Hurt

I've been hurt so many times that I've become defensive with anyone who I talk to. Its a nasty habit that's developed from the bad experiences I've had with being naive and giving people too much control. It hurts that I've come to this, and now I feel terrible because its made me attack people who weren't doing anything to Me. This is something I have to work on, I am just scared of being hurt and its trapped me in this state of fear. I'm tired of these sleepless nights feeling like everyone hates me. I know that isn't true because I have friends who are there. But something inside me tells me I'm worthless and stupid. I want to lose these thoughts, I want to stop feeling like I'm not doing anything with my life, I want to stop giving a shit about other peoples views of me, and I want to feel like for once that I'm a good person and not a bad one. I am way too tired of these emotions and thoughts, I need to help myself now and try to get better.

Just a Quiet Day

Last night I fell asleep on the sofa after talking to a friend from Canada. Woke up around 5am and went to bed. Woke up around noon, worked on editing Episode 28 of BOTC. We are getting closer to the end. Just one more episode and Season 2 will be over. The new episode is of my 24th birthday which occurred this past September. I'm hoping theirs enough footage to make it a two part so we don't have to do more filming. Other than the editing today it was a pretty quiet day. Worked on some designs for my next album and trying to pick a single to promote the album. I also ordered a microphone so I should have it by Thursday. I look forward to doing vocals, I'm so used to singing these tracks by now that I have them memorized. I am hoping this album sells better, its more rough and raw then my first album. I've been told by friends who were lucky enough to hear it that this is definitely some of my best work which is always nice to hear. I just hope others say the same of it.

Misunderstandings And Dark Days

Lately things have been hard on me, I am going through a tough time in my life because I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing. I've searched for a job here for over 11 months with no success. I am just lost as to what I should do now. I love living in Florida, and I love living with Michael. I'm just tired of being home all the time. I'm also tired of being told I'm lazy and living off Michael. Michael wants me here and he doesn't mind that I don't have a job. Not that its a valid reason for me not to work. I want to work, really badly but theirs just nothing around. So because of this I guess I've been perceived as lazy or not mature in some way. I've also been seen this way because of my humor which has been observed as "crude" and "rude". Michael and me share the same humor and he understands it so why is my comments considered that and not his? I'll tell you why, because those people just don't understand me and see me as a easy target to take their issues out on. Its like high-school, the bully is always gonna go after the weaker, less fortunate person because it makes themselves feel better about their own problems. I am trying to not post anymore of personal thoughts of how stupid and fucked up some people are on Facebook as people take shit to personally on their and it seems theirs a lack of people who can take a joke these days. I'd also like to point out that people take how I act on Bears On The Coast seriously, if you have seen our live streams you will notice I am more quiet and reserved then running out and laughing and being silly. Yes, I have those moments and anyone with a sense of humor would understand I'm just having fun but instead it comes off as an attack. I state many times that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and that is never my intention. So why does it seem people disregard my words and just come to their own personal conclusion? People are very quick to judge these days and that's something I think is wrong. That's how drama occurs because people assume something based on something they heard or saw and instantly that becomes all they are and that's terrible. I like to live in a better place where everyone is accepted no matter their differences. I don't want to put anyone down and when you see me doing that on the show its either a joke or its based on me being disrespected. I make comments about others yes and I know I shouldn't. Sometimes it happens, I am human, I get angry like everyone else. I don't enjoy being held accountable for every action I make and so I really think its best I reserve my personal feelings for here as opposed to Facebook. At least on here its a personal journal and Facebook "isn't suppose to be serious" so I will treat it as such.