides Silent Hill. Also it seems like they just want to regurgitate Silent Hill 2 over and over again by just having people who did bad shit or are experiencing shit and need to be punished for it. That worked in Silent Hill 2 because James killed his wife. And guess what we did that with Homecoming and Downpour and those games sucked because the developers who made those games didn't understand what they were even making. No offense, just saying.

Bloober really proved to me with the Silent Hill 2 Remake that they understand the source material and I would be happy to see them take on an original Silent Hill title, granted if they fuck up Silent Hill 1 remake then I will feel differently.

So yea I am not a big fan of the Silent Hill Phenomenon, it basically retcons the cult (The Order) and says if you get depressed enough then you will go through hell. Fun. Its really stupid. You can feel differently than me but that's just how I feel and that's okay because we are all allowed to have different opinions.

I really hope Bloober doesn't trim the Remake of 1 down because people are upset with how padded Silent Hill 2 was. I want to see and do more in Silent Hill 1 just like I did in Silent Hill 2 Remake. Give me more, I love it. Anyways, I had to get that off my chest. Sorry about some of the tangents, I am a huge lore nerd for Silent Hill so I love seeing the speculation and theories people craft in the Silent Hill community but when people say things like "Pyramid Head" can be in any game and isn't tied to just James, this is my theory and no one can tell me I am wrong. Well no offense but you are wrong, Masahiro Ito will tell you are wrong and he's part of Team Silent so deal with it. Some things in Silent Hill are up for speculation, for example when James goes in to the Silent Hill Historical Society building and walks down the stairs which seems to go in to the lake, is he still in the real world of has he been transported to another dimension? Is he really just standing in the building and hallucinating because the tainted power of the town? That is up for speculation. But Pyramid Head being anything other than a manifestation of James guilt and James urge to be punished for what he did to his wife, that is not up for debate. That is a fact. Just like Pyramid Head does not exist unless James is there so when he (Pyramid Head) shows up in games like Homecoming its ridiculous and nothing but fan service.

Return to Blogging, Working on Music and my Mental Health.

Hey everyone, its been a while. Kind of just realized that I can't stand social media anymore, literally all I keep seeing on Facebook is an endless feed of everything that's wrong with the world or people telling other people that their opinion is shit and that everyone should accept that persons opinion as fact. Its really gross and I have decided that instead of posting how I feel there I am gonna try to post more on a Blog. Now I haven't decided if I will continue to put blog posts here or if I will switch but I am tossing around the idea of either staying here or going to WordPress, gonna do some research and figure that all out before I post anymore so Memoirs of a Pocket Cub may be moving, we will see.

Lets update on some things, first of all I have started work on my seventh studio album, I finally have stuff to work with and I have two songs ready for the album "I Do Not Want This" and "Last". Originally I was throwing around doing a Witch House album but I feel like I am forcing that if I were to continue. I want to just make music at this point that sounds good and not stick to a sound, just do what feels good and hope for the best. It feels like I am writing Forest of Memories Vol. 1 again because its been so long and I feel really rusty at making music but I am really enjoying the process of discovering how to do it all again. I am definitely not rushing it so when the music is done it will be done.

My mental health is better since my last post in January, I can't say its amazing because look at the country I live in and the crowds of idiots telling themselves that our nation is in a good place. Delusion, convince yourself? I really wish I had a therapist right now but I guess I have to wait until Michael retires and we move to California or wherever we plan on going. I'm about 6 and half months sober from Meth so been staying away from that, sometimes with all the shit going on I want to numb myself but I am staying away from it. Hope I can continue to do that.

Sorry if I seem so scattered brained, its almost 4am here and I wanted to just do a quick update again I plan on blogging more because I want to talk about whats on my mind and boy do I have some thoughts about things. So glad to be back, gonna get some rest now. Goodnight.

Things falling apart...

My life and I have officially fallen apart, I hope everyone is happy who pushed me to this point. You win. I don't care anymore. I just don't care anymore.

What lead to this?

Lets start with the letter I received telling me that I will need to switch off of "Biktarvy" which is the HIV medication I take currently. Apparently, Florida doesn't want to pay anymore for that medication, so they are going to have to switch me to something else. I have also read that they want to stop patients from taking Descovy which I NEED to take because Truvada effects my liver too harshly. I have ended up in the hospital once after taking Triumeq for a few years. At some point, it stopped working for me, and I had a severe reaction to it with my liver. My doctor can't put me on medications that use Truvada as a base. If they put me back on Truvada, I could very well end up in the hospital again so I am scared of that.

I also needed to renew my Food Stamps and that has completely changed now. I have been receiving Food Stamps since 2010 and now they changed how that works despite nothing having changed with my disability, I have to get a letter telling them what is wrong with me which I have no issues doing but the Alachua County Health Department is basically acting like I never mentioned being disabled in the entire time I have been there despite years and years of them asking me about them when I come for visits so they can put it in my file. So they have been dragging their feet so much so that I still haven't got the paperwork and I missed the date I needed to get the paperwork in so my Food Stamps have been terminated for this month. I am still going to try to get the letter regardless because I need to have it since the government wants to make me jump through hoops now and actively make me feel like shit about something I struggle with each and every day and can't control.

So what do I struggle with? Physically I have Fibromyalgia which fluctuates day to day but I am ALWAYS IN PAIN. It never stops and it's only when I talk about my pain that it's unbearable. I am currently dealing with untreated Diabetes which I try to deal with by going for walks everyday so I can physically lose some weight as well as dietary changes I have made but its still pretty bad and I find myself getting tired a lot. I have tried Ozempic and it made me gain weight and nauseous all the time so I was told I can't take GLP-1 medications. I may have to take insulin. That might be the next step.

Mentally is where I have most of my problems. I suffer from Major Depression, General and Social Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia has creeped in to my life within the last year. I don't feel safe leaving the house, and when I try to leave, I feel intense fear and nausea overtake me. A lot of it comes from the current administration, people in general just being horrible which lately is a majority of people and now I can add how I am being treated by Florida's government to the list. I am also a recovering Meth addict, I go to 12 step meetings and I have a sponsor.

I am terrified that our current administration is doing this because they want to see people like me who are poor and unable to help themselves suffer and die because society feels it would be better if we were not "burdening" them anymore by simply existing. Everyday I struggle to keep myself together, just to be okay for today and it doesn't help when people feel that I shouldn't exist because I am "leeching" off of the system. I want to work, I want to be normal, I want to not feel the way I do or struggle everyday with what I do. Trust me I do, I wish I could go work a 9 to 5 job and get a paycheck and be financially stable. I want to go out and have friends and not be scared of leaving the house. I want to not be physically in pain every waking moment. I don't want to have panic attacks everyday, unable to breathe, heart beating out of my chest, wondering if I am going to die right then and there.

BUT I CAN'T...

I just can't, for years I have tried to do everything I can and I just can't do it, I know what my limitations are. The life I have now is that I simply exist and it sucks because I want to live, I want to thrive and because of all of my issues I just can't. So I do what I can to try to normalize my life. I push myself to work on creative projects like video editing and music creative to express myself, it gives me a job to do. The days where I struggle the most I stay in bed and just try to work through it. I am doing everything in my power and in my being to just be okay. I know people don't understand how hard that is sometimes, you have not lived in my shoes. Just simply being alive one day at a time tells me I am strong. I wish I was stronger though, I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this.

I want to take a second to thank all of my friends over the last few days who have reached out to me and tried to give me links and phone numbers of organizations I can call and try to make this journey less of a struggle. You all are amazing and I am fortunate to have you all as friends despite sometimes not being able to be there for you all because of my issues. It gives me some peace to know I have people out there who care about me when I struggle to care about myself somedays.

I said above that I don't care anymore, that is how hopeless it feels right now. I am scared of what the future holds, but I will not back down, I need to stay strong and do what I can to fight this fight.

Whats is the point?

 So recently an AI musician called Breaking Rust has ended up on the music charts and its made me ask myself why I even bother making music in the first place. I have been working on ass off since 2005 making music that I would hope someone who is struggling in life could listen to and identify with. I haven't been able to get so much as a soul to listen to my music in all that time, its like pulling teeth. Either my music is complete shit or people just want to listen to garbage with no soul in it. I have no idea, I have wanted to write a new album but now I question if I even should. What is the point? I really am not sure what to do, I may just take a break from music maybe. Who knows but I don't have the drive to push myself when no one cares and I've been doing this for a while now so maybe thats it. Maybe theirs nothing more to write since no one cares. Sorry for the short blog entry but not much going on, struggling to get the money together for food and everything else. Thanks Trump, life is shit, we don't go out, we don't do anything anymore. The next 4 years of our lives are going to just be wasted because an orange turd and a bunch of cruel people want to see other suffer. Its fucking bullshit and the people of this country are bullshit and deserve everything they are getting right now. I hope for the day that people are better and know better but for now I think we have a lot of growing to do before we ever get there.

Scared to Write Music, Becoming a Hermit & Beating Demon's Souls

I've been scared to write new music, I believe its because I tried to lean in to making music more frequently and while I wish I could release songs and albums more often, it just wasn't coming out of me. I also believe my song "Last" has become a casualty of that, I would like to re-record that track for the album I plan to do but I feel I really rushed that song out and it wasn't ready to go out. I really want to take my time with my music and make it the best I can and if that means I pull a Fiona Apple then oh well then that is that. I don't want to release music that doesn't feel done to me and I feel like I really need to take my time going forward so I am going to slow down and work at my own pace. I think I pushed myself to do this just because most people are pushing out music really fast now so I wanted to do that but I can't. I need to do what is best for me.

I also haven't been in the best place as of late, I am having lots of mini and full blown panic attacks. Its due to all of the stress of everything happening in America right now, I can't handle watching the news or even going outside. I just don't feel safe anymore and people just scare me so I am a hermit now I guess. I only go out to pick up groceries and that's about it. I have looked in to finding a therapist because I need to start going back to therapy, I can't deal with all of this shit and I need someone other than myself to make sense of all of this shit and help guide me through it all so I can process how I'm suppose to deal with it all. I could talk about Trump, I could talk about the assassination of Charlie Kirk, I could talk about how rainbow sidewalks are being erased everywhere and people are being arrested, I could talk about Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert having their shows cancelled, I could talk about all of that stuff but I don't want to because its fucking exhausting and it just makes me feel crazy and like the world is going mad and people have just lost their minds and I don't know how I am suppose to live in a world where everyone is psychotic now and just want to hurt each other. It brings me to an extremely dark place I don't want to be in and I know I can't avoid it forever but I need to find a way to deal with it all without just wanting to disappear.

Lets talk about something positive since I've been talking about negatives since I started writing this. I finally managed after years and years of trying, I beat Demon's Souls. I had such a hard time getting my head around that game, its way slower than the other Soulsborne games, World Tendency can completely screw up your game if you don't know how it works and some enemies are only weak to certain weapons so you can't just use one weapon for the whole game. It really baffled me when I first started playing it but I sat down a month ago with the Demon's Souls Remake on PS5 and really pushed myself to try to finish it this time and I noticed the first half of the game is way harder than the latter half and maybe that is because you really need to power level so you have an easier time like I did. I also did a lot of farming for materials so I could upgrade my weapon which made a lot of difference in my playthrough. Now I am tempted to play the original of PS3 and see if I can get through that just like I did with the remake.

Recurring Nightmares and Mental Health

 

I can't sleep, two nights in a row I have had a recurring nightmare of an old woman who curses me and then chases after me always catching up to me eventually. In both dreams at some point I realize as I am running that I am dreaming and able to start flying or use powers I wouldn't otherwise because in a dream I can do whatever I want. I try to fight again her in both dreams and no matter how much I fight her I can't stop her and I wake up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I am now scared to fall asleep because as I lay there waiting to fall asleep my thoughts wander and I think about the dream, I can't get comfortable and I just haven't fallen asleep so I wanted to write about it hoping it would help. I have no idea what it could symbolize, I have been feeling overwhelmed but that's to be expected with how fucked up everything is right now. Not sure what I can do about it to try and relax, this may not sound healthy whenever I leave the house now I become ill, being around other people I am on edge and I am just terrified of people now. I just want to stay in my home and stay away from others, I don't mean stay away from friends or family. Just people I don't know, and I think it makes sense considering the cruelty that has become common place among people and the current administration. I fear for my life now every waking moment of everyday because of where our country is at and I feel like the best possible thing for me to do is maybe cut myself off from the outside world for the time being until things get better (if they get better) because I just can't handle anything right now. I hope one day that the world will return to sanity and common sense but until that time I need to just stay away from the human race because right now the human race feels like its actively trying to kill itself and I don't want to be around the chaos of that. People have become so selfish, egotistical, entitled and cruel that I just can't be around that behavior at all. It literally makes me crazy and because of how I think, I try to figure out why people act that way and honestly I don't think theirs an reason for it, I think people just want to behave like shit now because they can and its just gross to me.

Right now I am not seeing a therapist but I really wish I was, I used to go to Meridian but the people there treat mental illness like its a cold that you can get over in a year. I am not joking, literally they only see patients for a year, and then after that they review your case to see if you have the "tools" to handle things on your own after that... I mean if you know anything about mental health you know that is not how it works at all, some people need to see someone for a brief time to get themselves together, others like myself know that I am in this for the long haul. My mental illness will never go away and its just part of my life and I have to work with it, some days are good, some days are pure hell but to act like I'll just suddenly be able to never worry about Depression again, PTSD again or Anxiety is not reality. Not to mention they also wanted to force all of their patients in to "group sessions", I have told them that wouldn't work for me simply because of my social anxiety so putting me in a group would freak me out. They don't want to listen because they have a PhD so they think they know best. I wish I could find a therapist outside of Meridian to see, I think being able to talk to someone to help me process my thoughts would help. I don't see a psychiatrist and haven't for a long time, the reason for this is I believe I can manage my trauma with a therapist and not with medication, I have tried multiple times to treat with medication and the only medication that worked for me made me gain 200 pounds in 2 months. I really don't want to go back to that especially now that I have diabetes. The other reason I don't do medication is because of the side effects like weight gain and more, I also have found that I am unable to work on my art when I am medicated. It completely kills my creativity which if that is gone I have to ask myself, what is my purpose on this planet? If I can't make art and express myself then whats the point of being alive? So I choose to live with some of my pain for the sake of my art, but talking to a therapist would do wonders for my mental health.

I am still nervous to go to bed, I am going to try to put on some rain, sometimes that helps me to sleep better. Fingers crossed that I don't have that nightmare again.