As of next Monday, I will be 13 weeks Sober. This is the most time I have spent being sober in over six years and its really foreign to me, part of me feels like myself but then I have a lot of moments in between where I just lose all my confidence, all of my hope, and it feels like I am gonna break. I am suppose to take it easy on myself yet I keep finding that the silence is deafening to me, I am used to working on music, playing video games or making videos to channel how I am feeling but every time I try to do that now I completely lose confidence in what I am saying and feeling and I just want to disappear. Not disappear in a die sort of way, I mean like I am lesser than anyone else and I know that isn't true and it just overwhelms me. I feel it coming over me as I write this blog post, I am not sure of myself and I am scared that everything I am doing is wrong. Obviously that can't be true because I am still sober so that has to count for something I guess. Despite how lost I feel inside I am glad I haven't given in to cravings I have had or the depression or overwhelming thoughts that I just want to numb myself and feel better. I know its not better, I know its not normal. THIS is normal and I have to get used to that. I guess it just takes time, the problem for me is patience to which I don't have much of. I am doing my best though and that should be good enough. I realize that its probably for the best that I don't write music because honestly I am going in every direction right now, I am an emotional mess and while it may seem like I am holding it together to people online, I am just doing my best to get through each day. Trying to focus on "just try to get through the next hour" and "just get through today." I used to believe that 12 Step shit was bullshit until I actually realize how much importance "One day at a time" means to me, that is literally how I am getting through these days right now. This is uncharted territory for me now, getting past 3 months has been a mountain for me, I am happy I am finally gonna get past it but also scared because I have no idea what lies forward and I don't want to focus on my future much right now because I honestly can't handle it yet. All I know is that I want to live, I want to stay alive, I want to one day return to music and I want to do some things I haven't done yet. I have a chance to do that now, but first thing first, just for today, one day at a time.
