Bears On The Coast comes out of Hibernation

Bears On The Coast, the internet reality show starring Dustin Terry & Michael Varvel returns May 30th for its 3rd Season but this time it won't be simply the same old games and tricks. The show is getting a major face lift so to speak. We are continuing to use 720p HD (introduced in Season 2) as well as an original soundtrack from Void Of Axis, but whats new? For starters, BOTC is getting its own official website where information on the show can be found, and the main show will be hosted. Additional to the main show, commercials will appear in BOTC for other shows that will be streamed directly through the main site. The new programs include:

• Cooking With Bears
• Bearly Watchable
• VOAGamerCub's Video Game Reviews
• Chicken Chat

All of these will be independant shows of BOTC that will be uploaded as they are completed.
The theme song will be getting updated from last season by the talented singer songwriter Freddy Freeman.
We have filmed four episodes out of thirteen so far, we bought a tripod for the camera, and we are also talking about creating a donation page so we can raise money for additional equipment and costs for the show. We want to make this season unique, special and different then the rest. We will be going to new places this season, I travel to New York even in this season so theirs a lot that will be new and exciting to Season 3.

Gaming Has Changed

I consider myself a Gamer, I grew up with Nintendo, Sega and Sony systems surrounding me with tons of amazing games and experiences. Their was a time where I owned the best games and had the best systems, but eventually that ended. Its been almost 4 years since i've had a current generation system and the last one I owned was a Nintendo Wii. I spent most of that time in between still following gaming sites and seeing what was new. Last year I was given a Nintendo 3DS for my birthday and it intrigued me to attempt to at least continue doing what I once loved doing, I miss gaming but now I wonder if gaming is still how I remember or if i'm just a relic of a generation long past.

This Christmas I budgeted myself to get a Nintendo Wii U, the newest console from Nintendo, a company that i've enjoyed the company of since my first NES. I love to play Nintendo titles like Super Mario, The Legend Of Zelda, Metroid, Star Fox, F-Zero, and Donkey Kong. I also enjoy titles from other companies such as Final Fantasy (Square-Enix), Doom (id Software), Perfect Dark (Rare), Metal Gear Solid (Konami), Turok: The Dinosaur Hunter (Acclaim), Tomb Raider (Eidos), and Resident Evil (Capcom) just to name a few. Since i've been away I thought gaming hasn't really changed much but the more I see some of my "gamer" friends it feels like i'm less and less of a "real" gamer in this day and age. The reason for this realization is for a few reasons:

Number One: Nintendo is not well liked or considered "cool" by most of my friends (ironically they will wear Nintendo related memorabilia still though). Nintendo is behind in the current generation market, they support a more family friendly atmosphere than Microsoft and Sony do and it seems nothing Nintendo can do will appease to some of these people. A lot of what i've heard is this harsh view comes from the idealization that Nintendo betrayed gamers when they released the Nintendo Wii which in gamers eyes is a giant "fuck you" to the hardcore gamer market. So most of these gamers have flocked to Sony's Playstation 3 and Microsoft's XBOX 360.

Number Two: If you look at the game selection these days between a Nintendo system and any other system you will realize a disturbing inconvenient truth and that truth is that "modern" gamers play FPS games. If you look at the selection of killer IP's on the shelves for those systems you will notice most of those games are Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 (Activision), Halo 4 (343 Studios), Madden NFL 13 (Electronic Arts), Borderlands 2 (2K Games), and Skyrim (Bethesda Softworks). These are considered some of the titles that are popular now, so out of these titles I named the only one I have an interest in trying is Skyrim because its a fantasy RPG and I generally like those type of games. But the rest of these, you will notice and even Skyrim will fit in this genre are FPS games. I can enjoy FPS games BUT what I don't think people realize is that, thats not all I want to play on my game console, I was variety and if all i'm going to be doing is shooting things in the face in different scenarios then what is the point?

Number Three: I'm a Single Player Gamer, I rarely play multiplayer games (until Guild Wars 2 and EverQuest 2 recently) but since I don't have friends that will be coming over I usually depend on great single player experiences. These days, most games are all about multiplayer and single player is an after thought. It annoys me because it forces me to play with people I don't want to play with and usually my friends never have the game I can play multiplayer so it comes out that not only can't I play with my friends who I would play with but I have to play with complete strangers who are either socially awkward, or completely rude, homophobic, and enjoy sucking the fun out of the experience for me.

I guess the point i'm trying to make is that it seems a lot of games these days are more pointed towards realistic violence which sometimes is fun but its not for all gamers. It especially isn't for younger gamers which unfortunately are playing these games and now I have "gamers" attacking me for my personal tastes in gaming which is sad. I play games to get away and have fun and if the only way to have fun is to shoot people in the face then I guess gaming has changed. So now the question remains, do I still buy the Nintendo Wii U and go with quality I know i'll enjoy or should I give in to my peers and get a Playstation 3 and simply learn to accept that games for me are dark and bloody and violent and thats how I should game now.

Void Of Axis Live @ Bearapalooza's 10th Anniversary

I recently had an amazing experience I will never forget, it was a huge step in my life and for me as an artist. As you all know I worked on a documentary with Freddy Freeman, the creator of Bearapalooza, we both discussed the creation of a documentary showcasing the last 10 years of the traveling music festival as well as the many talents that have been a part of it. I completed the 90 minute documentary, though it still needs some work, I consider it as it is now to be a draft of possibilities for where we can take the documentary when we start work on it again. The film was set to premiere at the Bearapalooza 10th Anniversary which was a two day event set in New York City. I traveled up from Florida to participate in this event, we met for rehearsals Friday, November 9th & before the show Saturday, November 10th. This was my first time rehearsing my music in a live setting. My songs were primarily done with backing tracks for the show with the omission of guitar from the backing track in favor of a live guitar player to join me on stage. I also had the help of Freddy and his husband Jay Freeman as backing singers to add to the chorus and parts of the songs. If their was anyone who understood the songs better, it was Freddy since he is producing Kaleidoscope and worked on those tracks. Rehearsal went well but got me nervous when twice during rehearsing I forgot the lyrics to "Slave" and I even got them mixed up. It got me in a mood of panic from then till the moment of my performance. I repeated the lyrics in my head, and kept trying to remember the lyrics I forgot, and as the moment drew closer I got more nervous. The live rock show was to be held at Rock Bar NYC which is located in the West Village. Eventually came the moment where Candy Samples, our hostess of the evening and a talented singer songwriter Drag Queen announced me to take the stage. I remember that once the music started, my nervousness slowly began to disappear as I sang the lyrics. I became very comfortable on stage by the time we finished "Slave" and moved in to "Diary". I noticed that my voice was cracking a bit as I sang "Diary" and I should of brought up a water bottle to hydrate before doing that song but as my first performance it was an amazing experience and it went better than I even thought it could. After my performance I went outside to unwind, I had a rush the whole evening and tried to film most of the concert as I could. Everyone did a fantastic job, the coolest part of this performance is that everyone took their music and transformed it in to a live full band set up which was new for myself, Bone Intell, and Kendall and our MC Candy Samples. Then the next day, we all met up at the LGBT Center for the second part of the event which was the Documentary Premiere, the Wedding of Freddy & Jay Freeman, and some acoustic performances. It started with the film premiere which made me cry a bit, it was great to finally hear the reactions from the people who lived and experienced these moments first hand and as I created the movie I got to be a part of those experiences with them and get to know them. Even though the film was rough and still needs some work it went over very well and i'm glad I was given the chance to do the film. After that we had the wedding which had to be one of the most beautiful things i've had the chance to witness, Reverend Roger Anthony Yolanda Mapes performed the ceremony and Freddy & Jay sang their vows to each other. It was just so great and moving to be there and i'm glad to be a part of both their lives. After the ceremony and I dried my eyes, we had some acoustic performances from Yolanda, Freddy Freeman, Tommy Johns, and even Troy Rusnack who couldn't join us the night before joined us a performed. We ended the event by singing Freddy's biggest song titled "Echo". I will always look back on that event and remember fondly, even though Hurricane Sandy almost destroyed it, we worked together and we endured. To be part of this brotherhood of men who express themselves artistically is great and they are all talented and great people.

Gays Hating Gays (Sex vs Friendship)

What happens when you are hurt by something over and over again? It becomes ingrained in your mind to avoid what has hurt you of course. Lets take the Gay Community for example as whats hurt you over and over again. These people will avoid events, social gatherings, and anything involving Gay people in general. I will admit I have been down this road before and I myself once felt this way. As someone who has come to a more peaceful place in his life, I will try to explain what causes these feelings, what happens to these people, and what can be done to change future generations to deal with these same issues from my own experience and my opinion of what might be the issue here.

The Cause:

I'm sorry Boys, but their are some guys out there who don't want to have sex. We respect that you have sex, we understand you have it but it seems more and more these days with the level of sexual imagery in ads for Gay Events, Businesses, Social Gatherings, it can be seen as become less about meeting new people and making friends and more about hooking up and getting laid. As Humans, we are fascinated by Sex but when you go to these events it can easily be seen as giant "Fuck Fest". I was told once that these events are what men at the end of a long week or day who just want to unwind and relax want to do. That is fine if you want to have sex. But not all of us want to do this and those who are turned off by that won't go to events like those but now the problem is where do we go? If you look at it from out perspective from someone who isn't open sexually and just wants to meet friends, if you go to a bunch of events where you are treated like meat and being pushed in to things you don't want to do sexually, don't you think you would feel the same way? Honestly, if you are too blind to notice the Gay magazines with nothing but half naked guys and ads for lube and poppers then you need to take another look.

The Aftermath:

After years and years of feeling out of places at these events and being treated like a sex toy, eventually they point the finger at everyone because honestly, in a sense they are right. It seems we have no issues with the way we treat other men, but we feel its disgusting how women get treated by men. Well its the same thing we do here, it just comes off as the vast majority enjoys to be treated that way. But theirs another majority that are majorly turned off by this and feel its the whole community to blame so it builds up over years. You hate seeing Gay People, you hate seeing Gay events, you hate anything related to be Gay. It ruins the perspective of the Gay Community for them and they avoid it.

The Answer:

What I believe would help with this is we need to have events that for people who just want to meet other people, just as friends or a way of just meeting new people in a non sexual way. We need to seperate the events from sexual themed ones to non sexual themed ones because not everyone wants to see the hot tub full of naked guys, the magazines with lube and popper ads, the "social gatherings" which start out as a Pot Luck and then turns in to an Orgy after everyone has finished eating. I think that if we were more considerate of those people then things would be better in this "community". I think its wrong to say these people are prudes or judgemental, these people including myself aren't judging you for what you do in your personal lives. If thats how you want to be then more power to you, but we shouldn't be told that we are wrong for feeling this way or even worse, told that we need to learn that this is the way things are. Its not, and the more people use that excuse, the more people will fall for it and our community will grow in to a much BIGGER "Fuck Fest" and we don't want a community of people who can't tell the difference between Love and Lust. We want a diverse community that understands that sex has a place, just like friendship does and some people want to just find a connection with someone else without sex involved. Lets work on this.

Sexual Issues

Lately I've been having issues with my sexuality, I don't think its my method that is wrong. I think its that i'm changing and seeking something different than others are and to me it looks like everyone wants to screw everything they see and that is not me. My current situation is this, when I meet a guy I like or find attractive, I try to get to know them. I like to talk to them and see if we have a connection beyond my physical attraction. If I can't find that then more than likely I won't follow through with anything because NSA and Hook Up sex is very emotionless to me. I dislike using the word "Sex" with guys i'm with because of how little meaning it has now. It feels like a handshake based on how I see it being used by other men so it feels empty to me. I like to think that when i'm intimate with someone that I am giving them something special that not everyone can have. This kinda leads in to my last post where I just feel like some of the people I assosiate myself with are just always talking about having sex, with anyone, anywhere, no matter how they can get it and honestly that makes me feel uncomfortable. When I was younger I "sowed my oats" and played with lots of people and enjoyed the times but I feel now that i'm getting older and more mature that I don't want to keep doing that. I want to share that with a select group of people, whether thats a Boyfriend or just Friends With Benefits is fine to me. I don't want to share it with people who don't know me, don't want to know me, and want to get off with me and leave never to be seen again. I really can't stand that shit, and it makes me feel gross after its been done. When I hear some of my friends say how hot someone is i'm usually okay but when they add "I would fuck them" it just makes me uncomfortable. Makes me feel like i'm outcasted because I won't fuck every guy I find attractive. I feel like I have standards and it makes me wonder if theirs something wrong with me, or the guys that are doing this? I don't think theirs anything wrong with admiring someone. I admire lot of men for the way they look, and when I think of myself with them I think in terms of cuddling because i'm a cuddler. I enjoy cuddling and it doesn't have to be about "Sex". Just enjoy being close to someone else I think is handsome. I think i've said all I can really say on the subject. If I have anything to add i'll post it later.

This is how Men are Wired...

I am a man. Because i'm a man does that mean I need to look at members of the same sex or opposite sex and objectify them as sex objects. I don't mind saying someone is handsome and throwing up a picture every once in a blue moon on Facebook but what about the others who spend so much time commenting on photos of their friends or even a picture of some random guy they don't know just to say how hot they are and how much they want to do him. Am I the only one who finds this wrong? When I meet a guy I like to treat him with respect, I don't walk up and grab his ass or chest and try to make out with him immediately. Lately i've been more aware to this, I saw this a lot at Tidal Wave & Gay Days at Disney and it made me feel weird. I like men just as much as the next gay guy but i'm not going to be a nymphomaniac and make it my everlasting conquest to get laid by him or be the biggest whore of the weekend. Step right up, see how many loads this whore can take. Honestly, I know theirs some perverted people out there but its unsettling to see that more than the majority are on that same level leaving me in a minority of people who don't want to be physical with everything that walks in the room. I'm told that they are just being friendly with each other, well when i'm friendly with someone I say hello and give them a hug at most, I don't go and jump on them and try to do them then and there.

Maybe i'm crazy for feeling this way but I like to believe I have standards and I won't just use the excuse "i'm a man and this is how men are wired". If thats the case then what chance to straight women have with men since they are gonna be whore's with other women?

Waste

Yesterday I woke up, got showered and dressed and then sat back down on the bed but this time with a lingering feeling in the back of my mind. Slowly creeping up on me, I tried to submerge these emotions within myself but it was too late, it come out of me. "I hate myself" is what I said. "I hate how I look, I hate how I act, I hate how I am." Left with this feeling of disgust for myself I was angry and upset that I allowed myself to feel this way about myself but was I lying? No I wasn't, and the sad truth is that i've been hiding some of my feelings because I don't want to disappoint people. I want to be a positive influence to those who are struggling in their lives, and because of this too I felt worse. I had failed them and myself, I was upset and wrote on Facebook "I'm a waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of energy. The world would be better off without me."

I remember at that moment I truly felt that way but I didn't mean it in the way of suicide. I've always felt disappearing and running off to a place alone would do everyone good. Sometimes I feel like a time bomb around others as something bad is about to happen and its caused by my presence there. I'm just bad luck.

So as I said before I am not happy with myself and unfortunately a lot of what i'm not happy with is stuff I cannot change, its who I am. Sometimes I am content with who I am and enjoy it but other times like yesterday I truly hate myself. Let me explain what exactly I dislike about myself.

Physical:

I feel i'm pretty big now, almost 220 pounds and I can feel it. For my height that is pretty big, i've been told i'm not big enough so I feel I need to stick to this weight otherwise no one will like me. Another part of me would like to go down to between 170-180 and work out and turn some of this in to muscle but not become a muscle bear.

I'm balding so I can't do anything with my hair, only shave it down short or shave it all off. I wish I had more body hair but that's genetics and I can't fix that. I also wish my facial hair would grow in thicker, mine is very patchy and grows in thin and patchy all over my face. It also grows in wildly so brushing it is a must just to get it to calm down a bit.

I wish I wasn't allergic to animal hair and dander. Those specific to Dogs & Cats. Most of my friends have animals which is nice, I just wish I could go to their houses and visit them without ending up in a hospital unable to breathe.

Mental:

I suffer from a Food Phobia which holds me back from trying new foods. I hate it, and realize how stupid the fear is but no matter what when someone offers me something I haven't tried before I get nervous and if pushed on trying it I go in to a panic attack. Its so stupid and I hate it but its one of the major things i've been told that keeps anyone from dating me and also keeps people away from me because apparently they think I am holding them back which isn't true. If someone wants to eat something I don't eat I always tell them get whatever you want, I can get something else later. Its not a big deal for me.

I have a mental illness, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Most people don't know what that is, and its really just a fancy term to say that I have bits a pieces of Depression, Mania, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia. It sounds worse than it really is, I regulate myself, I am not on medication and when I start treatment again i'd like to continue treatment without medication. I'd like to continue with Therapy though. Most people when told about my mental state freak out, they don't understand it and think i'm a crazy person and i'm not. I just have some issues like everyone else, no less or more normal than anyone else.

Emotional:

The only think I wish I was more emotionally would be to give less of a shit what other people expect of me. I hate being told where and what I should be doing with myself and lots of people everyday comment on my life like its an open book and they control the outcome.

Thats what I hate about myself. I should say dislike because hate is a very strong word but I really dislike those things and I can't change them. What I need to do is learn to accept those parts of me that I cannot change and love the parts of me I can change. Its easier said than done though, I am glad though i'm in a better state of mine since yesterday so I apologize for anyone who thought I was going to kill myself. I hope this explains things a little better for you. Thank you for reading.

Lie To Me

The one thing I hate more than anything is being lied to and its seems i've been lied to for a very long time by a lot of men. I've been told that Long Distance Dating would never work, no matter if we get to know each other and move in with each other you have denied that our relationship would work. Well its come to my attention that you are all a bunch of liars living in your fantasy world, you don't want me to be in a relationship for whatever reasons you have, maybe its so that my dick is available to you at all times which if it is i'm cutting everyone off now! I haven't been on a real date in almost 5 years and its complete bullshit. The only people who have asked me out, who are people I am not attracted to or people who are a mess and don't want to help themselves. I shouldn't have to settle with any of those choices just to be a relationship. It pisses me off because it leaves me feeling like I am undateable. Makes me trust men even less now because how am I suppose to trust people who just want to sleep with me and not get to know me as a person. I'm really pissed off, and theirs no one to blame but yourselves. You know who you are, you know i've wanted to go on a date with some of you and you denied me and pushed me away but you still wanna sleep with me.

Bearpalooza: The Movie

As my first major project since restarting my freelance video production company "Dustin Studios" again in 2010 for "Bears On The Coast", i've been asked by Bearapalooza creator, musician and front man Freddy Freeman to work on a documentary for their 10th Anniversary. It will be 10 years since they started the LGBT Music Festival back in 2002, and they are looking to do something special for it. I have been given the task of creating a 60 to 90 minute documentary showcasing Bearapalooza from when it started to now. I am very excited about this project and i'm glad to be given the honor of working on this project. This week coming up I will be working on backing up lots of my music and video files to make space for Bearapalooza footage, pictures, music, and articles which will be featured in the film. I also ask anyone that has any of videos, pictures, music, or articles could please contact me so I can use them for the film. It would be greatly appreciated by anyone that could help. I will update my progress of the film on here.

Heart Of Stone

New Years Eve of 2012, everyone is excited watching the television ticking down the seconds to the dropping of the ball. I stand there with Michael V, Mike M, and his boyfriend Anthony. The time comes to an end and we take a sip of our drinks and yell "Happy New Year". Then everyone in the bar but me and Michael gets a kiss from our loved ones. Its nice to see people who have found their significant others and while I watch I also feel sadness because I have not run in to that man yet. At this point I haven't been looking for a man since July of 2011, I just have been keeping to myself and getting to know people as friends. The problem with this is i've been getting messages from lots of guys who want to hook up with me. I tell them i'm not interested and they try to make me sound like i'm weird for not being all over them when they expected it. I shouldn't be expected to do anything for someone I don't know. These people have to learn some manners and grow up is how I personally feel but what do I know? So I go back to the room to lay down and relax because I finally feel uncomfortable after receiving a text about going to P House to hook up and seeing everyone else in the bar and feeling like meat on a stick. I'm laying in bed charging my phone and now my phone is buzzing off the hook with messages from guys at P House who are now horny after New Years and expect me to come over even though I don't own a car and suck them off, fuck them, whatever the hell they think they want. I don't even know your name and you want all this? Apparently names are overrated these days, its better to know the guy you slept with by what he gave you after you slept with but lets stay on track here. So i'm just getting upset because it seems like this is all I ever get from men, and while I do love sex, which I do, I just don't wanna give it out to anyone who comes along. I want to give myself to someone special who has to work for that right. That includes cuddling and kissing which some of my friends don't understand, yes i've flirted with some of you in the past but i've reach and limit in my life and i've matured to a point where I want to keep that between me and whoever comes in to my life. I just want to have friends who are friends, nothing sexual between us, and it seems gay men feel every man they come in to contact with is a sexual conquest or that a friend means we can fuck too and I don't believe in that. I believe friends are people you have a connection with on a mental and emotional level who just see you as a great person to hangout with. I think its because the level of sexual advertising and media always showing us as these sexual deviants who will go anywhere, fuck anywhere, and with anyone that we see it as normal and don't question it. I've come to a point in my life where I do question it because I don't want to give myself to people who don't deserve to have me in that way, and how I just want to save myself for someone who really wants me and not to get off on being with me. I can see many guys don't respect me because of the level of disrespect they give me with their requests during sex. I've been told I should be converted to being Poz so I can join relationships, i've been told I should fuck large groups of guys without protection because its hot, and i've been told by close friends to do drugs that I would never even consider doing because I know how damaging they are. But it seems if I complain about them and i'm open about the problems with those things, I always get people who don't understand me and why i'm complaining. Its like I should be doing that because its normal. Maybe i'm old fashioned or maybe i'm growing up, I don't know, I just see things differently then everyone else does and if you don't agree with me about those things then thats fine but don't make me feel like a freak because i'm not being converted, shot up with drugs, or having large NSA orgies. Those things to be are immature and show the kind of character you have the level of respect you have for yourself and you probably have very little respect for yourself if thats how you treat yourself.

I've decided that I want to just stay away from Scruff, Growlr, Facebook, Bear411 or any other site. I will probably update on Facebook when something new and important happens in my life but other than that I just feel its best for now to get myself to a place where I find some happiness in my own life.