Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Happy Holidays, Inconvenience, New Music Project

The holidays are among us again, sending cards out tomorrow. I am so far behind on cards, need to send them out tomorrow. Michael took me out Christmas Shopping this past Saturday, got a lot of awesome clothes. On Christmas Eve we will be at Mike's brother's house celebrating and unwrapping our presents. I was brought up Jewish I will also be celebrating Hanukkah, some people will ask why I'm celebrating Christmas then. Since I'm Pagan now, I just celebrate whatever I feel like celebrating.

Its been two weeks and Episode 29 is coming along at a snails pace. Its taking so long to finish this episode that its making me stressed out. I have backed away from all other projects to try and finish this but still its taking a while. It also sucks because I'm working so hard trying to get this out and I've got people calling me and messaging me whenever I'm working on this. I feel bad because I should talk to them but they are taking time away from me to edit. I'd rather call them back when I've gotten some work done but since no one thinks of this as a job they'll give me every excuse in the book why I should talk to them instead of editing. Not for nothing but I treat this show as a job and it takes up most of my time so when I'm editing I'm at work, would you be okay if I texted and called you every few minutes while you were at work? No of course not, so please show me the same respect and don't take it so personally.

Working on a yet untitled project with my friend Paul. Its still in the early stages but we are looking to do some music that is highly experimental and avant-garde. Only two songs have been created for this project so far and the words to describe the music at this point are unsettling, disturbing, and dark. Its very interesting to see what's coming from this project and I'll update more about it soon.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Strained Relationships and the Show that needs to End.

Went to bed around 9PM tonight but woke up around 2AM. Have thoughts racing through my head. Some are about my remaining work on the show, some are about signing up for a specific job and some of my insecurities and fears about if I get the job, and other thoughts are about just feeling unhappy with where I am as far finding work, having no health insurance or income and taking my frustration out on others. I'm going to discuss these in order now.

Lets start with the current work load left of Bears On The Coast. A lot of people have misinterpreted that The Sim Edition of BOTC would be the finale. Its not and the current state of that is that it will either be in the bonus season or be something else entirely. The last episode though is a "Best Of", a look back on some of the moments that make our show special for us and for our fans. It will feature the best of serious moments, funniest moments, memorable moments, Banjo moments and Friend moments. We are looking back on the series as a whole so I've been having to review 28 episodes looking for pieces to use. Because I am doing this its been taking longer than usual but I estimate it will be out sometime before Christmas.

Now that brings me to my job situation. A friend of mine referred me to this company he works for a week ago. I have yet to put in an application and this is because:

1. I still have to finish editing this final episode of the show. I really want to finish this before I apply so I don't fall behind on the show which is closing after this episode anyways.

2. Its been a while since I've had a job. My last job was in New York almost two years ago working for Law Firms. I kinda feel out of practice even though I know I could definitely do this job.

3. I am nervous since I'd be working from home that Michael might come home and be loud or try to disrupt me from my work and it my annoy the customer I'm working with and jepordize the job. This is something I have to work with Michael and if we need to move me in to another room when I'm working then so be it.

So these are my main concerns with the job right now. I know its normal to be nervous about these things and I'm sure once BOTC is done I will be able to think clearly and devote myself 100% to working.

This leads me to the last things with touches on me working on the show and not having work right now. Bears On The Coast, while it is fun and showcases my creativity has strained my relationship with Michael and some of my friends. I am editing this show from the time I wake up till almost Midnight almost everyday. I've been working this way for almost the whole run of the show.  I am worn out and I need to take a break from it because while I admit I can be a walking studio that can get the whole project done, a year straight of this is not healthy and hasn't helped me in any way find work that I'll actually get paid for. I am frustrated because I have so little time to focus on finding work and studying for my Drivers License because all I have time for is working on the show. That's why it needs to end for a while and I need to focus on my life and work on the things that are really important. Not to say BOTC isn't important, it is, but it doesn't pay the bills, it doesn't provide me income, and it doesn't give me health insurance which I desperately need. I understand its important to Michael and our fans but I didn't come down here to work on a underground show which I spend ridiculous hours to work on only to get very little out of it. I want to continue the show but one my own free time after I get things to where I want them to be and heal the gaps I've created from this show due to my crazy work schedule.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Hurt

I've been hurt so many times that I've become defensive with anyone who I talk to. Its a nasty habit that's developed from the bad experiences I've had with being naive and giving people too much control. It hurts that I've come to this, and now I feel terrible because its made me attack people who weren't doing anything to Me. This is something I have to work on, I am just scared of being hurt and its trapped me in this state of fear. I'm tired of these sleepless nights feeling like everyone hates me. I know that isn't true because I have friends who are there. But something inside me tells me I'm worthless and stupid. I want to lose these thoughts, I want to stop feeling like I'm not doing anything with my life, I want to stop giving a shit about other peoples views of me, and I want to feel like for once that I'm a good person and not a bad one. I am way too tired of these emotions and thoughts, I need to help myself now and try to get better.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Just a Quiet Day

Last night I fell asleep on the sofa after talking to a friend from Canada. Woke up around 5am and went to bed. Woke up around noon, worked on editing Episode 28 of BOTC. We are getting closer to the end. Just one more episode and Season 2 will be over. The new episode is of my 24th birthday which occurred this past September. I'm hoping theirs enough footage to make it a two part so we don't have to do more filming. Other than the editing today it was a pretty quiet day. Worked on some designs for my next album and trying to pick a single to promote the album. I also ordered a microphone so I should have it by Thursday. I look forward to doing vocals, I'm so used to singing these tracks by now that I have them memorized. I am hoping this album sells better, its more rough and raw then my first album. I've been told by friends who were lucky enough to hear it that this is definitely some of my best work which is always nice to hear. I just hope others say the same of it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Misunderstandings And Dark Days

Lately things have been hard on me, I am going through a tough time in my life because I'm trying to figure out what I should be doing. I've searched for a job here for over 11 months with no success. I am just lost as to what I should do now. I love living in Florida, and I love living with Michael. I'm just tired of being home all the time. I'm also tired of being told I'm lazy and living off Michael. Michael wants me here and he doesn't mind that I don't have a job. Not that its a valid reason for me not to work. I want to work, really badly but theirs just nothing around. So because of this I guess I've been perceived as lazy or not mature in some way. I've also been seen this way because of my humor which has been observed as "crude" and "rude". Michael and me share the same humor and he understands it so why is my comments considered that and not his? I'll tell you why, because those people just don't understand me and see me as a easy target to take their issues out on. Its like high-school, the bully is always gonna go after the weaker, less fortunate person because it makes themselves feel better about their own problems. I am trying to not post anymore of personal thoughts of how stupid and fucked up some people are on Facebook as people take shit to personally on their and it seems theirs a lack of people who can take a joke these days. I'd also like to point out that people take how I act on Bears On The Coast seriously, if you have seen our live streams you will notice I am more quiet and reserved then running out and laughing and being silly. Yes, I have those moments and anyone with a sense of humor would understand I'm just having fun but instead it comes off as an attack. I state many times that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and that is never my intention. So why does it seem people disregard my words and just come to their own personal conclusion? People are very quick to judge these days and that's something I think is wrong. That's how drama occurs because people assume something based on something they heard or saw and instantly that becomes all they are and that's terrible. I like to live in a better place where everyone is accepted no matter their differences. I don't want to put anyone down and when you see me doing that on the show its either a joke or its based on me being disrespected. I make comments about others yes and I know I shouldn't. Sometimes it happens, I am human, I get angry like everyone else. I don't enjoy being held accountable for every action I make and so I really think its best I reserve my personal feelings for here as opposed to Facebook. At least on here its a personal journal and Facebook "isn't suppose to be serious" so I will treat it as such.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Meat Market, Weekend, Honoring Creativity

Been a while since I did a blog entry, a lot has happened. Last weekend I was in Orlando with Michael for Bear Bust and Bear Weekend Orlando. We were with our friends Mike, Anthony, Robert, Richard, Arni, and Jorge. It was an okay event. While I was there though I feel I came to a revelation about myself. I feel we all or some of us come to a point in our lives where we get tired of the random encounters and no strings attached hook ups. I've hit my limit and honestly when your young its told to us that this is normal. I'm still being told I should be doing it but I can't. The thought of sleeping with someone solely based on their looks physically makes me sick. I was being hit on most of that weekend by guys who were drunk and I didn't know them, not even their name. Maybe I've just gotten past that point in my life. This by no means says I'm opposed to FWB, I'd prefer to be friends and hangout. I'd even be open to dating if anyone was interested. Other than feeling like I was at a meat market I had a pretty good time.

This weekend we are going to Orlando and Tampa. Tomorrow were going to Orlando for the evening to visit a friend of mine, our first time meeting, I'm very excited. And then we will head to Tampa to spend time with Andrew. Tom is away for the weekend so it will just be me, Michael, & Andrew. Should be a nice quiet weekend.

Been working on some new tunes, found out how to use some new synthesis in FL Studio. I've been honoring my creativity but staying away from giving these songs names and purpose. I already have five albums on the back burner for release. If I ever do plan to release them it will be after I've released a great deal of my older stuff first.

Friday, September 23, 2011

24 Reflections

Laying in bed, the day before our big trip to Orlando for my 24th Birthday thinking. I guess its time for a reflection of the past year.
So this time last year I was sitting at a table of people who were considering or had already turned there back on me. In this bar in Kalamazoo, Michigan, I was pretending things were okay and hiding behind smiles, its was hard, living with someone you grew close to in two years time and then after almost a week of time together in person it was over and all that was left was a bitter taste that we both suffered with. How can someone who came off so sweet turn out to be so rude and harsh? I wonder if I did something wrong, but I can't worry about such things now. It was a rough period of my life, it was sort of the limbo of Dante's Inferno but it was a limbo of my own making. All because of my inexperience and a bad choice, but i've learned since then and id theirs anything i've learned its that life is a growing process and we are constantly learning from our experiences.
A breaking point was hit in Michigan, and I reached out to anyone that would listen, even if most of the people I was close with weren't there to listen. Somewhere in all of that cold emptiness I felt inside of me, part of me knew I needed to do something. Thats when I met my now current roommate and one of my closest and best friends, Michael Varvel. Meeting him and moving down here is one of the best decisions i've made, if I never made it, i'd be scared to think of where i'd be today.
Since moving down here, Michael has made it more than welcoming for me. I've met lots of people and friends and shared my creativity and personal life with people when me and he started Bears On The Coast. Its been quite a change, but a good one, i'm glad to be having a birthday this year with people who care about me and I care about them. My friends are like my family and keep me strong, I thank them all for sticking with me.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Dustin's 24th Birthday & Drunken Straight Boys


My 24th Birthday is coming up, we are going down to Orlando for the weekend. So far the current plan is to go down on Friday, pick up James from Orlando Airport, and then get unpacked for the evening. Saturday, we wake up early, go to Disney till early afternoon, then come back and relax before dinner at Hamburger Mary's that evening, and possibly going to P House afterwards. Then on Sunday, wake up early and go to either Disney or Universal, then hang at the hotel and go to dinner at Stevi B's and then P House. Monday we will be packing and getting ready to leave, we will have lunch with James and drop him off at the airport around the afternoon and then head back up to Gainesville. Its a very long list of stuff but its all stuff I hope to do. I am looking forward to seeing a lot of my friends. Glad to be getting out of the house and doing someone fun.

So its almost 3am here and Michael was woken up by the sound of a very loud drum set which was being played above our heads. It was like a rock concert was going on and we even had the sound of an audience of drunken guys and girls. We got dressed and went out to the lobby where Michael went upstairs to find not only was the tenant above us awake but the tenant upstairs on the other side was hanging out with them as well. So Michael asks them "Can you please keep it down, its two in the morning and were trying to get some sleep?". Silence, thats all I heard for almost a minute and then "The way you put it sounds like a reasonable request." and then we went back inside. Ten minutes later, the drums are back and Michael is on the phone with the police, the arrive, watch the house for three minutes and then leave... Thats not what we asked but okay. They are at least being quiet now, and i'm gonna try to head to bed.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Binge and Purge

Theirs nothing like being up all night throwing up from food poisoning. My life is so fabulous. So i'm suppose to see James today but that my not happen now due to my sudden problem. Gonna stay home and hope that it passes, in the meantime gonna catch up on sleep since i'm bound to the bathroom for now. Hopefully later tonight i'll feel better and help Michael with packing for our trip to Orlando. I have to charge up the new and old camera. I think we will film a bit for Season 2, still need 2 or 3 more episodes filmed.

Monday, August 22, 2011

You Don't Love Me

Why am I always told that everyone loves me? I wonder at how accurate that statement is because if everyone loves me then why don't I have any close friends, why don't they call me, and why can't anyone who says they wanna date me ask me out on a date instead of dragging out their feelings about me for weeks to months only to find they have moved on. I'm not sure how to feel about this, I kinda feel like my heart is constantly being played with and lied to. For once I want what someone says to me to be true and he does follow through, and he does care and call me. I'm tired of having my heart broken, just say it and it would make things easier, "You don't love me."

Friday, August 19, 2011

Productivity, Banjo on Facebook, Numb

Today was a pretty productive day I would say. I finished the re-edit of Episode 17 of BOTC, started editing Episode 18 and will continue more tomorrow, and I just finished setting the songs on my follow up second record "Against The World" in a complete track listing. I got more done than I expected even though it doesn't feel like it.

Banjo, our love child and mascot for BOTC introduced in Episode 4 has recently got his own Facebook page. He came on for two reasons, the first is to add all our current and new fans so when we create events for Bears On The Coast we can invite the fans. Second is to interact with the fans and watch over the BOTC page like a moderator.

I've started to notice lately something that i've been suffering with for a while. Since I left NYC back im August, I feel like i've built a shell around me. Outside I appear fun and silly, but inside I feel numb. I feel dead almost like everthing is generic, nothing excites me and I keep myself distant from people because I feel no one can understand me. I keep a lot of things inside and its becoming more and more of a struggle to do that these days. I'm wondering if I will ever stop feeling numb inside, I don't want to live my life feeling flatlined of feelings and emotions...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

007: For You Ears Only Available Now!

007: For Your Ears Only, the sequel to 007: Dr.Go which was uploaded a couple years ago on my Youtube page and now available to watch. Its been pretty much re edited with special effects and music. You can check it out here:


Friday, August 12, 2011

Future Of Bears On The Coast

Got the computer fixed now. So now its running much more smoothly. Currently editing 007:For Your Ears Only, got the videos exported in a format that Sony Vegas could handle.  So tomorrow I will be working dilligently on that to get it done. Very excited to be editing some of these old memories. Considering taking silly weird moments and having them cut in to Bears On The Coast as a joke.

I'm gonna be honest, I am growing tired of working 110% for Bears On The Coast. It feels like i've been working non stop since the show started and it was something I used to look forward to. I've already promised Season 2 and I will follow through with that promise. But after its finished don't expect to see too much new from BOTC. We will return when we both feel we have regained our strength. I want to come back to the project with the feeling of excitement.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Dustin Studios Classic - Coming Soon

Its been a while since a few Dustin Studios films such as "007:Dr.Go","Blair Bitch Project" and "Final Fantasy: World Of Dreams" were released on Youtube. It is with great pleasure that I will be once again working on editing them. I recently got a few of them in my possession and the first I will be working on is the sequel to 007:Dr.Go.

007:For Your Ears Only will take advantage of the editing software we are using for Bears On The Coast. And i'm also considering creating a new playlist on the Youtube page titled Dustin Studios Classic (1999-2003) to signify the difference between those and my current projects.

Sometimes its fun to revisit the past, and if it can be recreated shiny and new then thats great. Gives me a good excuse to take a fun break from BOTC.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Loneliness

Hey everyone, trying the new Blogger app for my Android phone. So its late and I can't sleep of course. I went in to my Scruff and Growlr apps. These are two apps sort of like Bear411 but free and better. The only complaint I have is that since i've been on there i've kind of felt like an outsider of sorts. I've messaged a few people but no one i'd like to get to know more has returned my messages. I'm wondering why and just feel maybe i'm unattractive or something of that nature. It hurts because i'm starting to feel after my last relationship like I may not be suited to love someone. I hate being so down on myself but if their is anything i've learned from my last relationship its that long distance doesn't work. Even though I can care about someone from miles away and hope one day we could move closer to each other, it seems unlikely i'll ever meet someone who will truly do that with me. So I'm left to local guys in Florida and it doesn't seem like anyone local wants to date me either. Tonight just seems to be one of those nights where I with I had a handsome man to hold close to me and call him mine. I hope eventually I will meet that person. Until then, let the loneliness set in...


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Version Of The Truth


A lot has happened lately, more bad then good because it regards how I treat others and how little faith they have in me. Apparently I go out of my way to make people feel like crap and say things about them that simply aren't true. This is not the case and if the accusers had talked to me face to face about this issue we would have resolved it in a mature manner. But instead they went around to everyone that would listen and was bad mouthing me. How is this any different than what you accused me of? What upsets me more than the accusations is how everyone I thought was my friend was quick to take your side and listen to one story. Why is it that when people feel they need to talk or get something off their chest they come to me but when someone says something about me no one considers to talk to me, they assume its the truth and then to everyone I am the bad person and I'm not even allowed to discuss my side of the story. Its like anything I say can be turned in to a weapon and all my words cause are discord. I have to deal with people telling me I'm not mature, well at least I am mature enough to want to sit down and talk out the situation then threaten people and name call people. That doesn't help and its very disrespectful. I hope over time this pain I feel now will disappear, and we can all work this out.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Moth To A Flame


Am I like a Moth to a Flame? Why do I keep coming back to something that keeps hurting me? I ask myself these questions after a weekend at a local Bear event. Since I moved to New York City a couple of years ago I considered myself part of the Bear Community, a community of men who are larger or hairier or just admire that type of look. Originally the community was created for people who didn't fit in to a particular stereotype and wanted a safe place to feel accepted. That meaning has all but dissolved from what I've seen. I feel I don't fit the particular standard of what the community asks for. I am not large enough, I am certainly not hairy enough, I don't drink to the point of being loose in all the wrong ways, I am not super butch. Seems I have all the odds against me and I just wonder why I even try anymore. I just want people to like me for who I am and if I can't get it from some over sized fan club gone bad then whatever. I'm tired of being at parties and feeling like a shadow that no one sees until I'm in their way. I'm tired of labeling myself for the benefit of others just so they can tear me apart later about how I'm "not like them". I don't want to fight in a popularity contest I didn't enter. I just want to have a great time with some like minded people who don't want to cause drama. And I'd like to just point out that I know its not everyone in the community who is responsible but you don't seem to be doing anything about the state of those issues so I guess things just won't change. That is fine with me because I don't consider myself part of that community anymore, I've tried and tried to be open and accepting of it but I'm tired of being nice and instead of going down to their level and making myself look bad, I just choose just not be involved with bad company. I'd rather be in the company of people I can trust and relate to, who won't say things about me behind my back, who will disregard my feelings and take advantage of my boyfriend, and who will be there for me no matter what happens. I'm not sure how this is going to affect other things in my life, I am not sure if I am keeping the current name of our show "Bears On The Coast" as it is since I no longer associate with it. We will see what happens.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

New Single from Void Of Axis, The Cub Wash Strikes Back, Bears On The River


I recently composed a new track called "Stars". Did the vocals this morning (with a ghetto webcam mic mind you) and they came out pretty decent. Its an awesome track that I personally wrote and created for someone special to me. It isn't part of any particular album and so can be called a stand alone single between records. I will probably be releasing it sometime soon and will announce when I do. I'd love to maybe do a music video for the track, it really depends on how much time I have since i'm busy as hell with Bears On The Coast. But I will be working hard to try and get something out. As far as other music announcements, I am still working on my second album, trying to get a better mic set up. I have to get some equipment before I can continue with it. But its still being worked on. And I am going to be getting some new music from DJ Airrick for the Compass 3 project, I hope to share more with you soon.

Bears On The Coast Episode 18 is now up. I am currently editing Episode 19, if you missed the previous episode, check it out here. In this episode we go to Paynes Prairie, hangout at Spikes and then The Cub Wash makes a glorious return this is borderline porn edition. Its pretty awesome.

Bears On The Coast Season 2 Playlist

I'll be filming at Bears On The River which is being run by the Gatorbears. A local Bear group in Gainesville, Florida. James will also be down here visiting me so it will be very nice. I'll be filming a lot hopefully.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Evolution of Humanity


Why would God give us free will if he didn't want us to use it? I ask this question after I watched a video about a Right Wing Conservative discuss that Home Depot supports Gay Rights and that we are just putting Home Depot "In The Clasp Of Satan". Then you have us boycotting Target and Chick Fil A for funding anti gay rights groups. I'm sorry but I don't believe religions should be involved when running a business. Take Chick Fil A for instance, they are a Christian run company, why your religious views have to be expressed over a deep fryer making chicken is beyond me. I believe everyone has a right to believe what they want to believe but their should be a level of tolerance. In the work place you should be tolerant of everyones differences, you can't tell off a customer for coming in and holding hands with a person of the same sex. That is the consumer, and you should always give the consumer the best experience so they will want to come back. But i'm sure companies like Chick Fil A believe that they don't need to do this because they can survive without our money. It is possible but I don't believe its right. Everyone should be treated equally in the work place. I shouldn't have to go to work worried that someone is going to pull me down and force me to pray for the "demons" to be exorcized from my body. Though they don't see their behavior as bigotry it is. And they can't understand this because how would you when you are taught from birth to believe something and then your pushed out in to the world where not everyone shares your beliefs and your families beliefs. So what do you do? You harass people telling them you can save them and when we are civil with you and tell you "No" you get upset and tell us we are going to Hell.

Let me ask you something, what is God? God is not wrathful, He is very caring, very giving, and He put us here to experience life as we see fit. The reason why He hasn't stopped you is because He wants us to solve our own problems. Do you really think He would want us to be living in a world where all judge each other on our misfortunes and our differences? No. I believe He put us here to be open to everyone and everything life has to offer. Otherwise He would have never given us free will. If we were to be controlled why would He give us this? I sometimes wonder if their is a God since He never gets involved. Why does He let all these bad things happen to us? If He has the power to save people why doesn't He? Why didn't He prevent all these wars, 911, Child Molestation, Cancer, AIDS, Disease, Nuclear Weapons, people living Homeless in the streets? You really have to think about it. If their is a God, I don't think He wants to interfere with how we live our lives. But do I think He accepts the things we do to each other? Not at all. But what can He do, we are His children, we are His creation and we must show Him we are better than this...


Thursday, June 9, 2011

All In A Days Work


Edited some of Episode 17 (Part 2) today, came to the decision after putting some music in the episode that for now the talking pieces of the show remain music free. I am nervous i'll run out of original music for the show before the second season is over. But in the meantime I will try to show off some of the music, I already have one track that will be featured during one sequence. I'm hoping to get the episode parts two and three out before I leave on Saturday to Sawmill. Other than that we did laundry today so all of our clothes are clean now. Best of all I am feeling much better today so hopefully i'll be all good by tomorrow. The only problem i'm having now is my growing dental issue. Before I moved from New York City in August, I had plans to get a lot of work done on my mouth. I was to have my Wisdom Teeth removed, get seven fillings, and then get a deep cleaning. I only had one of those done, I had all my Wisdom Teeth removed. Since then i've been in desperate need of getting the fillings done and a deep cleaning. Now I fear their are more problems as I have deep pains in my jaw and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I think its wrong that you go in to a hospital expecting someone to help you but instead you are approached and asked "Do you have insurance or a credit card?". I mean really what the fuck? Healthcare should be free, keeping people healthy and saving them from injuries should not cost money. Maybe i'll touch on this another time, i'm exhausted and need sleep.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Tidal Wave, BOTC Season 2 Starts, Compass 3


So a lot has happened since i've last blogged. Why the hell I can't keep up with this is dumb, and I am trying to fix that. We went to Tidal Wave/Gay Days at Disney in Orlando, stayed at the host hotel "Royal Plaza" which was very nice. The event itself was very nice, saw a lot of friends from online and met some new ones. Filmed quite a bit for Bears On The Coast at the event so I don't want to give away some of what you will see in that episode. Unfortunately, as I have recently learned from Michael, we both got home feeling sick and now we both have a cold. This was probably brought on by something at the event possibly in the pool, or elsewhere. Even possible to have picked it up at Disney as children wipe their nose and then touch everything. So we are hoping to get better by this weekend, I am feeling a bit better as my nose as cleared up, still have a bit of a cough but slowly getting better. We are considering going to Sawmill this Saturday for their Bear Weekend. And on Sunday we are going to visit Richard & Robert so I can return their CD/DVD drive we borrowed for the weekend. So we should have a good weekend as long as we are both well before Friday.

I've finally started editing Bears On The Coast Season 2, i've finished Episode 17 (Part 1) already and need to do Part 2 & 3 next. I will probably try to get those done before this weekend hits. I love the new intro i've created for the show and I am glad we have been receiving positive feedback from it. Some criticism has been made over the length of the intro as it clocks in at two minutes and twenty six seconds. This counts the episode name and number. I believe its the correct length as it showcases our reoccuring cast members that have been supportive of the show. I felt it was only fair to feature them as they don't get paid to do this and this is my way of thanking them for their support. If you feel the intro is too long and you don't approve then just fast forward. The show is an hour show so if you really feel that upset you lost two minutes and twenty six seconds then sorry but this is just how it is.

While working on music for Season 2 of Bears On The Coast I started to experiment with House/Trance music. In doing this I felt it would be better to ask for assistance from any artists willing to help. I have gained two awesome talents, those being Steven (DJ Bearish) & Eric (DJ Airrick). So far the process has lead me to compose a total of 13 tracks on my own. I am currently taking a break as to let Steven and Eric catch up and compose new works if they choose. So far Steven has contributed a track he composed which I think sounds great. If you watch Season 2 of Bears On The Coast you will find the tracks popping up all over the place. The opening theme titled "Ghost" was the first track created for the project and is one of my favorites. I have shown the material to some of my friends and have received a great reaction from it. Some are great to hear i'm doing more accessible and more mainstream work. And more importantly more upbeat music. I've been told the music I create is depressing and sad because of the content of what i'm singing and the music runs with that theme. A lot of my past material which has yet to be released is all based on times long past in which i've had something i've dealed with. I think happy and sad music is essential, you can't have one without the other. Life has its ups and downs, and my music is the same. I am glad I could prove to people that not everything I create is sad and depressing. Some of it can make you dance and want to just have a good time and party. I'm glad I can create something different.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Thoughts On Black Swan & Misconceptions



I just finished watching Black Swan. I have to say that film is pretty fantastic, all the way to the end you are left feeling out of place and distraught. By the end of the film it doesn't give you an answer of what exactly happened, but more of a fill in the blanks with what you think happened. I personally think that Natalie Portman's character was mentally ill, she was suffering from many delusions that got worse and worse to the point of her ultimately endangering herself. It actually is kind of sad when you think about it. As a person who suffers with mental illness, its sad to see a movie like this about a person who just wanted to be the best she could be and ultimately its her illness that kills her. After seeing the film I think its great but its left a somewhat weird taste in my mouth. Maybe something about the film hit to close to home for me but I still recommend people to go see it as its a great film and was beautifully well done.

Also I must point out that some people who can't comprehend the film because of the "girl humping the floor" scenes and "all she does is get down on herself so that makes this a bad film" is bullshit. Those people have the mental capacity to watching Michael Bay films about dirty language and explosions. That's about it. Black Swan is for people who are MATURE and understand what mental illness is. To judge it as a film about "a girl who masturbates a lot and get upset" is pure horse shit. If you have the mental capacity to handle that then by all means watch this movie, and if you don't, go watch 2012, because that film was all about nonsense and unnecessary action sequences that never end. I'm sure you'll be watching it with someone as scary and bitchy as this girl...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Growing Pains


How can you laugh when someone doesn't understands your humor but expects you to find their humor amusing? How can you feel good about yourself when everything that makes you who you are annoys someone but you are expected to be tolerant of everyone else? How is it possible to not feel less than someone else when what makes you who you are is being criticized?

I try everyday to respect everyone's differences, I know I won't be able to get along with everyone. I don't ask that you understand everything about me, what I do ask is to just be tolerant of who I am. The last thing I need to feel is like a small infant who needs guidance because he's immature and no like everyone else. I don't expect others to deal with my problems, so don't expect me to deal with yours. If you can't handle my baggage what makes you think I can handle yours? I may have a jaded sense of the world but in the end I believe a better tomorrow does exist and that things will eventually work out because if I didn't then why would I be making an effort to make a better future for myself? The last thing I want to do with this entry is to start drama because i'm just stating how i'm feeling inside. And to some people stating how I feel inside to them means I am overreacting. But in reality I am just reflecting, that is the whole point of this blog. A way to reflect on the past and see it for what it is, a point of growth. I am human, I make mistakes and I am always learning and always growing.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bears On The Coast & Void Of Axis Nominated & Bears On The Coast Season 2 Trailers...


We have been nominated for two awards for the Bearlebrity Awards. The first being Bears On The Coast for Best Bear Videocast, and the second being Void Of Axis for Best Bear Audio/Podcast. If you would like to vote please visit this link below:

http://www.thebearlebrity.com/the-bearlebrity-awards/

Also we released our first in a series of trailers that will be released each month leading up to our new season of Bears On The Coast which is set to be released in August. Here is the trailer:

Friday, April 8, 2011

Everyone Has Issues, Snapple Party, The Starving Artist


Hey everyone. Sorry for the long pauses between posts. Things have just been very hard here lately. Not only in my life but in the life of others I know and love. I want to help those in need who are in my life but i've realized I can do that. I need to work on my own life first, and so far I have nothing yet going with that. Still no job yet but I am seriously putting in the effort for the weeks coming up. I've already put up my newly reworked resume, thanks to my boyfriend Adam, on CareerBuilder and Monster.com. So far though i've gotten nothing but Telemarketer positions which are just not good. I won't make any money doing that shit. I will be applying for a few places online and hopefully they will get back to me. I also want to stop by a few local shops and see if they are hiring anyone.

Other than the problems in my life and in my close friends lives, things are alright. I have been working on filming the second season of Bears On The Coast. In the meantime I have been working with Michael on our first live stream over the internet. We are having a "Snapple Party/Bears On The Coast Marathon" on May 7th. Its based on the idea we created on the first episode of Bears On The Coast. At this party we will be discussing episodes the fans have chosen for us to talk about and we will be drinking snapple and just having a good time. We have even got a special surprise for our fans which i'm sure will make them laugh. We will be having the Bears On The Coast Snapple Party live at May 7th at 3pm. The link to the page where it will be held live is located below:

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/bears-on-the-coast-live-snapple-party

I'm very worried about my first album. I've only managed to sell about 3 copies of the record, i've been doing my hardest to advertise but i'm not a record label. I am a person who doesn't have much skill in that area. I'm hoping my new roommate who will be joining me and Michael can help me advertise this record better. I've also been hoping to get some support from some of my family and friends. But it seems I haven't got such luck since the three people who bought the record notified me of their purchases which is okay. I know not everyone will enjoy my music but out of 334 friends only 3 people decide to support me? I guess this is the life of an artist, I will just have to try harder with my next releases. I don't do pop music, I just create whatever I feel like creating. This is also my first album so maybe its just not what people want to hear which is understandable. I am hoping I get more support before I move on to my next project under Void Of Axis.

Friday, March 25, 2011

To Be Or Not To BB?


So lately I've notice more and more guys are getting back in to "barebacking". For some of you who don't know what that is, its playing unprotected without a condom. I will admit that I myself enjoy doing this but at a price. I will ONLY do this with people I trust and those close to me such as my boyfriend. But some of the guys I meet don't ask me what my status is, don't ask me if I am clean of any diseases, and instead jump head first in to BB without taking precautions for themselves. I'm wondering if its because guys feel that "well if I get something its not a death sentence" which I feel is the wrong attitude to have. Many diseases we have today are treatable but on the same note, that doesn't justify the need to spread it so carelessly. It is up to the person to make this choice for themselves but also be aware of the risk. I have seen friends who go to sex parties, end up getting in group sex, and then pretty much let themselves go and later on freaking out about how they made a mistake. Its not disrespectful to wear a condom, if you aren't sure or just feel pressured to not wear a condom then maybe that person is not the best person to be doing that with. Their are plenty of guys out there who don't care about you and are willing to easily pass it to you to just simply "get off". People need to be responsible for their actions. This by no means makes everyone a bad person, some people truly just end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I just advice that people be a little more aware. We are all fighting to make this world a better place and without judgement and the last thing I want you to think is I'm judging you.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Taxes From Hell, Bears On The Coast Season Finale, Forest Of Memories Vol. 1 Release Date, Last Transmission Announcement, & My Special Honey Bear...


Sorry for not updating sooner, i've been kinda busy between finishing Episode 13 for Bears On The Coast, and getting my first album "Forest Of Memories Vol. 1" released. But I will try to be more up to date with this blog, just a lot going on right now.

So today I called Fountain House to let them know i'll be contacting the IRS because for the last three months i've tried to request my W2 forms from them with no success and legally they can't keep them from me. So I informed them today that I will be contacting he IRS and hopefully they can get my W2's so I can do my taxes. Other than that i've stalled looking for a job as my resume is pretty sad and I needed to fix it up. A few friends have helped me with rewriting it and even making a cover letter for me. Thank you to everyone who has helped me so far. I hope to find something soon. I'm really tired of not having any money and not being able to do anything or support myself. Tomorrow Michael is gonna help me get new shoes because my current shoes are so worn out that they are literally falling apart inside. So tomorrow i'll be doing that and I also want to start working on cleaning up the house.

Bears On The Coast Season 1 has come to an end with Episode 13. Parts 1 & 2 have been uploaded so far with a 3rd and final part coming soon. A second Season is in the works but will not show up for some time. I will be taking time though to film but instead I will be taking my time with Season 2. I would like to actually have a schedule when videos would come out and such so its not like everyone is waiting for an episode i'm rushing to complete. Season 2 will be more relaxed and planned out, so if you would like to be a part of it please contact me via my Facebook page or my e-mail. Also my first album "Forest Of Memories Vol. 1" will be released March 29th. I am very excited, I hope people will like the record and enjoy it. I am considering making a second video for the record, haven't decided the song I will be doing a video to but I am going to try and make it before the album is released. In the background of all this news I am also working slowly on designing a video game titled "Last Transmission", I put out some special Beta pictures of the project thus far.

In nine days I have a very special Bear coming to visit me, me and him have been talking for the past month and getting very close. I am very excited but nervous as well. I guess its only normal that I would be nervous, I just want things to work. And I like him a lot. He will be here for a week, he is from Atlanta, Georgia. He's been very sweet and helpful in helping me try to get a job and helping me with my resume and such. I look forward to seeing him soon.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Weekend in Tampa, New Twitter, A Matter Of Time on iTunes and Amazon...

Hey everyone, currently on vacation in Tampa with my good friend, Ethan. So far i'm having a great time. On Friday, me and Michael drove to Tampa after he got out of work and he requested we listen to Abba. So I turn on Abba and it keeps going and going to the point where we are almost there and the album hasn't finished yet. I'm like, what the fuck?! So after being attacked by Abba music for two and half hours straight, we finally made it to Andrew & Tom's house. They are friends of Michael's and whom he is staying with this weekend. They were both very nice and I really look forward to hanging out with them again sometime. Ethan, picked me up from their place and we dropped my stuff off at his place and decided to get some food so we went to Chili's. It was pretty good, I haven't eaten at Chili's since I was in Conneticut visiting Hendric. So afterwards we just relaxed and went to bed. Yesterday, we went to Five Guys Burgers & Fries which I have never had before. They were pretty good and I was really surprised how many fries we got. After that, we went to Parksdale Farms where they sell their world famous Strawberry Shortcakes, as well as Smoothies and other goodies. I tried a Strawberry smoothie, it was good but just not my cup of tea. We went back to his place afterwards, chilled out and watched "Alien 3" to pass the time. Then we decided to go see The Roommate, a new film about a girl who goes to college and gets this roommate who seems a bit off at first but as the film progresses we find that her roommate "Rebecca" is completely psychotic. I really enjoyed the film and found it was better than I assumed it was going to be. The only part I found kinda out of place was Rebecca was suppose to be taking the prescription drug, Zyprexa. Now I kinda laughed at this because she needed something WAY stronger than that. I've taken Zyprexa in accordance with my therapy and I was not as fucked up as she was. She had some serious psychological issues, she needed stronger medication and maybe its possible in larger doses it would have helped her but I just found that kind of silly. Other than that, it was a great film. After the movie, we went to Gameworks for a few minutes to play some games. At one point, Ethan got me on the Dance Dance Revolution machine and I danced my ass off to the point of exhaustion. We left Gameworks and went to Applebees for some late night food and headed back to his place to sleep. Today is Sunday, Ethan is sleep asleep since we were up so late. We will be meeting with Michael, Andrew, and Tom later for some dinner and then I think today will mostly be a day to stay in, watch a few movies and play a few games.

My original Twitter account is attached to my phone that I stopped using almost three years ago. Because of this I couldn't access my account and thus had to create a new one. You can now find me on Twitter at:

http://twitter.com/#!/DustinStudios

A Matter Of Time (Single) is now available not only from CDBaby. But you can also purchase it from iTunes and from Amazon. I will include the link below:

A Matter Of Time (iTunes)

A Matter Of Time (Amazon)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Matter Of Time is Released & Episode 9 on Facebook...

My first single, A Matter Of Time, has been released and is available now! I am so very excited and glad its finally out there and I hope you check it out and download the track. The link to the single will be located below this post. At the moment, i'm working on getting the finishing touches on Forest Of Memories Vol. 1 and working to get some live shows going. So the future for Void Of Axis looks good and busy.

http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/VoidOfAxis

Me and Michael are getting ready to go to Tampa this weekend. Michael will be staying with his friends, Andrew & Tom. And i'll be staying with my friend Ethan. Because of certain circumstances, Michael will be mainly featured on the next Bears On The Coast episode. But don't be upset, I am sure Michael will do a great job with filming and i'll be back for the next one. I'm glad i'll be able to rest my fingers for the this weekend. Episode 9 is currently available on Facebook, i'll be working on getting it up on Youtube today as well.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Bittersweet, A Matter Of Time Official Music Video Released, Bears On The Coast Episode 8...

Time goes by so far and before we have time to recognize all the time that as past it seems to be too late. I feel I've had that revelation recently, yesterday I was uploading and finalizing my information for my single "A Matter Of Time" which i'll be releasing hopefully next week. After finishing it, I got a message from my sister on Facebook, it told me my Grandfather had passed away. I feel sad about his passing but at the same time, I feel happy that he is at least not in anymore pain and with my Grandmother again. I called my Mother to see how she was holding up, after this i'm sure we both feel sad. So my release was a bitter sweet achievement, but I just need time to process this. As most of my friends know, i've written a song titled "Rain" for my Grandmother when she passed, I might do the same for him as well. Then again, I could dedicated the song to both of them. I need time to figure out things and see how I feel.

So as life must go on, the official music video for "A Matter Of Time" has been released on Youtube. The music video was filmed over two days and was very fun to do. The song itself is quite different from the video but still discusses a bad situation from which the person singing doesn't leave until its too late. In this case, I am kidnapped, tortured, and implied to be killed at the end of the video by a dark twin of mine. It was very fun to do and I just hope people enjoy it as much as I did and purchase the song once its released.



So as well as a new music video being released, their is new episodes of Bears On The Coast. We are now up to Episode 8 which has showcased our past week basically. Our next video is not far off and will probably feature me making jokes about Valentine's Day and my personal distaste for the "Hallmark" holiday in which I recieve nothing from guys I like (just my luck). So expect it sometime soon. I will also try my best to keep up with this blog more, I've just been lazy and I apologize for it again.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

Past, Present, Future...


I wonder if I pushing myself to nothing. Am I working on something other people don't care about as much as I do, should I continue and should I quit now? I ask myself these questions a lot when it comes to my music. Considering I haven't put out an album yet I try to push these questions aside, but when I look at my Void Of Axis page on Facebook and see how small my fan base is and how little interaction I have with them I wonder how do I reach out to new people and whether or not they will even care about my music. I will admit, I am not what the radio plays today. But i'd rather be true to myself and what I feel is right, I choose to create the type of music I do because I generally like it and it sounds like something i'd like to listen to. I am hoping I am not the only person out there. I don't have an agent, I don't have a record label to fund me, and I really am trying my best to do everything. From working on music, to creating artwork, to finding live shows to play, to creating the best experience I can, but i'm not sure I can do it alone. I am just really confused as to what I should do next, I am working on trying to promote Forest Of Memories Vol. 1 which as i've been told is NOT an album I would get signed for. And I knew that when I created it, the album is not a commercial record, its a series of albums that just reflect the past. So far, the past has been a reoccurring theme in my life and I was to just release this and everything else that is in the "past" so I can move forward in to present and future.

I will reflect more later, have to get ready for Euchre today with the girls.

Forest Of Memories Vol. 1 New Cover, Void Of Axis Information, Bears On The Coast Episode 5...


Forest Of Memories Vol. 1 now have a new cover, I felt the original cover was too cluttered and not up to the best it could be. I've been working really hard on trying to get the promotion of the album ready. I am pretty sure that I will be selling my music officially on CDBaby, and also will be exploring the other possibilities given to me once that is set up such as being able to purchase albums and singles on Amazon, iTunes, Physical CD's, etc. I'm also hard at work on getting a music video done for "A Matter Of Time" and even setting up some live shows to help promote the record.

Bears On The Coast Episode 5 has been uploaded to Youtube. It is too long to upload to Facebook so its only available on Youtube for now. I will be working on Episode 6 soon which will consist of the remaining footage from our weekend to Orlando.







Thursday, January 13, 2011

First Single is A Matter Of Time, Forest Of Memories Info, Bears On The Coast Episode 4 & 4.5



I am happy to announce that A Matter Of Time will be the first single from my forth coming album "Forest Of Memories Vol. 1". The single will contain the album mix of the track as well as the demo version of the track. The release date for the single is February 8th and Forest Of Memories will be released on March 21st. I'll soon announce where you can purchase both the album and the single. Also the artwork for both A Matter Of Time & Forest Of Memories have been finished and are featured above, I hope you like. I am in talks with a friend of mine who will be helping me create a music video for A Matter Of Time. The ideas so far are very good and I think it will show some how serious I am about my music. I am currently in the process of doing the inside art work for Forest Of Memories. Most of the theme to the booklet will be the theme of my past since the album is a somewhat biographical look on pieces of my life...

Bears On The Coast Episode 4 and 4.5 are now out both on Youtube and Facebook. I recently did a facelift on the Youtube page to reflect the new show so I hope everyone likes it.




Monday, January 3, 2011

The Year Of Change, The Void Opens Soon, Bears On The Coast Episodes 2-3...

2010 was an interesting year, it was the year that many changes occurred in within my life. May relationships destroyed through greed and hatred, but with those bridges burned by others many new ones were created. Many new friends have been made and more importantly, family members I look forward to making new memories with. This will definitely be the Year Of Change for me, from New York, to Michigan, to Florida. It really has been very interesting and now I am ready for a new chapter in my life and to see what happens here and now. In the past couple of days, I've been considering starting to write a sort of biography of my life up until this point. The problem is finding a place to start the story of course, it could start during high school, but I think it would be good to start the moment I was out on my own. I want to be brutally honest with this story and tell everything I can tell no matter how much it matter hurt. This is just to show how far I've come and now where I can go from here. I am very optimistic of my future here, and things are slowly coming together. I have an appointment to get my state id soon and then I can start looking for work, in the meantime I will be doing my best to get whatever I can together. As well as writing my biography probably in my spare time, I won't share the biography with anyone till I feel it is done which will be a long time from now. I honestly just say let me write what I can and someday when I feel its write it will appear.



This will be the year my music finally starts, I am in the final stages of my first full length LP since Purgatory this past October. I will be finalizing vocal work this month and copyrighting the material. The single for the record has been chosen and I will be working with someone on creating a music video for it as well as artwork for it. I will also be working on the rest of the artwork and getting the album released. I've had to pull the March release date as I don't believe it might make it to that date, but once the songs are legalized and finished I can say when I release date is. I am glad this is finally coming along and I look forward to having people listen to it.

Bears On The Coast Episodes 2 & 3 have been uploaded and are availble to watch now on my Youtube page. We also have a new page for Bears On The Coast on Facebook which I will link below: