Its been a while since I've done this, not sure why I stopped. I probably got distracted, got lost in my thoughts, got lost in my head. Anyways, my therapist believes I should try journaling and I'd rather Blog so here we are again.
I have a boyfriend now, Jacob. We started talking back in November of 2020 and we started dating on January 15th, 2021. He's been amazing, truly someone I can see spending the rest of my life with. I think its funny how long it took for me to actually get a boyfriend. 11 years, wish I had met him sooner.
I had the weirdest dream last night, I was back in Highschool and I was around all the people who bullied me for a majority of my childhood. I kept thinking the whole time I was in the dream "who's gonna say something, who's gonna come at me" so I felt on edge the whole time. I haven't ever dreamed about my childhood to be honest probably since back in 2007. I've blocked it out of my mind but maybe the reason its coming up now is because I've started to take the album "Remnants" and remaster and rework it for an official release. I looked up what it could mean, clearly its a stress/anxiety dream but also more interesting is it is probably a dream about unresolved childhood issues. To this day I believe I am always on guard because of being picked on in school and thats probably why I am so guarded. I just don't trust people.
Also in the dream when they did start picking on me and it got to be too much I grabbed a screwdriver from somewhere and stabbed the kid that was picking on me. Everyone screamed and freaked out and I said "this is what happens when you push someone too far". I would never do that in real life but it was kind of scary that I would have to resort to that extreme. I never want to resort to violence.
I'm still having struggles with staying sober from Meth, I had relapsed before a family trip back at the end of May and that was mainly because of the stress of quarantine was finally getting to me. On my birthday last month though I offered a friend a place to stay because he got released from the psych ward and was feeling vulnerable and I wanted to be a good friend and give them a place to stay and also just be there for them. They came over and everything was fine until my boyfriend fell asleep and I went to go check on them and I found them shooting up in Michael's bedroom. I was distraught and wanted to go wake up Jacob immediately. They told me if I kept it between us that they would give me some, I said no and went to go wake up Jacob but I stopped myself and rationalized it instead as "oh its my birthday I can do whatever I want" and I relapsed then so I am currently at 17 days sober so while its a set back I also realize what I did wrong and that I need to keep people who do Meth far far away from me. I can't have that around me at all.
I think that is everything for now. I am gonna try to make a better effort to start doing this again. Its kind of crazy that my blog from all those years ago is still here. I would like to continue this and I hope it helps me. Until next time!
