Monday, May 7, 2012

Waste

Yesterday I woke up, got showered and dressed and then sat back down on the bed but this time with a lingering feeling in the back of my mind. Slowly creeping up on me, I tried to submerge these emotions within myself but it was too late, it come out of me. "I hate myself" is what I said. "I hate how I look, I hate how I act, I hate how I am." Left with this feeling of disgust for myself I was angry and upset that I allowed myself to feel this way about myself but was I lying? No I wasn't, and the sad truth is that i've been hiding some of my feelings because I don't want to disappoint people. I want to be a positive influence to those who are struggling in their lives, and because of this too I felt worse. I had failed them and myself, I was upset and wrote on Facebook "I'm a waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of energy. The world would be better off without me."

I remember at that moment I truly felt that way but I didn't mean it in the way of suicide. I've always felt disappearing and running off to a place alone would do everyone good. Sometimes I feel like a time bomb around others as something bad is about to happen and its caused by my presence there. I'm just bad luck.

So as I said before I am not happy with myself and unfortunately a lot of what i'm not happy with is stuff I cannot change, its who I am. Sometimes I am content with who I am and enjoy it but other times like yesterday I truly hate myself. Let me explain what exactly I dislike about myself.

Physical:

I feel i'm pretty big now, almost 220 pounds and I can feel it. For my height that is pretty big, i've been told i'm not big enough so I feel I need to stick to this weight otherwise no one will like me. Another part of me would like to go down to between 170-180 and work out and turn some of this in to muscle but not become a muscle bear.

I'm balding so I can't do anything with my hair, only shave it down short or shave it all off. I wish I had more body hair but that's genetics and I can't fix that. I also wish my facial hair would grow in thicker, mine is very patchy and grows in thin and patchy all over my face. It also grows in wildly so brushing it is a must just to get it to calm down a bit.

I wish I wasn't allergic to animal hair and dander. Those specific to Dogs & Cats. Most of my friends have animals which is nice, I just wish I could go to their houses and visit them without ending up in a hospital unable to breathe.

Mental:

I suffer from a Food Phobia which holds me back from trying new foods. I hate it, and realize how stupid the fear is but no matter what when someone offers me something I haven't tried before I get nervous and if pushed on trying it I go in to a panic attack. Its so stupid and I hate it but its one of the major things i've been told that keeps anyone from dating me and also keeps people away from me because apparently they think I am holding them back which isn't true. If someone wants to eat something I don't eat I always tell them get whatever you want, I can get something else later. Its not a big deal for me.

I have a mental illness, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Most people don't know what that is, and its really just a fancy term to say that I have bits a pieces of Depression, Mania, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia. It sounds worse than it really is, I regulate myself, I am not on medication and when I start treatment again i'd like to continue treatment without medication. I'd like to continue with Therapy though. Most people when told about my mental state freak out, they don't understand it and think i'm a crazy person and i'm not. I just have some issues like everyone else, no less or more normal than anyone else.

Emotional:

The only think I wish I was more emotionally would be to give less of a shit what other people expect of me. I hate being told where and what I should be doing with myself and lots of people everyday comment on my life like its an open book and they control the outcome.

Thats what I hate about myself. I should say dislike because hate is a very strong word but I really dislike those things and I can't change them. What I need to do is learn to accept those parts of me that I cannot change and love the parts of me I can change. Its easier said than done though, I am glad though i'm in a better state of mine since yesterday so I apologize for anyone who thought I was going to kill myself. I hope this explains things a little better for you. Thank you for reading.