Lets talk about Silent Hill and the "fans"...

Time to vent about one of my favorite video game series, Silent Hill. Anyways, lately I have been seeing people online who have never played Silent Hill (but claim to be fans) telling other people that if you like Silent Hill 2 Remake for instance that you aren't a true fan. First of all, who the fuck are you and why can't you let people enjoy things? Second, actually go play some of the game before you claim to be a fan of something. Now I know some people are too scared to play Silent Hill and would rather watch someone play it and that's fine, you can be a fan of the series, but I am talking about people who literally claim to be fans and have never once touched any of the games and maybe saw one video online and suddenly made it their whole personality. Its fucking weird and its not just Silent Hill. I've seen it with Resident Evil "fans" as well. Lately these people are being called "Larpers" (Live Action Role Play--ers) but I think that isn't the right term because Larping is a real thing for people who want to do Fantasy Role Play in Real Life and that's fine. Those people are cool. Honestly, the correct term for these people should be "imposters/pretenders" because that is what they are doing, they are jumping in to a fandom and literally gate keeping it from people like myself who have played Silent Hill since the original PS1 so I would love to have some bitch in their Mom's basement tell me I am not a real fan of the series.

Yea go ahead and tell me I ain't a real fan...

Anyways, I want to talk about some of the crap I have been reading from these people who claim to be fans while gate keeping the series if you disagree with them.

For starters, no one is taking the original games away from you, if you prefer those games to the Remake Bloober Team did then that's fine, but its really rude to shit all over an amazing game because you feel it somehow is destroying your enjoyment of the original. The original games will always be there, I have them as well and I can load them up on my PS2 anytime I want. I understand not everyone has that luxury sadly, and emulation is certainly an option. I would recommend that over the HD Collection because Konami didn't have the source code for those, I honestly with Konami just sent the games on PS1-PS2 to a studio that could reverse engineer the contents of the final discs but I don't know much about how that works. It would be better than what we got with the HD Collection because those versions run like ass. The voice acting was ruined for unknown reasons.

Another thing I keep hearing is how Silent Hill 2 Remake is way too long and features forced combat sections. So, you are trying to tell me Silent Hill 2 OG had no forced combat at all? Oh wait, what about the bosses? Seriously? I mean if you want to challenge yourself and kill nothing go right ahead but most people aren't gonna play like that. You really come off as nitpicky when you use that as an excuse why the remake was bad. I personally love how much was added in the remake. We get to explore Silent Hill more, which I am down for. Who doesn't want to experience more of Silent Hill? I do know this game is not one you can finish in a day like the original game, but that is fine in my opinion. It doesn't ruin the experience for me.

I know I'll probably get shit for this, but again, THIS IS MY OPINION.  It is not fact and if that's the direction the series is gonna go in then whatever, it's fine, I guess. I am not a fan of games taking place outside of Silent Hill. The game series is called SILENT HILL. That's like making a Final Fantasy game with no Chocobos, no Magic, no Moogles, nothing to tie it to what makes it Final Fantasy. And I know what some people will say?

"Oh but the fog is there and the main character will be punished with monsters."

Okay, that's Silent Hill 2, why are we still trying to repeat Silent Hill 2? You do know other games exist besides Silent Hill 2 right?

What did Harry need to be punished for?

What did Heather need to be punished for?

Harry was experiencing Alessa's nightmare unintentionally because she was projecting it on the town by accident because of her merging back with Cheryl (her other half.)

Heather was experiencing the nightmare caused by the God that was growing inside of her projecting the nightmare around her despite not being in Silent Hill which is fine because the God is able to bleed the Otherworld in to our own dimension.

Anyways going back to my point of Silent Hill games taking place outside of Silent Hill, I don't mind if games are made outside of Silent Hill if they make sense. I was okay with Silent Hill f because it was a side story. I tried the game and couldn't enjoy it because I personally did not like the setting and Townfall I may or may not check that one out. I am very excited for Silent Hill 1 Remake and possibly if that does well we may get a Silent Hill 3 Remake. Fingers crossed. I also enjoyed Silent Hill: The Short Message as a side story, HOWEVER, that game introduced something lorewise that makes me cringe.

THE SILENT HILL PHENOMENON

This new lore throws out the lore of the cult (the Order) tainting the ancient power in Silent Hill by birthing their God through Alessa's psychic powers for something far more stupid.

Basically, if you get depressed enough, you'll see fog and monsters will appear. I am not shitting you, that is literally what they came up with just so they can set the game in other places besides Silent Hill. Also it seems like they just want to regurgitate Silent Hill 2 over and over again by just having people who did bad shit or are experiencing shit and need to be punished for it. That worked in Silent Hill 2 because James killed his wife. And guess what we did that with Homecoming and Downpour and those games sucked because the developers who made those games didn't understand what they were even making. No offense, just saying.

Bloober really proved to me with the Silent Hill 2 Remake that they understand the source material and I would be happy to see them take on an original Silent Hill title, granted if they fuck up Silent Hill 1 remake then I will feel differently.

So yea I am not a big fan of the Silent Hill Phenomenon, it basically retcons the cult (The Order) and says if you get depressed enough then you will go through hell. Fun. Its really stupid. You can feel differently than me but that's just how I feel and that's okay because we are all allowed to have different opinions.

I really hope Bloober doesn't trim the Remake of 1 down because people are upset with how padded Silent Hill 2 was. I want to see and do more in Silent Hill 1 just like I did in Silent Hill 2 Remake. Give me more, I love it. Anyways, I had to get that off my chest. Sorry about some of the tangents, I am a huge lore nerd for Silent Hill so I love seeing the speculation and theories people craft in the Silent Hill community but when people say things like "Pyramid Head" can be in any game and isn't tied to just James, this is my theory and no one can tell me I am wrong. Well no offense but you are wrong, Masahiro Ito will tell you are wrong and he's part of Team Silent so deal with it. Some things in Silent Hill are up for speculation, for example when James goes in to the Silent Hill Historical Society building and walks down the stairs which seems to go in to the lake, is he still in the real world of has he been transported to another dimension? Is he really just standing in the building and hallucinating because the tainted power of the town? That is up for speculation. But Pyramid Head being anything other than a manifestation of James guilt and James urge to be punished for what he did to his wife, that is not up for debate. That is a fact. Just like Pyramid Head does not exist unless James is there so when he (Pyramid Head) shows up in games like Homecoming its ridiculous and nothing but fan service.

Return to Blogging, Working on Music and my Mental Health.

Hey everyone, its been a while. Kind of just realized that I can't stand social media anymore, literally all I keep seeing on Facebook is an endless feed of everything that's wrong with the world or people telling other people that their opinion is shit and that everyone should accept that persons opinion as fact. Its really gross and I have decided that instead of posting how I feel there I am gonna try to post more on a Blog. Now I haven't decided if I will continue to put blog posts here or if I will switch but I am tossing around the idea of either staying here or going to WordPress, gonna do some research and figure that all out before I post anymore so Memoirs of a Pocket Cub may be moving, we will see.

Lets update on some things, first of all I have started work on my seventh studio album, I finally have stuff to work with and I have two songs ready for the album "I Do Not Want This" and "Last". Originally I was throwing around doing a Witch House album but I feel like I am forcing that if I were to continue. I want to just make music at this point that sounds good and not stick to a sound, just do what feels good and hope for the best. It feels like I am writing Forest of Memories Vol. 1 again because its been so long and I feel really rusty at making music but I am really enjoying the process of discovering how to do it all again. I am definitely not rushing it so when the music is done it will be done.

My mental health is better since my last post in January, I can't say its amazing because look at the country I live in and the crowds of idiots telling themselves that our nation is in a good place. Delusion, convince yourself? I really wish I had a therapist right now but I guess I have to wait until Michael retires and we move to California or wherever we plan on going. I'm about 6 and half months sober from Meth so been staying away from that, sometimes with all the shit going on I want to numb myself but I am staying away from it. Hope I can continue to do that.

Sorry if I seem so scattered brained, its almost 4am here and I wanted to just do a quick update again I plan on blogging more because I want to talk about whats on my mind and boy do I have some thoughts about things. So glad to be back, gonna get some rest now. Goodnight.

Things falling apart...

My life and I have officially fallen apart, I hope everyone is happy who pushed me to this point. You win. I don't care anymore. I just don't care anymore.

What lead to this?

Lets start with the letter I received telling me that I will need to switch off of "Biktarvy" which is the HIV medication I take currently. Apparently, Florida doesn't want to pay anymore for that medication, so they are going to have to switch me to something else. I have also read that they want to stop patients from taking Descovy which I NEED to take because Truvada effects my liver too harshly. I have ended up in the hospital once after taking Triumeq for a few years. At some point, it stopped working for me, and I had a severe reaction to it with my liver. My doctor can't put me on medications that use Truvada as a base. If they put me back on Truvada, I could very well end up in the hospital again so I am scared of that.

I also needed to renew my Food Stamps and that has completely changed now. I have been receiving Food Stamps since 2010 and now they changed how that works despite nothing having changed with my disability, I have to get a letter telling them what is wrong with me which I have no issues doing but the Alachua County Health Department is basically acting like I never mentioned being disabled in the entire time I have been there despite years and years of them asking me about them when I come for visits so they can put it in my file. So they have been dragging their feet so much so that I still haven't got the paperwork and I missed the date I needed to get the paperwork in so my Food Stamps have been terminated for this month. I am still going to try to get the letter regardless because I need to have it since the government wants to make me jump through hoops now and actively make me feel like shit about something I struggle with each and every day and can't control.

So what do I struggle with? Physically I have Fibromyalgia which fluctuates day to day but I am ALWAYS IN PAIN. It never stops and it's only when I talk about my pain that it's unbearable. I am currently dealing with untreated Diabetes which I try to deal with by going for walks everyday so I can physically lose some weight as well as dietary changes I have made but its still pretty bad and I find myself getting tired a lot. I have tried Ozempic and it made me gain weight and nauseous all the time so I was told I can't take GLP-1 medications. I may have to take insulin. That might be the next step.

Mentally is where I have most of my problems. I suffer from Major Depression, General and Social Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia has creeped in to my life within the last year. I don't feel safe leaving the house, and when I try to leave, I feel intense fear and nausea overtake me. A lot of it comes from the current administration, people in general just being horrible which lately is a majority of people and now I can add how I am being treated by Florida's government to the list. I am also a recovering Meth addict, I go to 12 step meetings and I have a sponsor.

I am terrified that our current administration is doing this because they want to see people like me who are poor and unable to help themselves suffer and die because society feels it would be better if we were not "burdening" them anymore by simply existing. Everyday I struggle to keep myself together, just to be okay for today and it doesn't help when people feel that I shouldn't exist because I am "leeching" off of the system. I want to work, I want to be normal, I want to not feel the way I do or struggle everyday with what I do. Trust me I do, I wish I could go work a 9 to 5 job and get a paycheck and be financially stable. I want to go out and have friends and not be scared of leaving the house. I want to not be physically in pain every waking moment. I don't want to have panic attacks everyday, unable to breathe, heart beating out of my chest, wondering if I am going to die right then and there.

BUT I CAN'T...

I just can't, for years I have tried to do everything I can and I just can't do it, I know what my limitations are. The life I have now is that I simply exist and it sucks because I want to live, I want to thrive and because of all of my issues I just can't. So I do what I can to try to normalize my life. I push myself to work on creative projects like video editing and music creative to express myself, it gives me a job to do. The days where I struggle the most I stay in bed and just try to work through it. I am doing everything in my power and in my being to just be okay. I know people don't understand how hard that is sometimes, you have not lived in my shoes. Just simply being alive one day at a time tells me I am strong. I wish I was stronger though, I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this.

I want to take a second to thank all of my friends over the last few days who have reached out to me and tried to give me links and phone numbers of organizations I can call and try to make this journey less of a struggle. You all are amazing and I am fortunate to have you all as friends despite sometimes not being able to be there for you all because of my issues. It gives me some peace to know I have people out there who care about me when I struggle to care about myself somedays.

I said above that I don't care anymore, that is how hopeless it feels right now. I am scared of what the future holds, but I will not back down, I need to stay strong and do what I can to fight this fight.