Its time to address the elephant in the room... what I about to talk about is still very fresh for me and I am extremely uncomfortable addressing it but this is my blog and I want to be able to talk about my life here. Good or bad, I need to be able to look back and learn from my mistakes so I don't repeat them.
I relapsed on Meth on September 23rd and binged until September 29th. Lets start at the beginning.
How did I end up here?
You could see from my previous post "Nothing Can Stop Me Now (Because I Don't Care Anymore)" that I was in a pretty dark place and I have been for some time. If you don't know what I mean then let me try to explain a bit further, the world that we live in right now is scary, its just a really horrible place and I couldn't imagine having children growing up right now with what we are living through. Its that bad and I wouldn't want to subject my children to this shit show. I talk about our government, I talk about Trump, I talk about people in general just being so cruel and horrible to one another. Its like everyone just wants to see everyone suffer around them and they all get off on it. It feels like it all started in Trumps first presidency and then when COVID-19 hit that was just the perfect storm for the enshittification of everything and everyone. The only people who are doing well are billionaires and rich people, everyone else is just living to survive, no one is thriving and people are just breaking under the weight of it all. I know this is a simplified statement of an otherwise more complicated problem and it is, part of the reason for that is I am sick to my stomach trying to explain the problem, a problem that I can't fix because of how fucked our system is. I just hope it can be fixed within my life time, but for right now I just want to focus on my own mental health and where I am now because I can only control myself and where I go from here.
So I got a message about a week prior to my relapse from a guy I would hook up with, he offered to hook up with me again and to help get me drugs. I said yes, thinking to myself "well its close to my birthday and doing this one time isn't gonna kill me..." God I was so fucking wrong about thinking that.
What happened?
I gave him about 60 dollars for the Meth on September 23rd, I started almost immediately and kept going for days. How I used to do Meth was I would crash out on the 3rd day usually but it seems I have upgraded from that because now I just do it all until I run out of supplies which I have never done before. This means I went 7 days straight with almost no sleep, no eating and barely drinking anything which is really not good for you. I tried to go to sleep and was unable to do so, took a Benadryl to try to help me sleep and it did absolutely nothing and then I ended up in the hospital. My heart was going crazy from being up for so many days and my mind wasn't much better. I don't think I realized how detached I had become from reality because I was seeing a hearing things that weren't there. Jacob took me to the hospital and I thought people were talking about me but I honestly believe my mind was making up shit that no one was saying and I was just going off on people in the hospital thinking I was defending myself. I didn't realize this until the second time I went back which was a day later. I was sitting there hearing people talking about how I should kill myself and that I was gonna die there because of what I did to myself. I heard some of the worst things I have ever heard and I don't believe any of it actually was real because Michael was with me and he said no one was saying anything to me. In fact, the staff was being really nice and trying to make sure I was okay so I tried my best the second time to just bite my tongue and not respond to anyone because I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. What reinforced that I wasn't experiencing reality anymore was on the drive home from the hospital, I saw a shadow figure that looked like 3 dogs conjoined together crossing the street before our house and they stopped in the street and sank in to the floor. I had never seem something that disturbing before, only in horror movies which I know aren't real. Never with my own eyes. When I got home I was seeing faces in the windows and hearing voices at the front door and people talking that weren't there. I had to get to sleep, I had to get well again. I went to bed and spent the next couple of days sleeping and resting trying to get better.
Where am I now?
This is probably the part that is the most rough right now for me. I am currently in a place where I am asking myself "who am I" because I honestly don't know right now. I've been reflecting on what I did and what happened because I need to face what I did and I want to face it, I want to remember it and I don't want to ever go back to that place again and experience what I did. I believe this has become part of my trauma now and I don't know if that is good or bad but I do know that as of right now I never want to touch meth again. I am absolutely horrified by what has happened and the thought of experiencing it again fills me with dread and disgust so I want to keep those feelings close to me if and when I experience cravings again. I know I will experience those again and I want to be ready because I never want to do this again. I will go back to my meeting on Wednesdays and also I want to try the Satanic NA meetings and see how that goes just to give me something else to try as well. I am glad I have a sponsor as well to talk about this stuff with. I know I have people I can speak with about this and I will use those connections I have to keep sober. Sometimes they say that was have reach our rock bottom in order to recover, I believe what I went through was my rock bottom. I want to hold on to what happened and have it remind me of what happens if I go back again so that I never feel like doing it again. I don't want to forget. This is a fear I want to hold on to because if that fear keeps me sober than so be it.
So thats where I am now, I am literally at 5 days sober as of today, and needless to say everything else in my life is on hold right now while of focus on my sobriety so don't expect me to work on any projects right now. Making sure I stay sober and focus on rebuilding myself and my life, that is my project right now and will be for sometime now. I am sorry, I would love to work on videos, streaming and making music but all of that must take a back seat right now until I feel comfortable with myself again and I can tell you right now that won't be for sometime. I will continue to blog because I need to be able to share what is going on in my life and reflect on it. Also I enjoy reading past blog posts and remembering where I was, its theraputic. I am sorry if I let anyone down, I feel like I let myself down the most. I am just happy to be alive right now and still be here. I have shaven my beard, I feel like I needed a fresh start and right now I don't want any reminder including seeing my face with facial hair to remind me of the psychosis episode I had because it was very traumatizing. Its time to write a new chapter of my life and I hope this will be the start of a more positive, gentler part of my life. Only time will tell, I just know that things can't continue the way they have been. Something has to change.
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