Sexual Issues

Lately I've been having issues with my sexuality, I don't think its my method that is wrong. I think its that i'm changing and seeking something different than others are and to me it looks like everyone wants to screw everything they see and that is not me. My current situation is this, when I meet a guy I like or find attractive, I try to get to know them. I like to talk to them and see if we have a connection beyond my physical attraction. If I can't find that then more than likely I won't follow through with anything because NSA and Hook Up sex is very emotionless to me. I dislike using the word "Sex" with guys i'm with because of how little meaning it has now. It feels like a handshake based on how I see it being used by other men so it feels empty to me. I like to think that when i'm intimate with someone that I am giving them something special that not everyone can have. This kinda leads in to my last post where I just feel like some of the people I assosiate myself with are just always talking about having sex, with anyone, anywhere, no matter how they can get it and honestly that makes me feel uncomfortable. When I was younger I "sowed my oats" and played with lots of people and enjoyed the times but I feel now that i'm getting older and more mature that I don't want to keep doing that. I want to share that with a select group of people, whether thats a Boyfriend or just Friends With Benefits is fine to me. I don't want to share it with people who don't know me, don't want to know me, and want to get off with me and leave never to be seen again. I really can't stand that shit, and it makes me feel gross after its been done. When I hear some of my friends say how hot someone is i'm usually okay but when they add "I would fuck them" it just makes me uncomfortable. Makes me feel like i'm outcasted because I won't fuck every guy I find attractive. I feel like I have standards and it makes me wonder if theirs something wrong with me, or the guys that are doing this? I don't think theirs anything wrong with admiring someone. I admire lot of men for the way they look, and when I think of myself with them I think in terms of cuddling because i'm a cuddler. I enjoy cuddling and it doesn't have to be about "Sex". Just enjoy being close to someone else I think is handsome. I think i've said all I can really say on the subject. If I have anything to add i'll post it later.

This is how Men are Wired...

I am a man. Because i'm a man does that mean I need to look at members of the same sex or opposite sex and objectify them as sex objects. I don't mind saying someone is handsome and throwing up a picture every once in a blue moon on Facebook but what about the others who spend so much time commenting on photos of their friends or even a picture of some random guy they don't know just to say how hot they are and how much they want to do him. Am I the only one who finds this wrong? When I meet a guy I like to treat him with respect, I don't walk up and grab his ass or chest and try to make out with him immediately. Lately i've been more aware to this, I saw this a lot at Tidal Wave & Gay Days at Disney and it made me feel weird. I like men just as much as the next gay guy but i'm not going to be a nymphomaniac and make it my everlasting conquest to get laid by him or be the biggest whore of the weekend. Step right up, see how many loads this whore can take. Honestly, I know theirs some perverted people out there but its unsettling to see that more than the majority are on that same level leaving me in a minority of people who don't want to be physical with everything that walks in the room. I'm told that they are just being friendly with each other, well when i'm friendly with someone I say hello and give them a hug at most, I don't go and jump on them and try to do them then and there.

Maybe i'm crazy for feeling this way but I like to believe I have standards and I won't just use the excuse "i'm a man and this is how men are wired". If thats the case then what chance to straight women have with men since they are gonna be whore's with other women?

Waste

Yesterday I woke up, got showered and dressed and then sat back down on the bed but this time with a lingering feeling in the back of my mind. Slowly creeping up on me, I tried to submerge these emotions within myself but it was too late, it come out of me. "I hate myself" is what I said. "I hate how I look, I hate how I act, I hate how I am." Left with this feeling of disgust for myself I was angry and upset that I allowed myself to feel this way about myself but was I lying? No I wasn't, and the sad truth is that i've been hiding some of my feelings because I don't want to disappoint people. I want to be a positive influence to those who are struggling in their lives, and because of this too I felt worse. I had failed them and myself, I was upset and wrote on Facebook "I'm a waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of energy. The world would be better off without me."

I remember at that moment I truly felt that way but I didn't mean it in the way of suicide. I've always felt disappearing and running off to a place alone would do everyone good. Sometimes I feel like a time bomb around others as something bad is about to happen and its caused by my presence there. I'm just bad luck.

So as I said before I am not happy with myself and unfortunately a lot of what i'm not happy with is stuff I cannot change, its who I am. Sometimes I am content with who I am and enjoy it but other times like yesterday I truly hate myself. Let me explain what exactly I dislike about myself.

Physical:

I feel i'm pretty big now, almost 220 pounds and I can feel it. For my height that is pretty big, i've been told i'm not big enough so I feel I need to stick to this weight otherwise no one will like me. Another part of me would like to go down to between 170-180 and work out and turn some of this in to muscle but not become a muscle bear.

I'm balding so I can't do anything with my hair, only shave it down short or shave it all off. I wish I had more body hair but that's genetics and I can't fix that. I also wish my facial hair would grow in thicker, mine is very patchy and grows in thin and patchy all over my face. It also grows in wildly so brushing it is a must just to get it to calm down a bit.

I wish I wasn't allergic to animal hair and dander. Those specific to Dogs & Cats. Most of my friends have animals which is nice, I just wish I could go to their houses and visit them without ending up in a hospital unable to breathe.

Mental:

I suffer from a Food Phobia which holds me back from trying new foods. I hate it, and realize how stupid the fear is but no matter what when someone offers me something I haven't tried before I get nervous and if pushed on trying it I go in to a panic attack. Its so stupid and I hate it but its one of the major things i've been told that keeps anyone from dating me and also keeps people away from me because apparently they think I am holding them back which isn't true. If someone wants to eat something I don't eat I always tell them get whatever you want, I can get something else later. Its not a big deal for me.

I have a mental illness, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Most people don't know what that is, and its really just a fancy term to say that I have bits a pieces of Depression, Mania, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia. It sounds worse than it really is, I regulate myself, I am not on medication and when I start treatment again i'd like to continue treatment without medication. I'd like to continue with Therapy though. Most people when told about my mental state freak out, they don't understand it and think i'm a crazy person and i'm not. I just have some issues like everyone else, no less or more normal than anyone else.

Emotional:

The only think I wish I was more emotionally would be to give less of a shit what other people expect of me. I hate being told where and what I should be doing with myself and lots of people everyday comment on my life like its an open book and they control the outcome.

Thats what I hate about myself. I should say dislike because hate is a very strong word but I really dislike those things and I can't change them. What I need to do is learn to accept those parts of me that I cannot change and love the parts of me I can change. Its easier said than done though, I am glad though i'm in a better state of mine since yesterday so I apologize for anyone who thought I was going to kill myself. I hope this explains things a little better for you. Thank you for reading.

Lie To Me

The one thing I hate more than anything is being lied to and its seems i've been lied to for a very long time by a lot of men. I've been told that Long Distance Dating would never work, no matter if we get to know each other and move in with each other you have denied that our relationship would work. Well its come to my attention that you are all a bunch of liars living in your fantasy world, you don't want me to be in a relationship for whatever reasons you have, maybe its so that my dick is available to you at all times which if it is i'm cutting everyone off now! I haven't been on a real date in almost 5 years and its complete bullshit. The only people who have asked me out, who are people I am not attracted to or people who are a mess and don't want to help themselves. I shouldn't have to settle with any of those choices just to be a relationship. It pisses me off because it leaves me feeling like I am undateable. Makes me trust men even less now because how am I suppose to trust people who just want to sleep with me and not get to know me as a person. I'm really pissed off, and theirs no one to blame but yourselves. You know who you are, you know i've wanted to go on a date with some of you and you denied me and pushed me away but you still wanna sleep with me.

Bearpalooza: The Movie

As my first major project since restarting my freelance video production company "Dustin Studios" again in 2010 for "Bears On The Coast", i've been asked by Bearapalooza creator, musician and front man Freddy Freeman to work on a documentary for their 10th Anniversary. It will be 10 years since they started the LGBT Music Festival back in 2002, and they are looking to do something special for it. I have been given the task of creating a 60 to 90 minute documentary showcasing Bearapalooza from when it started to now. I am very excited about this project and i'm glad to be given the honor of working on this project. This week coming up I will be working on backing up lots of my music and video files to make space for Bearapalooza footage, pictures, music, and articles which will be featured in the film. I also ask anyone that has any of videos, pictures, music, or articles could please contact me so I can use them for the film. It would be greatly appreciated by anyone that could help. I will update my progress of the film on here.

Heart Of Stone

New Years Eve of 2012, everyone is excited watching the television ticking down the seconds to the dropping of the ball. I stand there with Michael V, Mike M, and his boyfriend Anthony. The time comes to an end and we take a sip of our drinks and yell "Happy New Year". Then everyone in the bar but me and Michael gets a kiss from our loved ones. Its nice to see people who have found their significant others and while I watch I also feel sadness because I have not run in to that man yet. At this point I haven't been looking for a man since July of 2011, I just have been keeping to myself and getting to know people as friends. The problem with this is i've been getting messages from lots of guys who want to hook up with me. I tell them i'm not interested and they try to make me sound like i'm weird for not being all over them when they expected it. I shouldn't be expected to do anything for someone I don't know. These people have to learn some manners and grow up is how I personally feel but what do I know? So I go back to the room to lay down and relax because I finally feel uncomfortable after receiving a text about going to P House to hook up and seeing everyone else in the bar and feeling like meat on a stick. I'm laying in bed charging my phone and now my phone is buzzing off the hook with messages from guys at P House who are now horny after New Years and expect me to come over even though I don't own a car and suck them off, fuck them, whatever the hell they think they want. I don't even know your name and you want all this? Apparently names are overrated these days, its better to know the guy you slept with by what he gave you after you slept with but lets stay on track here. So i'm just getting upset because it seems like this is all I ever get from men, and while I do love sex, which I do, I just don't wanna give it out to anyone who comes along. I want to give myself to someone special who has to work for that right. That includes cuddling and kissing which some of my friends don't understand, yes i've flirted with some of you in the past but i've reach and limit in my life and i've matured to a point where I want to keep that between me and whoever comes in to my life. I just want to have friends who are friends, nothing sexual between us, and it seems gay men feel every man they come in to contact with is a sexual conquest or that a friend means we can fuck too and I don't believe in that. I believe friends are people you have a connection with on a mental and emotional level who just see you as a great person to hangout with. I think its because the level of sexual advertising and media always showing us as these sexual deviants who will go anywhere, fuck anywhere, and with anyone that we see it as normal and don't question it. I've come to a point in my life where I do question it because I don't want to give myself to people who don't deserve to have me in that way, and how I just want to save myself for someone who really wants me and not to get off on being with me. I can see many guys don't respect me because of the level of disrespect they give me with their requests during sex. I've been told I should be converted to being Poz so I can join relationships, i've been told I should fuck large groups of guys without protection because its hot, and i've been told by close friends to do drugs that I would never even consider doing because I know how damaging they are. But it seems if I complain about them and i'm open about the problems with those things, I always get people who don't understand me and why i'm complaining. Its like I should be doing that because its normal. Maybe i'm old fashioned or maybe i'm growing up, I don't know, I just see things differently then everyone else does and if you don't agree with me about those things then thats fine but don't make me feel like a freak because i'm not being converted, shot up with drugs, or having large NSA orgies. Those things to be are immature and show the kind of character you have the level of respect you have for yourself and you probably have very little respect for yourself if thats how you treat yourself.

I've decided that I want to just stay away from Scruff, Growlr, Facebook, Bear411 or any other site. I will probably update on Facebook when something new and important happens in my life but other than that I just feel its best for now to get myself to a place where I find some happiness in my own life.

Happy Holidays, Inconvenience, New Music Project

The holidays are among us again, sending cards out tomorrow. I am so far behind on cards, need to send them out tomorrow. Michael took me out Christmas Shopping this past Saturday, got a lot of awesome clothes. On Christmas Eve we will be at Mike's brother's house celebrating and unwrapping our presents. I was brought up Jewish I will also be celebrating Hanukkah, some people will ask why I'm celebrating Christmas then. Since I'm Pagan now, I just celebrate whatever I feel like celebrating.

Its been two weeks and Episode 29 is coming along at a snails pace. Its taking so long to finish this episode that its making me stressed out. I have backed away from all other projects to try and finish this but still its taking a while. It also sucks because I'm working so hard trying to get this out and I've got people calling me and messaging me whenever I'm working on this. I feel bad because I should talk to them but they are taking time away from me to edit. I'd rather call them back when I've gotten some work done but since no one thinks of this as a job they'll give me every excuse in the book why I should talk to them instead of editing. Not for nothing but I treat this show as a job and it takes up most of my time so when I'm editing I'm at work, would you be okay if I texted and called you every few minutes while you were at work? No of course not, so please show me the same respect and don't take it so personally.

Working on a yet untitled project with my friend Paul. Its still in the early stages but we are looking to do some music that is highly experimental and avant-garde. Only two songs have been created for this project so far and the words to describe the music at this point are unsettling, disturbing, and dark. Its very interesting to see what's coming from this project and I'll update more about it soon.