Just For Today

As of next Monday, I will be 13 weeks Sober. This is the most time I have spent being sober in over six years and its really foreign to me, part of me feels like myself but then I have a lot of moments in between where I just lose all my confidence, all of my hope, and it feels like I am gonna break. I am suppose to take it easy on myself yet I keep finding that the silence is deafening to me, I am used to working on music, playing video games or making videos to channel how I am feeling but every time I try to do that now I completely lose confidence in what I am saying and feeling and I just want to disappear. Not disappear in a die sort of way, I mean like I am lesser than anyone else and I know that isn't true and it just overwhelms me. I feel it coming over me as I write this blog post, I am not sure of myself and I am scared that everything I am doing is wrong. Obviously that can't be true because I am still sober so that has to count for something I guess. Despite how lost I feel inside I am glad I haven't given in to cravings I have had or the depression or overwhelming thoughts that I just want to numb myself and feel better. I know its not better, I know its not normal. THIS is normal and I have to get used to that. I guess it just takes time, the problem for me is patience to which I don't have much of. I am doing my best though and that should be good enough. I realize that its probably for the best that I don't write music because honestly I am going in every direction right now, I am an emotional mess and while it may seem like I am holding it together to people online, I am just doing my best to get through each day. Trying to focus on "just try to get through the next hour" and "just get through today." I used to believe that 12 Step shit was bullshit until I actually realize how much importance "One day at a time" means to me, that is literally how I am getting through these days right now. This is uncharted territory for me now, getting past 3 months has been a mountain for me, I am happy I am finally gonna get past it but also scared because I have no idea what lies forward and I don't want to focus on my future much right now because I honestly can't handle it yet. All I know is that I want to live, I want to stay alive, I want to one day return to music and I want to do some things I haven't done yet. I have a chance to do that now, but first thing first, just for today, one day at a time.

Void Of Axis: The First Era 07>17

Its been 10 years since I started Void Of Axis, I didn't even realize it till a week ago. I can't believe I have been on this journey for that long, seems just like yesterday I found that old dusty Macbook Pro in my small Upper Westside Apartment that I had nothing to do in and so started to write music to pass the time. I never knew it would become something so important and would ultimately help me heal and keep me alive everyday. But it has, I looked back on all of the music I have created over the years, all telling a story, all showing me as a person evolving and growing and learning and taking a personal journey and sharing it with the world, opening my heart and wearing it on my sleeve. I decided yesterday why not release a collection of all the singles together on one package together and so I did that. It was fun to hear just how far I have come and see how my music and tone has evolved over the years, now I wonder if I will be doing this in another 10 years. I certainly hope I am still making music until my life ends, its how I see myself living. Its my job, my career to me and I've dedicated my life to it. I can't see it any other way and I hope more and more people will join me for this journey I am taking.

Check out The First Era 07>17, click here...

The Point Of It All - Music & Message

In 2014 I did a show at Oz Campground, its one of the few live performances I have done but at this particular performance a belligerent drunk yelled out towards the end of my set "Sing something happy". I have spent years being told by almost everyone that my music is too dark, depressing, and so on and so forth. The thing is, I feel comfortable writing from a place of melancholy, its easier to write from experience then from a place that is not where I am at. So I write whatever I am going through and take the negative energy of the situation and turn it in to music hoping to inspire a reaction in others. Whether that be feeling sad, angry, or better because they don't feel so alone that is up to the listener. I'd rather write music from a place thats real to me rather then try to write something happy because it sounds good. It wouldn't be authentic since thats not where my head is at, I have written songs like "Stars", "Eternal Love", and "I'm Not A DJ" which are upbeat songs and authentic because I was happy when I wrote them. Also I am not like most artists, I choose to write about things that are on the darker side of life just because that is where I have been most of my life and I think I have a very good understanding of it. I would rather do what my heart tells me to and this is what my heart wants me to do, I wish more people would understand that. Its almost like they get extremely offended that I am trying to "harsh their mellow" when in fact I want to connect with someone who is going through some rough patches themselves or has been through it already and remembers it and can reflect on it. That is what my music is about, its about making people think, questioning existence and trying to find a way to live regardless of all the pain we are put through. That is why I spent the last two years working on evolving my sound, when I first started music I wanted to do something very much like Trent Reznor, but as time went on people came in to my life and influenced the style of my music so it became lighter musically but darker lyrically. A sort of ying and yang which I very much believe in through out my music, but I feel it confused people hearing bright happy synthpop music with dark lyrics. I'm hoping the change in style to a more industrial rock sound which I wanted to do since 2009 will finally convey the message clearly. Sadly I have a huge issue when it comes to marketing myself, I don't know how to do it correctly and thats why I basically have no audience. Pushing myself to continue to post everyday links to the music, specifically the new EP since its the evolution of my sound to both dark sound and lyrics. Not sure why anyone would compare me to Britney Spears or Ke$ha when clearly my influences are Nine Inch Nails and Gary Numan if they actually took the time to hear the sound I am going for. Maybe its me, or maybe its the state of the music industry, either way i'll continue to share my music and hope my message will someday resonate with someone.

Restlessness & Getting Back to Work

Been very tired today, not really sure whats going on with my body. I've been avoiding everyone on Facebook, just needing space and I don't think anyone understands where I am in my mind. I am not happy with how I look and unless I get surgery to fix the problem I am just having to live with it. Anyways I slept for most of the day but did manage to upload the new EP to Soundcloud for streaming. Been thinking about what I want to do with this EP and the new album once its finished in a few months. I have been throwing around music video concepts for almost all of the tracks on the EP which is something I don't usually do. But since "Remnants" the album this is all from is to be my most personal and dark record because of this dark and difficult period of my life I kind of want to showcase where I have been for the last 2 years and really try to get the feeling visualized. Right now "Mare" and "Never Meant For Me" stand out visually and I will probably work on videos for both in the coming weeks. I hope more people check out my new EP, so far no one has purchased it and its been out for over a week. I am going to give it some more time and hope maybe the videos will help. I will leave the streamable music down below, please listen and enjoy the new sound for Void Of Axis for the time being.

I am Fine*

Theirs nothing worse than waking up almost every day since starting recovery and having no idea who you are, what you like to do, what you enjoy and what you want to do with your life. I am completely baffled by everything and unable to think about any of it. I am suppose to believe that over time things will get better, its hard to believe in anything when I am constantly belittled to be more "positive" and be more upbeat. I don't think anyone should tell me how to feel especially since they have no idea what its like to be numb for 2 years just to feel normal. I am just seriously at a breaking point I feel with people who want me to feel a certain way but won't take the time out of their own lives to even know what the fuck is going on with me. You can't tell someone to be a certain way if you have no idea what the fuck is even going on in their lives. Sorry it doesn't work that way and I feel so damaged because of years of being told that shit that I can't deal with it anymore. Right now the only thing I want to do is stay alive, that is my priority and that's the only thing I am certain of until I am able to think better due to the damage I have done to my mind over years and years of drug abuse. If staying alive and regaining a life for myself is not positive enough for you then you should leave. I have nothing for you and won't push myself to make you happy at the expense of my own health.

What remains here and now...

Since starting recovery I have been unable to discover who I really am. I've been keeping myself busy working on music and getting my feelings out through that, I release last Friday a new Extended Play (EP) of music, very different from what I did prior just showing how different my art has become but also how different of a person I have become. As usual I am struggling to get anyone to listen to it, it almost seems like no one wants to listen to my music period and I am unsure of what I can do to change this. It just hurts knowing something you've been struggling to do especially after a very hard time in your life and still no one seems to care. Maybe thats why I turned to drugs because of years of no one giving a shit I finally stopping giving a shit too. I don't want to go back to that though, I want to remain in the here and now and keep getting better. Also if people don't want to take my art seriously thats all on them, I need to do this for me more than I need validation of my own existence. I am alive, that should be validation enough.

New EP can be found here:
https://voidofaxis.bandcamp.com/album/oblivion-ep

Facing The Truth

Its very hard for me to admit this but I'd rather do this now while it still hurts rather than take another chance that I will slip and end up back here again.

I am a Meth Addict, I am ashamed to admit this though. I feel like I've let everyone down and I've even let myself down. I spent the evening wanting to cry and freak out but unable to because of heart palpitations. It feels like nothing I do to distract myself from facing the truth works, I still end up using the drug and its taking a toll on me. Its clear that I can't do this on my own, but I need to stop. If I don't end it I fear what will happen to me because of how shit my health has been of late. Its been very hard to write this and I've attempted to many times but I always stopped myself. I am in denial and I can't face reality and I need to. I need to accept it, if I ignore it the outcome will be fatal.