What remains here and now...

Since starting recovery I have been unable to discover who I really am. I've been keeping myself busy working on music and getting my feelings out through that, I release last Friday a new Extended Play (EP) of music, very different from what I did prior just showing how different my art has become but also how different of a person I have become. As usual I am struggling to get anyone to listen to it, it almost seems like no one wants to listen to my music period and I am unsure of what I can do to change this. It just hurts knowing something you've been struggling to do especially after a very hard time in your life and still no one seems to care. Maybe thats why I turned to drugs because of years of no one giving a shit I finally stopping giving a shit too. I don't want to go back to that though, I want to remain in the here and now and keep getting better. Also if people don't want to take my art seriously thats all on them, I need to do this for me more than I need validation of my own existence. I am alive, that should be validation enough.

New EP can be found here:
https://voidofaxis.bandcamp.com/album/oblivion-ep

Facing The Truth

Its very hard for me to admit this but I'd rather do this now while it still hurts rather than take another chance that I will slip and end up back here again.

I am a Meth Addict, I am ashamed to admit this though. I feel like I've let everyone down and I've even let myself down. I spent the evening wanting to cry and freak out but unable to because of heart palpitations. It feels like nothing I do to distract myself from facing the truth works, I still end up using the drug and its taking a toll on me. Its clear that I can't do this on my own, but I need to stop. If I don't end it I fear what will happen to me because of how shit my health has been of late. Its been very hard to write this and I've attempted to many times but I always stopped myself. I am in denial and I can't face reality and I need to. I need to accept it, if I ignore it the outcome will be fatal.

We Are Orlando

I've always wanted to believe we lived in a better brighter world, a world where human beings have compassion and respect for one another especially because we are all so different and unique in our own ways.

I was wrong.

On June, 10th around 2AM a man named Omar Mateen who was disgusted to see two men who were in love with each other a few months earlier targeted a gay club in Orlando called Pulse where he went on a killing spree with a AR-15 assault rifle. He took 49 lives that night while countless others were left wounded both physically, emotionally and mentally. People who went out to enjoy themselves and get away from the troubles of life were mowed down because one bigot can't comprehend "LOVE" outside of his narrow minded view of the world and therefore decides to take action by ending so many lives of people who never did anything to him besides be themselves and love one another. That morning I woke to the news along with the rest of the world and my heart filled with sadness, I couldn't believe after all the years of fighting for our freedoms and slowly seeing this nation become more accepting of LGBT people that someone would or could do that to another human being. That sadness has now turned in to anger, a fierce fire that now drives me more than ever to extinguish people like Omar Mateen who harbor the fear and hate within their hearts towards something that doesn't hurt them. Two people who love each other and aren't hurting anyone else. Love no matter what form it takes between a man and a woman, two men or two women is beautiful and should be celebrated, not hated. Whether it be in the name of religion or sheer ignorance this behavior cannot be allowed to continue, I don't want to forget what has happened, I don't want to simply mourn and allow this to happen again, I want change now. I want our country to do something about this, we can't keep going on like this and pretending that mass shootings are a normal thing. People's live being ended like this will NEVER become a casual thing, I will NOT allow that to happen. In time I will comment more on this but for now I can't say much more than that.

Change: Good & Bad

Today was good and bad.

Good because I felt lighter, I had focus and my mind didn't seem to be clouded with doubt and insecurities.

Bad because in spite of that I didn't do what I should today. I found myself to be tired today and so I spent a lot of the day resting.

Overall I don't think it was all bad. I actually felt lighter without everyone on my back on Facebook or elsewhere. It was nice just to be in my own head for once and not focusing on someone else's problems and fixing it.

Change: The First Steps...

For a few months now I have been extremely unhappy with myself, I’ve hit an impassable wall that I can’t scale. I feel its been holding me back here and I took action today to start to scale that wall once again.

Today I deleted my accounts from numerous sites such as Adam4Adam, BarebackRT, Xtube and many others. My Facebook has been deactivated for the time being.

I hate Facebook, every time I go on there its nothing but useless information that people share to give them some kind of purpose. I don’t understand the constant posts that deal with furry animals, laughing at others misfortunes and being selfish posting a selfie every five minutes. Maybe its just where I am in my life right now but I am tired of people seeming to be famous over doing absolutely nothing. Maybe I am jealous because I try to do things to get people to notice me and instead it seems everyone hates me. Because of this I rarely post on Facebook anymore and I don’t see a point of going on there to read the stupid shit that people post. If people want to communicate with me I believe they should call me, Facebook is not the end all and be all and if it is to those of you then our “friendship” is not important enough to you to communicate with me outside of a social media app. That says a lot more about you than me.

Now that I’ve purged that from my life I can try to focus on myself and healing without being judged and told how I should think or feel. The next step for me is to try heal and I feel like blogging might help that. I used to blog on a website called Blogger and I found it a very reflective experience as I could go back to a time that I could remember and see how I felt and where I was. I believe sharing my thoughts and feelings is a very positive experience in that respect, I do it through my music a lot and thats why most of my music sounds the way it does. Lately my music has taken a very destructive and dark path demonizing myself as a monster and reflecting that by making harsh and raw music. While I do enjoy the music and it is a reflection of myself at the moment, it scares me. I am not afraid of looking at darkness but when you’ve lived in darkness for so long and you don’t remember what the light feels like you start to feel like a monster as I do. I very much believe that my life needs darkness and light, a ying and yang if you will and I’ve lost the light in my life. All I feel lately is anger and depression overcoming my thoughts, a growing hatred for everyone and everything. I don’t want this to be my life so these are the first steps towards change.

The Hardest Thing

The hardest thing I have to deal with is making a connection with someone on Facebook, taking the time to get to know them and comment on their posts and be involved in their lives only to suddenly and without notice be deleted. No explanation just removed. If you are going to do that then you should contact them, let them know why you are removing them and try to be respectful about it. Let them respond and see if it can or can't be worked out. If it can't be worked out then you respectfully say your goodbyes and move on.

Now instead of doing this, people remove you, get pissed when you contact them about it, and then act like you were nothing to them. Those actions make you are coward, in my eyes you emotionally disconnect from people and treat those who follow you like numbers and thats wrong. The sheep that follow these people, say they are nice, don't fool yourself. All you want is their dick in your ass. You just want to swoon on something you can never have and worship these men because of how attractive they are when instead you should be attracted to someone who will treat you with respect. Not like a number.

Goodbye Bears On The Coast, Hello the Future...

Bears On The Coast will be officially disappearing from streaming services like Youtube on November 12th, 2013. The decision was reached to differentiate the old material with the new material, sometime in the future it may all surface again but for now the videos go in to hibernation making way for new projects such as "The Real Whores Of Porkville" & "VOAGamerCub Let's Play Series".