A Moth To A Flame

Am I like a Moth to a Flame? Why do I keep coming back to something that keeps hurting me? I ask myself these questions after a weekend at a local Bear event. Since I moved to New York City a couple of years ago I considered myself part of the Bear Community, a community of men who are larger or hairier or just admire that type of look. Originally the community was created for people who didn't fit in to a particular stereotype and wanted a safe place to feel accepted. That meaning has all but dissolved from what I've seen. I feel I don't fit the particular standard of what the community asks for. I am not large enough, I am certainly not hairy enough, I don't drink to the point of being loose in all the wrong ways, I am not super butch. Seems I have all the odds against me and I just wonder why I even try anymore. I just want people to like me for who I am and if I can't get it from some over sized fan club gone bad then whatever. I'm tired of being at parties and feeling like a shadow that no one sees until I'm in their way. I'm tired of labeling myself for the benefit of others just so they can tear me apart later about how I'm "not like them". I don't want to fight in a popularity contest I didn't enter. I just want to have a great time with some like minded people who don't want to cause drama. And I'd like to just point out that I know its not everyone in the community who is responsible but you don't seem to be doing anything about the state of those issues so I guess things just won't change. That is fine with me because I don't consider myself part of that community anymore, I've tried and tried to be open and accepting of it but I'm tired of being nice and instead of going down to their level and making myself look bad, I just choose just not be involved with bad company. I'd rather be in the company of people I can trust and relate to, who won't say things about me behind my back, who will disregard my feelings and take advantage of my boyfriend, and who will be there for me no matter what happens. I'm not sure how this is going to affect other things in my life, I am not sure if I am keeping the current name of our show "Bears On The Coast" as it is since I no longer associate with it. We will see what happens.

New Single from Void Of Axis, The Cub Wash Strikes Back, Bears On The River

I recently composed a new track called "Stars". Did the vocals this morning (with a ghetto webcam mic mind you) and they came out pretty decent. Its an awesome track that I personally wrote and created for someone special to me. It isn't part of any particular album and so can be called a stand alone single between records. I will probably be releasing it sometime soon and will announce when I do. I'd love to maybe do a music video for the track, it really depends on how much time I have since i'm busy as hell with Bears On The Coast. But I will be working hard to try and get something out. As far as other music announcements, I am still working on my second album, trying to get a better mic set up. I have to get some equipment before I can continue with it. But its still being worked on. And I am going to be getting some new music from DJ Airrick for the Compass 3 project, I hope to share more with you soon.

Bears On The Coast Episode 18 is now up. I am currently editing Episode 19, if you missed the previous episode, check it out here. In this episode we go to Paynes Prairie, hangout at Spikes and then The Cub Wash makes a glorious return this is borderline porn edition. Its pretty awesome.

Bears On The Coast Season 2 Playlist

I'll be filming at Bears On The River which is being run by the Gatorbears. A local Bear group in Gainesville, Florida. James will also be down here visiting me so it will be very nice. I'll be filming a lot hopefully.

Evolution of Humanity

Why would God give us free will if he didn't want us to use it? I ask this question after I watched a video about a Right Wing Conservative discuss that Home Depot supports Gay Rights and that we are just putting Home Depot "In The Clasp Of Satan". Then you have us boycotting Target and Chick Fil A for funding anti gay rights groups. I'm sorry but I don't believe religions should be involved when running a business. Take Chick Fil A for instance, they are a Christian run company, why your religious views have to be expressed over a deep fryer making chicken is beyond me. I believe everyone has a right to believe what they want to believe but their should be a level of tolerance. In the work place you should be tolerant of everyones differences, you can't tell off a customer for coming in and holding hands with a person of the same sex. That is the consumer, and you should always give the consumer the best experience so they will want to come back. But i'm sure companies like Chick Fil A believe that they don't need to do this because they can survive without our money. It is possible but I don't believe its right. Everyone should be treated equally in the work place. I shouldn't have to go to work worried that someone is going to pull me down and force me to pray for the "demons" to be exorcized from my body. Though they don't see their behavior as bigotry it is. And they can't understand this because how would you when you are taught from birth to believe something and then your pushed out in to the world where not everyone shares your beliefs and your families beliefs. So what do you do? You harass people telling them you can save them and when we are civil with you and tell you "No" you get upset and tell us we are going to Hell.

Let me ask you something, what is God? God is not wrathful, He is very caring, very giving, and He put us here to experience life as we see fit. The reason why He hasn't stopped you is because He wants us to solve our own problems. Do you really think He would want us to be living in a world where all judge each other on our misfortunes and our differences? No. I believe He put us here to be open to everyone and everything life has to offer. Otherwise He would have never given us free will. If we were to be controlled why would He give us this? I sometimes wonder if their is a God since He never gets involved. Why does He let all these bad things happen to us? If He has the power to save people why doesn't He? Why didn't He prevent all these wars, 911, Child Molestation, Cancer, AIDS, Disease, Nuclear Weapons, people living Homeless in the streets? You really have to think about it. If their is a God, I don't think He wants to interfere with how we live our lives. But do I think He accepts the things we do to each other? Not at all. But what can He do, we are His children, we are His creation and we must show Him we are better than this...

All In A Days Work

Edited some of Episode 17 (Part 2) today, came to the decision after putting some music in the episode that for now the talking pieces of the show remain music free. I am nervous i'll run out of original music for the show before the second season is over. But in the meantime I will try to show off some of the music, I already have one track that will be featured during one sequence. I'm hoping to get the episode parts two and three out before I leave on Saturday to Sawmill. Other than that we did laundry today so all of our clothes are clean now. Best of all I am feeling much better today so hopefully i'll be all good by tomorrow. The only problem i'm having now is my growing dental issue. Before I moved from New York City in August, I had plans to get a lot of work done on my mouth. I was to have my Wisdom Teeth removed, get seven fillings, and then get a deep cleaning. I only had one of those done, I had all my Wisdom Teeth removed. Since then i've been in desperate need of getting the fillings done and a deep cleaning. Now I fear their are more problems as I have deep pains in my jaw and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I think its wrong that you go in to a hospital expecting someone to help you but instead you are approached and asked "Do you have insurance or a credit card?". I mean really what the fuck? Healthcare should be free, keeping people healthy and saving them from injuries should not cost money. Maybe i'll touch on this another time, i'm exhausted and need sleep.

Tidal Wave, BOTC Season 2 Starts, Compass 3

So a lot has happened since i've last blogged. Why the hell I can't keep up with this is dumb, and I am trying to fix that. We went to Tidal Wave/Gay Days at Disney in Orlando, stayed at the host hotel "Royal Plaza" which was very nice. The event itself was very nice, saw a lot of friends from online and met some new ones. Filmed quite a bit for Bears On The Coast at the event so I don't want to give away some of what you will see in that episode. Unfortunately, as I have recently learned from Michael, we both got home feeling sick and now we both have a cold. This was probably brought on by something at the event possibly in the pool, or elsewhere. Even possible to have picked it up at Disney as children wipe their nose and then touch everything. So we are hoping to get better by this weekend, I am feeling a bit better as my nose as cleared up, still have a bit of a cough but slowly getting better. We are considering going to Sawmill this Saturday for their Bear Weekend. And on Sunday we are going to visit Richard & Robert so I can return their CD/DVD drive we borrowed for the weekend. So we should have a good weekend as long as we are both well before Friday.

I've finally started editing Bears On The Coast Season 2, i've finished Episode 17 (Part 1) already and need to do Part 2 & 3 next. I will probably try to get those done before this weekend hits. I love the new intro i've created for the show and I am glad we have been receiving positive feedback from it. Some criticism has been made over the length of the intro as it clocks in at two minutes and twenty six seconds. This counts the episode name and number. I believe its the correct length as it showcases our reoccuring cast members that have been supportive of the show. I felt it was only fair to feature them as they don't get paid to do this and this is my way of thanking them for their support. If you feel the intro is too long and you don't approve then just fast forward. The show is an hour show so if you really feel that upset you lost two minutes and twenty six seconds then sorry but this is just how it is.

While working on music for Season 2 of Bears On The Coast I started to experiment with House/Trance music. In doing this I felt it would be better to ask for assistance from any artists willing to help. I have gained two awesome talents, those being Steven (DJ Bearish) & Eric (DJ Airrick). So far the process has lead me to compose a total of 13 tracks on my own. I am currently taking a break as to let Steven and Eric catch up and compose new works if they choose. So far Steven has contributed a track he composed which I think sounds great. If you watch Season 2 of Bears On The Coast you will find the tracks popping up all over the place. The opening theme titled "Ghost" was the first track created for the project and is one of my favorites. I have shown the material to some of my friends and have received a great reaction from it. Some are great to hear i'm doing more accessible and more mainstream work. And more importantly more upbeat music. I've been told the music I create is depressing and sad because of the content of what i'm singing and the music runs with that theme. A lot of my past material which has yet to be released is all based on times long past in which i've had something i've dealed with. I think happy and sad music is essential, you can't have one without the other. Life has its ups and downs, and my music is the same. I am glad I could prove to people that not everything I create is sad and depressing. Some of it can make you dance and want to just have a good time and party. I'm glad I can create something different.

Thoughts On Black Swan & Misconceptions

I just finished watching Black Swan. I have to say that film is pretty fantastic, all the way to the end you are left feeling out of place and distraught. By the end of the film it doesn't give you an answer of what exactly happened, but more of a fill in the blanks with what you think happened. I personally think that Natalie Portman's character was mentally ill, she was suffering from many delusions that got worse and worse to the point of her ultimately endangering herself. It actually is kind of sad when you think about it. As a person who suffers with mental illness, its sad to see a movie like this about a person who just wanted to be the best she could be and ultimately its her illness that kills her. After seeing the film I think its great but its left a somewhat weird taste in my mouth. Maybe something about the film hit to close to home for me but I still recommend people to go see it as its a great film and was beautifully well done.

Also I must point out that some people who can't comprehend the film because of the "girl humping the floor" scenes and "all she does is get down on herself so that makes this a bad film" is bullshit. Those people have the mental capacity to watching Michael Bay films about dirty language and explosions. That's about it. Black Swan is for people who are MATURE and understand what mental illness is. To judge it as a film about "a girl who masturbates a lot and get upset" is pure horse shit. If you have the mental capacity to handle that then by all means watch this movie, and if you don't, go watch 2012, because that film was all about nonsense and unnecessary action sequences that never end. I'm sure you'll be watching it with someone as scary and bitchy as this girl...

Growing Pains

How can you laugh when someone doesn't understands your humor but expects you to find their humor amusing? How can you feel good about yourself when everything that makes you who you are annoys someone but you are expected to be tolerant of everyone else? How is it possible to not feel less than someone else when what makes you who you are is being criticized?

I try everyday to respect everyone's differences, I know I won't be able to get along with everyone. I don't ask that you understand everything about me, what I do ask is to just be tolerant of who I am. The last thing I need to feel is like a small infant who needs guidance because he's immature and no like everyone else. I don't expect others to deal with my problems, so don't expect me to deal with yours. If you can't handle my baggage what makes you think I can handle yours? I may have a jaded sense of the world but in the end I believe a better tomorrow does exist and that things will eventually work out because if I didn't then why would I be making an effort to make a better future for myself? The last thing I want to do with this entry is to start drama because i'm just stating how i'm feeling inside. And to some people stating how I feel inside to them means I am overreacting. But in reality I am just reflecting, that is the whole point of this blog. A way to reflect on the past and see it for what it is, a point of growth. I am human, I make mistakes and I am always learning and always growing.