Heart Of Stone

New Years Eve of 2012, everyone is excited watching the television ticking down the seconds to the dropping of the ball. I stand there with Michael V, Mike M, and his boyfriend Anthony. The time comes to an end and we take a sip of our drinks and yell "Happy New Year". Then everyone in the bar but me and Michael gets a kiss from our loved ones. Its nice to see people who have found their significant others and while I watch I also feel sadness because I have not run in to that man yet. At this point I haven't been looking for a man since July of 2011, I just have been keeping to myself and getting to know people as friends. The problem with this is i've been getting messages from lots of guys who want to hook up with me. I tell them i'm not interested and they try to make me sound like i'm weird for not being all over them when they expected it. I shouldn't be expected to do anything for someone I don't know. These people have to learn some manners and grow up is how I personally feel but what do I know? So I go back to the room to lay down and relax because I finally feel uncomfortable after receiving a text about going to P House to hook up and seeing everyone else in the bar and feeling like meat on a stick. I'm laying in bed charging my phone and now my phone is buzzing off the hook with messages from guys at P House who are now horny after New Years and expect me to come over even though I don't own a car and suck them off, fuck them, whatever the hell they think they want. I don't even know your name and you want all this? Apparently names are overrated these days, its better to know the guy you slept with by what he gave you after you slept with but lets stay on track here. So i'm just getting upset because it seems like this is all I ever get from men, and while I do love sex, which I do, I just don't wanna give it out to anyone who comes along. I want to give myself to someone special who has to work for that right. That includes cuddling and kissing which some of my friends don't understand, yes i've flirted with some of you in the past but i've reach and limit in my life and i've matured to a point where I want to keep that between me and whoever comes in to my life. I just want to have friends who are friends, nothing sexual between us, and it seems gay men feel every man they come in to contact with is a sexual conquest or that a friend means we can fuck too and I don't believe in that. I believe friends are people you have a connection with on a mental and emotional level who just see you as a great person to hangout with. I think its because the level of sexual advertising and media always showing us as these sexual deviants who will go anywhere, fuck anywhere, and with anyone that we see it as normal and don't question it. I've come to a point in my life where I do question it because I don't want to give myself to people who don't deserve to have me in that way, and how I just want to save myself for someone who really wants me and not to get off on being with me. I can see many guys don't respect me because of the level of disrespect they give me with their requests during sex. I've been told I should be converted to being Poz so I can join relationships, i've been told I should fuck large groups of guys without protection because its hot, and i've been told by close friends to do drugs that I would never even consider doing because I know how damaging they are. But it seems if I complain about them and i'm open about the problems with those things, I always get people who don't understand me and why i'm complaining. Its like I should be doing that because its normal. Maybe i'm old fashioned or maybe i'm growing up, I don't know, I just see things differently then everyone else does and if you don't agree with me about those things then thats fine but don't make me feel like a freak because i'm not being converted, shot up with drugs, or having large NSA orgies. Those things to be are immature and show the kind of character you have the level of respect you have for yourself and you probably have very little respect for yourself if thats how you treat yourself.

I've decided that I want to just stay away from Scruff, Growlr, Facebook, Bear411 or any other site. I will probably update on Facebook when something new and important happens in my life but other than that I just feel its best for now to get myself to a place where I find some happiness in my own life.

Happy Holidays, Inconvenience, New Music Project

The holidays are among us again, sending cards out tomorrow. I am so far behind on cards, need to send them out tomorrow. Michael took me out Christmas Shopping this past Saturday, got a lot of awesome clothes. On Christmas Eve we will be at Mike's brother's house celebrating and unwrapping our presents. I was brought up Jewish I will also be celebrating Hanukkah, some people will ask why I'm celebrating Christmas then. Since I'm Pagan now, I just celebrate whatever I feel like celebrating.

Its been two weeks and Episode 29 is coming along at a snails pace. Its taking so long to finish this episode that its making me stressed out. I have backed away from all other projects to try and finish this but still its taking a while. It also sucks because I'm working so hard trying to get this out and I've got people calling me and messaging me whenever I'm working on this. I feel bad because I should talk to them but they are taking time away from me to edit. I'd rather call them back when I've gotten some work done but since no one thinks of this as a job they'll give me every excuse in the book why I should talk to them instead of editing. Not for nothing but I treat this show as a job and it takes up most of my time so when I'm editing I'm at work, would you be okay if I texted and called you every few minutes while you were at work? No of course not, so please show me the same respect and don't take it so personally.

Working on a yet untitled project with my friend Paul. Its still in the early stages but we are looking to do some music that is highly experimental and avant-garde. Only two songs have been created for this project so far and the words to describe the music at this point are unsettling, disturbing, and dark. Its very interesting to see what's coming from this project and I'll update more about it soon.

Strained Relationships and the Show that needs to End.

Went to bed around 9PM tonight but woke up around 2AM. Have thoughts racing through my head. Some are about my remaining work on the show, some are about signing up for a specific job and some of my insecurities and fears about if I get the job, and other thoughts are about just feeling unhappy with where I am as far finding work, having no health insurance or income and taking my frustration out on others. I'm going to discuss these in order now.

Lets start with the current work load left of Bears On The Coast. A lot of people have misinterpreted that The Sim Edition of BOTC would be the finale. Its not and the current state of that is that it will either be in the bonus season or be something else entirely. The last episode though is a "Best Of", a look back on some of the moments that make our show special for us and for our fans. It will feature the best of serious moments, funniest moments, memorable moments, Banjo moments and Friend moments. We are looking back on the series as a whole so I've been having to review 28 episodes looking for pieces to use. Because I am doing this its been taking longer than usual but I estimate it will be out sometime before Christmas.

Now that brings me to my job situation. A friend of mine referred me to this company he works for a week ago. I have yet to put in an application and this is because:

1. I still have to finish editing this final episode of the show. I really want to finish this before I apply so I don't fall behind on the show which is closing after this episode anyways.

2. Its been a while since I've had a job. My last job was in New York almost two years ago working for Law Firms. I kinda feel out of practice even though I know I could definitely do this job.

3. I am nervous since I'd be working from home that Michael might come home and be loud or try to disrupt me from my work and it my annoy the customer I'm working with and jepordize the job. This is something I have to work with Michael and if we need to move me in to another room when I'm working then so be it.

So these are my main concerns with the job right now. I know its normal to be nervous about these things and I'm sure once BOTC is done I will be able to think clearly and devote myself 100% to working.

This leads me to the last things with touches on me working on the show and not having work right now. Bears On The Coast, while it is fun and showcases my creativity has strained my relationship with Michael and some of my friends. I am editing this show from the time I wake up till almost Midnight almost everyday. I've been working this way for almost the whole run of the show.  I am worn out and I need to take a break from it because while I admit I can be a walking studio that can get the whole project done, a year straight of this is not healthy and hasn't helped me in any way find work that I'll actually get paid for. I am frustrated because I have so little time to focus on finding work and studying for my Drivers License because all I have time for is working on the show. That's why it needs to end for a while and I need to focus on my life and work on the things that are really important. Not to say BOTC isn't important, it is, but it doesn't pay the bills, it doesn't provide me income, and it doesn't give me health insurance which I desperately need. I understand its important to Michael and our fans but I didn't come down here to work on a underground show which I spend ridiculous hours to work on only to get very little out of it. I want to continue the show but one my own free time after I get things to where I want them to be and heal the gaps I've created from this show due to my crazy work schedule.

Hurt

I've been hurt so many times that I've become defensive with anyone who I talk to. Its a nasty habit that's developed from the bad experiences I've had with being naive and giving people too much control. It hurts that I've come to this, and now I feel terrible because its made me attack people who weren't doing anything to Me. This is something I have to work on, I am just scared of being hurt and its trapped me in this state of fear. I'm tired of these sleepless nights feeling like everyone hates me. I know that isn't true because I have friends who are there. But something inside me tells me I'm worthless and stupid. I want to lose these thoughts, I want to stop feeling like I'm not doing anything with my life, I want to stop giving a shit about other peoples views of me, and I want to feel like for once that I'm a good person and not a bad one. I am way too tired of these emotions and thoughts, I need to help myself now and try to get better.

Just a Quiet Day

Last night I fell asleep on the sofa after talking to a friend from Canada. Woke up around 5am and went to bed. Woke up around noon, worked on editing Episode 28 of BOTC. We are getting closer to the end. Just one more episode and Season 2 will be over. The new episode is of my 24th birthday which occurred this past September. I'm hoping theirs enough footage to make it a two part so we don't have to do more filming. Other than the editing today it was a pretty quiet day. Worked on some designs for my next album and trying to pick a single to promote the album. I also ordered a microphone so I should have it by Thursday. I look forward to doing vocals, I'm so used to singing these tracks by now that I have them memorized. I am hoping this album sells better, its more rough and raw then my first album. I've been told by friends who were lucky enough to hear it that this is definitely some of my best work which is always nice to hear. I just hope others say the same of it.

Misunderstandings And Dark Days

Lately things have been hard on me, I am going through a tough time in my life because I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing. I've searched for a job here for over 11 months with no success. I am just lost as to what I should do now. I love living in Florida, and I love living with Michael. I'm just tired of being home all the time. I'm also tired of being told I'm lazy and living off Michael. Michael wants me here and he doesn't mind that I don't have a job. Not that its a valid reason for me not to work. I want to work, really badly but theirs just nothing around. So because of this I guess I've been perceived as lazy or not mature in some way. I've also been seen this way because of my humor which has been observed as "crude" and "rude". Michael and me share the same humor and he understands it so why is my comments considered that and not his? I'll tell you why, because those people just don't understand me and see me as a easy target to take their issues out on. Its like high-school, the bully is always gonna go after the weaker, less fortunate person because it makes themselves feel better about their own problems. I am trying to not post anymore of personal thoughts of how stupid and fucked up some people are on Facebook as people take shit to personally on their and it seems theirs a lack of people who can take a joke these days. I'd also like to point out that people take how I act on Bears On The Coast seriously, if you have seen our live streams you will notice I am more quiet and reserved then running out and laughing and being silly. Yes, I have those moments and anyone with a sense of humor would understand I'm just having fun but instead it comes off as an attack. I state many times that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and that is never my intention. So why does it seem people disregard my words and just come to their own personal conclusion? People are very quick to judge these days and that's something I think is wrong. That's how drama occurs because people assume something based on something they heard or saw and instantly that becomes all they are and that's terrible. I like to live in a better place where everyone is accepted no matter their differences. I don't want to put anyone down and when you see me doing that on the show its either a joke or its based on me being disrespected. I make comments about others yes and I know I shouldn't. Sometimes it happens, I am human, I get angry like everyone else. I don't enjoy being held accountable for every action I make and so I really think its best I reserve my personal feelings for here as opposed to Facebook. At least on here its a personal journal and Facebook "isn't suppose to be serious" so I will treat it as such.

Meat Market, Weekend, Honoring Creativity

Been a while since I did a blog entry, a lot has happened. Last weekend I was in Orlando with Michael for Bear Bust and Bear Weekend Orlando. We were with our friends Mike, Anthony, Robert, Richard, Arni, and Jorge. It was an okay event. While I was there though I feel I came to a revelation about myself. I feel we all or some of us come to a point in our lives where we get tired of the random encounters and no strings attached hook ups. I've hit my limit and honestly when your young its told to us that this is normal. I'm still being told I should be doing it but I can't. The thought of sleeping with someone solely based on their looks physically makes me sick. I was being hit on most of that weekend by guys who were drunk and I didn't know them, not even their name. Maybe I've just gotten past that point in my life. This by no means says I'm opposed to FWB, I'd prefer to be friends and hangout. I'd even be open to dating if anyone was interested. Other than feeling like I was at a meat market I had a pretty good time.

This weekend we are going to Orlando and Tampa. Tomorrow were going to Orlando for the evening to visit a friend of mine, our first time meeting, I'm very excited. And then we will head to Tampa to spend time with Andrew. Tom is away for the weekend so it will just be me, Michael, & Andrew. Should be a nice quiet weekend.

Been working on some new tunes, found out how to use some new synthesis in FL Studio. I've been honoring my creativity but staying away from giving these songs names and purpose. I already have five albums on the back burner for release. If I ever do plan to release them it will be after I've released a great deal of my older stuff first.