Version Of The Truth

A lot has happened lately, more bad then good because it regards how I treat others and how little faith they have in me. Apparently I go out of my way to make people feel like crap and say things about them that simply aren't true. This is not the case and if the accusers had talked to me face to face about this issue we would have resolved it in a mature manner. But instead they went around to everyone that would listen and was bad mouthing me. How is this any different than what you accused me of? What upsets me more than the accusations is how everyone I thought was my friend was quick to take your side and listen to one story. Why is it that when people feel they need to talk or get something off their chest they come to me but when someone says something about me no one considers to talk to me, they assume its the truth and then to everyone I am the bad person and I'm not even allowed to discuss my side of the story. Its like anything I say can be turned in to a weapon and all my words cause are discord. I have to deal with people telling me I'm not mature, well at least I am mature enough to want to sit down and talk out the situation then threaten people and name call people. That doesn't help and its very disrespectful. I hope over time this pain I feel now will disappear, and we can all work this out.

A Moth To A Flame

Am I like a Moth to a Flame? Why do I keep coming back to something that keeps hurting me? I ask myself these questions after a weekend at a local Bear event. Since I moved to New York City a couple of years ago I considered myself part of the Bear Community, a community of men who are larger or hairier or just admire that type of look. Originally the community was created for people who didn't fit in to a particular stereotype and wanted a safe place to feel accepted. That meaning has all but dissolved from what I've seen. I feel I don't fit the particular standard of what the community asks for. I am not large enough, I am certainly not hairy enough, I don't drink to the point of being loose in all the wrong ways, I am not super butch. Seems I have all the odds against me and I just wonder why I even try anymore. I just want people to like me for who I am and if I can't get it from some over sized fan club gone bad then whatever. I'm tired of being at parties and feeling like a shadow that no one sees until I'm in their way. I'm tired of labeling myself for the benefit of others just so they can tear me apart later about how I'm "not like them". I don't want to fight in a popularity contest I didn't enter. I just want to have a great time with some like minded people who don't want to cause drama. And I'd like to just point out that I know its not everyone in the community who is responsible but you don't seem to be doing anything about the state of those issues so I guess things just won't change. That is fine with me because I don't consider myself part of that community anymore, I've tried and tried to be open and accepting of it but I'm tired of being nice and instead of going down to their level and making myself look bad, I just choose just not be involved with bad company. I'd rather be in the company of people I can trust and relate to, who won't say things about me behind my back, who will disregard my feelings and take advantage of my boyfriend, and who will be there for me no matter what happens. I'm not sure how this is going to affect other things in my life, I am not sure if I am keeping the current name of our show "Bears On The Coast" as it is since I no longer associate with it. We will see what happens.