New Years Eve of 2012, everyone is excited watching the television ticking down the seconds to the dropping of the ball. I stand there with Michael V, Mike M, and his boyfriend Anthony. The time comes to an end and we take a sip of our drinks and yell "Happy New Year". Then everyone in the bar but me and Michael gets a kiss from our loved ones. Its nice to see people who have found their significant others and while I watch I also feel sadness because I have not run in to that man yet. At this point I haven't been looking for a man since July of 2011, I just have been keeping to myself and getting to know people as friends. The problem with this is i've been getting messages from lots of guys who want to hook up with me. I tell them i'm not interested and they try to make me sound like i'm weird for not being all over them when they expected it. I shouldn't be expected to do anything for someone I don't know. These people have to learn some manners and grow up is how I personally feel but what do I know? So I go back to the room to lay down and relax because I finally feel uncomfortable after receiving a text about going to P House to hook up and seeing everyone else in the bar and feeling like meat on a stick. I'm laying in bed charging my phone and now my phone is buzzing off the hook with messages from guys at P House who are now horny after New Years and expect me to come over even though I don't own a car and suck them off, fuck them, whatever the hell they think they want. I don't even know your name and you want all this? Apparently names are overrated these days, its better to know the guy you slept with by what he gave you after you slept with but lets stay on track here. So i'm just getting upset because it seems like this is all I ever get from men, and while I do love sex, which I do, I just don't wanna give it out to anyone who comes along. I want to give myself to someone special who has to work for that right. That includes cuddling and kissing which some of my friends don't understand, yes i've flirted with some of you in the past but i've reach and limit in my life and i've matured to a point where I want to keep that between me and whoever comes in to my life. I just want to have friends who are friends, nothing sexual between us, and it seems gay men feel every man they come in to contact with is a sexual conquest or that a friend means we can fuck too and I don't believe in that. I believe friends are people you have a connection with on a mental and emotional level who just see you as a great person to hangout with. I think its because the level of sexual advertising and media always showing us as these sexual deviants who will go anywhere, fuck anywhere, and with anyone that we see it as normal and don't question it. I've come to a point in my life where I do question it because I don't want to give myself to people who don't deserve to have me in that way, and how I just want to save myself for someone who really wants me and not to get off on being with me. I can see many guys don't respect me because of the level of disrespect they give me with their requests during sex. I've been told I should be converted to being Poz so I can join relationships, i've been told I should fuck large groups of guys without protection because its hot, and i've been told by close friends to do drugs that I would never even consider doing because I know how damaging they are. But it seems if I complain about them and i'm open about the problems with those things, I always get people who don't understand me and why i'm complaining. Its like I should be doing that because its normal. Maybe i'm old fashioned or maybe i'm growing up, I don't know, I just see things differently then everyone else does and if you don't agree with me about those things then thats fine but don't make me feel like a freak because i'm not being converted, shot up with drugs, or having large NSA orgies. Those things to be are immature and show the kind of character you have the level of respect you have for yourself and you probably have very little respect for yourself if thats how you treat yourself.
I've decided that I want to just stay away from Scruff, Growlr, Facebook, Bear411 or any other site. I will probably update on Facebook when something new and important happens in my life but other than that I just feel its best for now to get myself to a place where I find some happiness in my own life.
