Flat Tire, Opening Track and AI

Yesterday we had to call Triple A because the tire on the back of our car was deflated. We put air in it on Thursday after we drove home from Thanksgiving but it was flat by the time we checked it the next morning. I think we somehow got a nail stuck in the tire, no idea if that happened while we were in town or when we drove down to New Port Richey. We got some new tires at Goodyear near by us, Heather was super helpful.

Started working on what I think is going to end up being the opening track for my next album, the name for the track is going to be "Relapse. Rinse. Repeat.", I want the track to feel like its starting and stopping over and over kind of like relapsing when you start over to get better and then fuck up and use again but in song form. That is how I want the album to open because that is where I have been the last few years, saying I will get sober and then secretly thinking "oh I can do it again and then I will stop" but it never does until you put your foot down and take it seriously. So far the only thing I have is drums and a bass guitar and sequencer bass line but I like it thus far.

We are currently watching "afrAId", I don't hate AI, I believe it should exist but I honestly believe that a lot of people see AI as a way to not use their brains anymore and just do the work for them. Instead of sitting down with a paint brush they write something in to a search box and the AI makes the art for them and they claim THEY made the artwork, not the AI. It pisses me off. Also I see the Human Race just using AI to do jobs they don't want to do and eventually pissing it off, we should know better but we don't. If I ever end up having kids I would want to parent them, I wouldn't want to have a machine do it, no offense to the machine but I want to do the work. I think a lot of parents just give a child an IPad and then let them do whatever, not me. The movie is good so far, if I hate the movie I'll let you know in my next post.

Goodbye Social Media, Getting back on the Horse and Dustin Studios

Hey everyone, its been since August of 2023 but I am back. Lets give some updates on what has been going on, I pretty much quit social media so I don't have Facebook on my phone. I just use Messenger to keep in touch with friends and that's about it. I did this mainly because my stress levels were out of control and all I ever see on social media anymore is just constant negativity and while it makes sense these days now that Trump will be back in office, it was negative before that. Like all I see is people posting about how horrible human beings are being to each other and it just makes me hate everyone and hating the human race is just exhausting. I haven't forgotten but its just better for me not to see how horrible its become, I can't focus on that. I can only control me and my own like, I can't control others so I am not gonna worry about other people, if the human race wants to destroy itself then I will just sit back and eat popcorn but I am gonna have my own peace without that shit.

Besides all of that crap, around my birthday I relapsed after 8 months sober, I pretty much convinced myself that I could maybe use once a year like I used to do and it not being a big deal...well I was fucking wrong. I ended up getting an 8 ball which I have never gotten that much before and I was up for a week and half...ended up in the hospital from extreme dehydration, scared myself and my boyfriend half to death, and now I am just extremely angry at myself. I have just reached 2 months sober and I am STILL angry at myself about it, but I feel like that anger is fueling me, it reminds me of what I did because I don't want to forget. To keep myself in check I have started going to a CMA meeting (Crystal Meth Anon) and even though most times I don't feel like going I do go because I need to, I feel like its helping and I am starting to get in to it. I feel like I've talked to death about me getting sober on here and I keep falling back in to it. I am tired of that repetition and making promises and breaking them so I am not gonna do that now, I am gonna prove it with action, not words that I want to remain sober.

Back in January of 2024 I decided as part of my recovery I needed to give myself something to do, something that drives me and something that I love to do so I started making videos on my YouTube Channel again. I changed the name from Everlasting Zero Productions because it was such a long name, also I felt it was time to just embrace the name I used when I was growing up "Dustin Studios" because mainly its always me making videos, editing them and such so I resurrected it. We started Bears on the Coast and A Word from Dustin back up while also making new shows such as Chicken Chat, Questionable Questions and Burning Down the House with Jacob. I love it and while I need short breaks from it sometimes I do enjoy doing it and it does give me something to do. I didn't feel like I was ready at the time to make new music, and right now it still feels pretty raw for me to make music however since I seriously started recovery again I have been writing lyrics and music and I am happy with what is coming out even if its dark.

So I have said probably a thousand times that I am gonna be posting more on here, this time I plan to actually keep to that. Since I am not using social media I need a place to share about my life and whats going on and I feel like "hey, why not come back on here and do that" so you will see me posting once again on here more regularly. I am looking forward to sharing things and being way more honest because since I've started getting sober I just share whats on my mind and I honestly don't give a fuck. This is how I feel, this is my personal space, if you don't like how I feel then leave. I am not apologizing for myself anymore.

Closure, Trust & Vacation

Its been a few months, I switched from Chrome to Opera and forgot about Blogger since its not on my Speed Dial. Now it is, so lets catch up!

I'm finally reaching some sense of closure with my ex-friends, I used to look at our friendship with joy and in some ways I still look at the good moments that way but I realize now the way they treated me at the end was not good and I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was. I did everything I could to go out of my way for them and I just need to find better people I guess. I've started to revisit The Division 1 and Destiny 1 and while it feels weird because those games gave me so many good memories with them I feel a sense like I can finally let go of those feelings and move on without them.

Despite all of that I have been distancing myself from people, I am just scared of being hurt lately so I kind of just not engage with anyone besides Jacob and Michael. This goes for meeting friends and a potential third for our relationship. Maybe all I need is time to feel comfortable again but right now I just don't trust anyone and these days with how crazy people act trust is hard to find.

Me and Jacob will be flying in a few days to California, we are picking up his stuff in storage and then road tripping back here. I am super excited and I will be filming the experience both for Bears On The Coast and also the music video for Perfect from my latest album "Continue". This is my first trip real vacation and trip with Jacob so I am very excited for that.

3 Months Sober, Return to Guild Wars 2 and Dealing with Self Doubt

About six days ago was my third month being sober, it feels weird honestly. Like I recognize this is how I used to be but its feel strange and I am just not used to it. Its almost overwhelming to be honest, like theirs moments where I can't handle being with me but I push through it or I climb in to bed and just let it ride its course. But I am proud of making to 3 months at this point.

I've started to play Guild Wars 2 again, that was my first MMORPG so it holds a close place in my heart and it feels like going back home, the game still holds up to this day. Its really good, I wish the game could be played with controller. That is my only criticism of the game, now if only I can find some people to play with.

Other than that everything here has been kind of a blur, I've taken some time off from promoting my music because I feel very overwhelmed by the response to it. Also I feel a lot of self doubt about my work so I am just trying to not listen to that. I am gonna try to finish another music video for the album if I can.

This is Fine, I love Roaches crawling on my Crotch...

Been a little while since I updated, got a new computer. My old one finally died so we had to replace her, got a HP Omen 25L which has been working for the most part. Beside the blue screen of death 2 days ago its been working fantastic, I have yet to install any of music software on it and it will probably be some time till I install it. Thinking about getting a laptop just for my music creation at this point so I can take it with me wherever I go and maybe I can do live shows with it being portable. Anyways that will be a ways off.

Last night was the final straw for me, to say I have been stressed out the last few months barely does it justice and the thing I have been stressed about is the amount of Palmetto Bugs we have seen in the apartment. We have seen between one to three a day in the apartment and its just been increasing, and last night it boiled over for me when one crawled up on to the bed, under the blanket and then crawled my leg while I was sleeping. I am extremely scared and phobic of those fucking bugs and this was the last fucking straw for me. Michael says he wants to get someone to come and treat the apartment to keep them out, I think its a bigger problem then that. I honestly believe the apartment building is infested and I wish the people who owned the apartment gave a bigger shit but it seems they don't. They act like the dog in the burning room "This is fine". Its not for me and I refuse to live like this. No one should have to.

So lets hope that gets resolved soon, I need to start promoting Continue again but been unable to do that between the Roach Motel being at full capacity and that stressing me the fuck out and also setting up the new computer.

Skinny Puppy Final Tour in St Pete

Hey everyone, so this past Tuesday I took Jacob to go see Skinny Puppy on their Final Tour. This was the first time he has ever seen them and probably will be the only time he will ever see them since this is gonna be their last tour. This was also the first time I had seen a concert probably since 2015, it had been a very long time. To say I was nervous was an understatement, when we got there I was nervous as hell. I don't do well in social settings because of my general and social anxiety but I do power through it or I would never leave the house at all and I can't just stay locked up inside the house so I push past my own comfort a lot of times so I can get out and do things. We got there and it was a lot of fun, I ended up getting a t-shirt and we found a spot near the stage to stand. Most of the people seems friendly enough so I got comfortable during the show and was moving around more and more and didn't give a fuck about anyone around me. Well Jacob had told me after the show when I leaned in on him that some asshole looked disgusted and tapped his girlfriend to point at us, I am so glad I didn't see this because that would have mentally fucked with me the whole show. I honestly don't get it, most of the Goth community is not homophobic in the slightest, its pretty much anything goes because everyone is already ostracized so everyone lets everyone be themselves. I guess that may not be a thing anymore, which is funny considering that their were straight couples there practically fucking and kissing there and all I did was lean on my boyfriend and hug on him, we didn't even kiss. Also their was a girl there in nothing but fishnets and a thong, no bra so if he can't handle me and my partner being affectionate maybe he shouldn't be there. Maybe he should go to preschool and learn how to deal with people again. Skinny Puppy was amazing live as always, the setlist was good too featuring some of my favorites like:

1. Human Disease
2. Hardset Head
3. Pedafly
4. The Choke
5. Assimilate

It was very well done and I am gonna seriously miss Skinny Puppy releasing new music and touring but I completely understand why they are doing it.

Continue?

 My sixth album "Continue" was released on Friday. I am absolutely floored by the response and amount of people listening to my music. 37 Listeners on Spotify alone may not sound like a lot but hey its something to me. I am really happy to see people resonating with "Perfect" as well as "Love Is A Sickness" which are the two top tracks being listened to the most off of the newest album.

When I started to work on Continue I wasn't sure I could make music anymore or even write or sing, and the thought of working on an album of all original music kind of scared me so I decided to take a bunch of songs I have that I never released and just finish vocals and work on adding to what I already had. The results that came out of that I am very pleased with and it really has helped to boost my confidence in my work. Also when I named the album "Continue" it was a question to myself, do I want to continue to make music? Right now, I want to say yes but I am also building my confidence back up while getting sober so we will see how the future unfolds.

I plan to do a few videos over the course of the year for the album to help promote the album. I am not comfortable performing live, never have been with my social and general anxiety however I would like to confront those fears one day. But until then I may work on doing a live stream performance down the road. In the meantime, I will also be working on re-releasing Kaleidoscope for the 10th Anniversary which is this year. I have talked to a couple of people already who want to do remixes for the album. I also need to get a few songs done but I have time to think about that.

This week has been hard, been having panic attacks happening to me almost every other hour and felt like I was going crazy. I guess thats just part of getting sober from Meth. Glad to be off of that shit, doesn't mean I don't crave it sometimes but I at least feel like I am at a point where I can say no now which is great. Keeping myself distracted is really helping so I am gonna probably continue to do that. Staying productive.