Setting the Record Straight = (Goodbye New York, Hello Michigan/Happy 23rd Birthday, Weekend From Hell, Someone Special)

Hey everyone, so when I came back to blogging a few days ago I sat down and went through some of my oldest entries just to remember where I was at those times, what my headspace was like and I can tell you I noticed I actually kept a lot of stuff out probably because of where I was living or who I was living with and I figured those people probably would read what I write and get mad at me. Thankfully I am in a better place and I give zero fucks these days at who I offend because sorry but if you did something shitty then you need to OWN YOUR SHIT. I am not perfect and I own when I make shitty decisions, but I see a lot of people don't, instead they think they are perfect and never do anything wrong. Anyways, I haven't had a therapist in a while (can't get one here in Florida unless I want to pay money which I don't have OR get a shitty free one) so I thought maybe I would go back through some posts and address where I was and get the story straight since in those old posts I was tiptoeing around people to keep the peace.

So lets start with the period of June to August of 2010, at that time I was living in the Bronx with my ex fiance Michael L. Little did I know that Fountain House was harassing him telling him that he couldn't have me living there with him and basically pushed him to kick me out threatening some action that they couldn't actually take because Michael owns his apartment, not Fountain Hoe. I found this out years later of course from Michael when we talked about it, he apologized to me for forcing me out. I really could have done without the 5 months of hell I endured up in Michigan but yet if I didn't end up there maybe I wouldn't have ended up with my current roommate Michael V. I think he regrets the decision honestly and I forgive him for that, I blame Fountain House more, they are suppose to be a supportive Mental Health Club House that is suppose to HELP YOU! Shoving people in to Homelessness is not HELPFUL so seriously fuck that place and everyone that works there. The people who work there are fake as fuck anyways and treat everyone there like we are all low functioning which is so rude anyways. Me and Michael L are in a better place now I believe, we have worked through our issues and I am happy to still have him in my life. Alright, lets talk about the sociopath I lived with in Michigan named Adam.

When I moved in with Adam I honestly thought he wanted to help me but it felt like when I got there he just wanted me either for sex or a relationship. After a week of living there he kind of started to get distant with me and told me he just wanted to be friends so I took that as "okay if I want to see other guys I can". Well I must of been wrong because all that did was make him even more distance and cold to me, resulting in him moving in to the unfinished attic to sleep in an exposed mattress. Eventually he completely stopped coming back to the house after work which wouldn't have been so bad if I had a way to get around, I had no way to get food for myself and we were just getting in to the winter months so it was cold as hell. One morning I woke up and found he child proofed the heater so I couldn't turn it on at all so I had to sit around the house for days with no food in 30 degree weather inside the house. Over those months I was finding that he was going around talking shit about me to people he had introduced me to, eventually no one wanted to talk to me in Michigan because of him. Honestly I wish he just would have told me to find another place to live instead then I wouldn't have wasted 5 months there. Maybe I would have moved in with Michael V sooner or straight from New York instead. Would have honestly been better in the long run. What do you expect from someone who's favorite song is "Only Happy When It Rains", says a lot doesn't it?

Okay so lets talk about the fucked up situation that was the Weekend From Hell from my 23rd Birthday, specifically Chris and Bruno. I believe I met Chris on Facebook and they wanted to meet me for my birthday which was fine. Chris and Bruno made it clear to me during the dinner and spending time with them that they wanted me to join their relationship and date them which I was down for however after the dinner they told me something they expected me to do which in hindsight now is extremely fucked up. Basically they wanted me to become HIV Positive for them which at that time I was not HIV Positive, they claimed it was so they could "become closer to me". Maybe they were in to gift giving and I am not a bug chaser so not sure if thats what they wanted. Don't care and besides that when we were driving I remember some kind of a melt down going down between Chris and Bruno which resulted with one of them leaving the car and walking away from the car and us sitting there for a good 10-15 minutes. I also remember somehow that fight turned in to blaming me for everything that happened so yea no idea what happened. I became the scapegoat for that bullshit which is probably good because had I gone through with that I would have given up my health for two guys who didn't deserve it. When I mentioned in that post "I don't want to disclose any personal information but i'll just say I had a pretty screwed up evening and i'm still trying to figure out what happened." this is what I meant so I hope that clarifies things.

Why am I addressing this shit now? Well its been a while and I haven't read my blog in years since I stopped posting on here and I can see I was just trying to keep the peace while not actually addressing shit because god forbid they read what I write. I honestly don't care now if they read this or not, I am using this as a growing experience for myself to look back, process this trauma and move forward. I actually feel lighter now having let this shit go, I may do this again if I read more shit in the blog that I never addressed or lightly addressed. I want to be at peace myself, especially now that I am sober and in this world that is so cruel and horrible right now we have to do what is best for ourselves and our peace. Keep your peace and protect it.

Lets talk about Silent Hill and the "fans"...

Time to vent about one of my favorite video game series, Silent Hill. Anyways, lately I have been seeing people online who have never played Silent Hill (but claim to be fans) telling other people that if you like Silent Hill 2 Remake for instance that you aren't a true fan. First of all, who the fuck are you and why can't you let people enjoy things? Second, actually go play some of the game before you claim to be a fan of something. Now I know some people are too scared to play Silent Hill and would rather watch someone play it and that's fine, you can be a fan of the series, but I am talking about people who literally claim to be fans and have never once touched any of the games and maybe saw one video online and suddenly made it their whole personality. Its fucking weird and its not just Silent Hill. I've seen it with Resident Evil "fans" as well. Lately these people are being called "Larpers" (Live Action Role Play--ers) but I think that isn't the right term because Larping is a real thing for people who want to do Fantasy Role Play in Real Life and that's fine. Those people are cool. Honestly, the correct term for these people should be "imposters/pretenders" because that is what they are doing, they are jumping in to a fandom and literally gate keeping it from people like myself who have played Silent Hill since the original PS1 so I would love to have some bitch in their Mom's basement tell me I am not a real fan of the series.

Yea go ahead and tell me I ain't a real fan...

Anyways, I want to talk about some of the crap I have been reading from these people who claim to be fans while gate keeping the series if you disagree with them.

For starters, no one is taking the original games away from you, if you prefer those games to the Remake Bloober Team did then that's fine, but its really rude to shit all over an amazing game because you feel it somehow is destroying your enjoyment of the original. The original games will always be there, I have them as well and I can load them up on my PS2 anytime I want. I understand not everyone has that luxury sadly, and emulation is certainly an option. I would recommend that over the HD Collection because Konami didn't have the source code for those, I honestly with Konami just sent the games on PS1-PS2 to a studio that could reverse engineer the contents of the final discs but I don't know much about how that works. It would be better than what we got with the HD Collection because those versions run like ass. The voice acting was ruined for unknown reasons.

Another thing I keep hearing is how Silent Hill 2 Remake is way too long and features forced combat sections. So, you are trying to tell me Silent Hill 2 OG had no forced combat at all? Oh wait, what about the bosses? Seriously? I mean if you want to challenge yourself and kill nothing go right ahead but most people aren't gonna play like that. You really come off as nitpicky when you use that as an excuse why the remake was bad. I personally love how much was added in the remake. We get to explore Silent Hill more, which I am down for. Who doesn't want to experience more of Silent Hill? I do know this game is not one you can finish in a day like the original game, but that is fine in my opinion. It doesn't ruin the experience for me.

I know I'll probably get shit for this, but again, THIS IS MY OPINION.  It is not fact and if that's the direction the series is gonna go in then whatever, it's fine, I guess. I am not a fan of games taking place outside of Silent Hill. The game series is called SILENT HILL. That's like making a Final Fantasy game with no Chocobos, no Magic, no Moogles, nothing to tie it to what makes it Final Fantasy. And I know what some people will say?

"Oh but the fog is there and the main character will be punished with monsters."

Okay, that's Silent Hill 2, why are we still trying to repeat Silent Hill 2? You do know other games exist besides Silent Hill 2 right?

What did Harry need to be punished for?

What did Heather need to be punished for?

Harry was experiencing Alessa's nightmare unintentionally because she was projecting it on the town by accident because of her merging back with Cheryl (her other half.)

Heather was experiencing the nightmare caused by the God that was growing inside of her projecting the nightmare around her despite not being in Silent Hill which is fine because the God is able to bleed the Otherworld in to our own dimension.

Anyways going back to my point of Silent Hill games taking place outside of Silent Hill, I don't mind if games are made outside of Silent Hill if they make sense. I was okay with Silent Hill f because it was a side story. I tried the game and couldn't enjoy it because I personally did not like the setting and Townfall I may or may not check that one out. I am very excited for Silent Hill 1 Remake and possibly if that does well we may get a Silent Hill 3 Remake. Fingers crossed. I also enjoyed Silent Hill: The Short Message as a side story, HOWEVER, that game introduced something lorewise that makes me cringe.

THE SILENT HILL PHENOMENON

This new lore throws out the lore of the cult (the Order) tainting the ancient power in Silent Hill by birthing their God through Alessa's psychic powers for something far more stupid.

Basically, if you get depressed enough, you'll see fog and monsters will appear. I am not shitting you, that is literally what they came up with just so they can set the game in other places besides Silent Hill. Also it seems like they just want to regurgitate Silent Hill 2 over and over again by just having people who did bad shit or are experiencing shit and need to be punished for it. That worked in Silent Hill 2 because James killed his wife. And guess what we did that with Homecoming and Downpour and those games sucked because the developers who made those games didn't understand what they were even making. No offense, just saying.

Bloober really proved to me with the Silent Hill 2 Remake that they understand the source material and I would be happy to see them take on an original Silent Hill title, granted if they fuck up Silent Hill 1 remake then I will feel differently.

So yea I am not a big fan of the Silent Hill Phenomenon, it basically retcons the cult (The Order) and says if you get depressed enough then you will go through hell. Fun. Its really stupid. You can feel differently than me but that's just how I feel and that's okay because we are all allowed to have different opinions.

I really hope Bloober doesn't trim the Remake of 1 down because people are upset with how padded Silent Hill 2 was. I want to see and do more in Silent Hill 1 just like I did in Silent Hill 2 Remake. Give me more, I love it. Anyways, I had to get that off my chest. Sorry about some of the tangents, I am a huge lore nerd for Silent Hill so I love seeing the speculation and theories people craft in the Silent Hill community but when people say things like "Pyramid Head" can be in any game and isn't tied to just James, this is my theory and no one can tell me I am wrong. Well no offense but you are wrong, Masahiro Ito will tell you are wrong and he's part of Team Silent so deal with it. Some things in Silent Hill are up for speculation, for example when James goes in to the Silent Hill Historical Society building and walks down the stairs which seems to go in to the lake, is he still in the real world of has he been transported to another dimension? Is he really just standing in the building and hallucinating because the tainted power of the town? That is up for speculation. But Pyramid Head being anything other than a manifestation of James guilt and James urge to be punished for what he did to his wife, that is not up for debate. That is a fact. Just like Pyramid Head does not exist unless James is there so when he (Pyramid Head) shows up in games like Homecoming its ridiculous and nothing but fan service.

Return to Blogging, Working on Music and my Mental Health.

Hey everyone, its been a while. Kind of just realized that I can't stand social media anymore, literally all I keep seeing on Facebook is an endless feed of everything that's wrong with the world or people telling other people that their opinion is shit and that everyone should accept that persons opinion as fact. Its really gross and I have decided that instead of posting how I feel there I am gonna try to post more on a Blog. Now I haven't decided if I will continue to put blog posts here or if I will switch but I am tossing around the idea of either staying here or going to WordPress, gonna do some research and figure that all out before I post anymore so Memoirs of a Pocket Cub may be moving, we will see.

Lets update on some things, first of all I have started work on my seventh studio album, I finally have stuff to work with and I have two songs ready for the album "I Do Not Want This" and "Last". Originally I was throwing around doing a Witch House album but I feel like I am forcing that if I were to continue. I want to just make music at this point that sounds good and not stick to a sound, just do what feels good and hope for the best. It feels like I am writing Forest of Memories Vol. 1 again because its been so long and I feel really rusty at making music but I am really enjoying the process of discovering how to do it all again. I am definitely not rushing it so when the music is done it will be done.

My mental health is better since my last post in January, I can't say its amazing because look at the country I live in and the crowds of idiots telling themselves that our nation is in a good place. Delusion, convince yourself? I really wish I had a therapist right now but I guess I have to wait until Michael retires and we move to California or wherever we plan on going. I'm about 6 and half months sober from Meth so been staying away from that, sometimes with all the shit going on I want to numb myself but I am staying away from it. Hope I can continue to do that.

Sorry if I seem so scattered brained, its almost 4am here and I wanted to just do a quick update again I plan on blogging more because I want to talk about whats on my mind and boy do I have some thoughts about things. So glad to be back, gonna get some rest now. Goodnight.