Been doing a good job of keeping shit to myself, not anymore. I need to let this shit out and I am gonna start writing blog posts more often. I can't do this on Facebook because for some reason people think that Facebook is just meant to show a perfect version of you that has no issues and everything is sunshine and rainbows. Life is white, black and gray, its not just one color. I am doing this for me and not anyone else so if someone gets offended that is their own issue. I need to do what is best for my mental health.
As of April 9th I will be 2 months sober from Methamphetamine, I binged for six days straight, didn't sleep and ended up going in to psychosis and almost losing my mind and that was it for me. Since then I've had nightmares, panic attacks and disturbing thoughts and dreams from time to time. I guess that will be permanent which is fine, I probably deserve it. No one deserves it but I should have been stronger, I should have done more. I know putting myself down won't help and honestly it just makes me feel worse about myself so lets move forward. I am proud of myself so far getting to 2 months, I want to stay off of the shit forever at this point. Its gone on for way too long and I can't go back but I can go forward and build a life without it.
Speaking of nightmares, I had one today, and it was extremely disturbing so trigger warning if anyone has any issues with suicidal thoughts. I am not suicidal, I am scared of getting hurt much less hurting myself but I had a horrible dream where me and my partner had a huge fight and I said "if you are gonna keep yelling at me then maybe we shouldn't be together", he walked off after I said that and I went to go find him and he had a revolver in his mouth and he shot himself in front of me. I started to scream and I woke up screaming and sweating like crazy and my partner put his arms around me while I cried and I hugged him close because I was scared it really happened. Again, probably one of the horrible side effects of using Meth. I hope this isn't permanent and if it is I will see what I can do if anything to lessen these dreams because I find them extremely disturbing and upsetting.
Today we had the Landlord's partner come over because our sink in the kitchen started leaking and I mean like a waterfall coming through the wall kind of leak. The plumber who came by last week replaced the pipe but left the wall completely open and we've had roaches and palmetto bugs pretty much showing up around and I am phobic of those bugs. They scare the shit out of me, so I wanted the wall closed. He came over today and first thing he noticed and addressed was not the sink but that this was a one bedroom apartment and me and Jacob living here was probably not legal and he basically went on and on about it to the point where honestly it stresses me out just thinking about it. If he needs to increase rent that is fine, Jacob is cool with that. If he kicks us out then we will find another place but what we are not doing is seperating. Michael, Jacob and myself are all chosen family and we will not abandon each other. It just really annoyed me because the landlord knows we've all be living here. I have been here for 11 years and Jacob, my partner moved in with me about 2 years ago and Michael has been here for 19 years. So its not like he didn't know we were here, but I guess his partner didn't know. I have no idea. I am just sick to my stomach with worry about what is going to happen. Anyone who has read my previous posts will know that I was homeless in NYC years ago and I have PTSD from that so today I was freaking out over being put in that situation again.
My therapist also switched to a different job so they put me with some new person at Meridian and well, she closed out with "we are gonna help you learn the skills within 12 months so you can go out on your own and function amongst society". Gurl, mental illness isn't a cold, here in Florida the Mental Health system is a joke. They will see you for a year and then discharge you like suddenly you are cured and you don't have depression or bipolar anymore. Its gone, you are cured. Its ridiculous so sadly I am not seeing anyone since they are the only choice here in Gainesville for mental health services and my hope is when we move from Florida I can find a new therapist where ever we move to and that state will probably have better mental health services.
With all of that I have been stressed out, trying keeping my shit together while also ignoring cravings and to say its been rough is a barely scratching the surface of how I feel right now.
I am scared to share how I feel about anything for the last several years online or on Facebook where most of the people I talk to are. Honestly I don't think they would care how I feel, how I am doing or if I were here or not. Thats sad to say but honestly they are online friends and I barely know any of them and I have tried to make friends. Its not like I don't try, but maybe I just suck at doing that because when I try I usually get ignored or treated like some piece of shit that is less than dirt and I just don't know what to do and the last thing I want is to yell and scream at people for being terrible human beings all the time. Its not my job to police people on their bad behavior which is why I have stopped doing my humor videos called "A Word From Dustin" because honestly it makes me feel like shit and stresses me out. No one should be as stressed and worried as I am but I am literally a walking and talking ball of stress and I hope by blogging again more regularly I can get this shit out, process it and help better myself and hopefully get completely sober long term.
