I just wanted to say that I don't know if I conveyed just how horrific the experience was because it was extremely traumatic for me. I have spent the last few days crying and just reflecting on what happened, I also didn't go in to great detail about some things like what I saw and heard and that is mainly because of how fresh it is for me. I am still living that, I am still hearing and seeing those things in my mind, I am still horrified by it and feeling like anything I do will take me back there and I am just trying to be normal again and its hard because I don't know what to do besides just stay sober and not give in. Maybe down the road I will open up about what I heard and saw but I wanted to give a general idea of what it was that I saw and heard. I'm sorry if I didn't convey it very well in my last post but I tried my best. This is still very fresh for me as I said and it hurts, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about it so if I were to go in to detail I'd probably throw up at some point just trying to go in to detail about it. I bring this up because Jacob read it and said I didn't really go in to detail about what happened. I told him that its really fresh and that's like asking a rape victim "can you tell us in detail about the rape?" and its been like 3 days since it happened. I am not ready to completely open up and think about all the disturbing things I saw and heard but I wanted to touch upon it because this blog is about my life and I wanted to at least address it.
I'm not perfect, I never was and I never will be. I am just trying to do my best. I don't know if my writing is any good, I just know that I need to get these feelings out of me because if I bottle them up they fester and rot inside of me and then things like relapse happen. If theirs one thing I wanted to make clear from my previous blog entry its that I don't want to go back. I don't want to relapse and I don't want to use meth anymore. That part of my life is over.
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