For a few months now I have been extremely unhappy with myself,
I’ve hit an impassable wall that I can’t scale. I feel its been
holding me back here and I took action today to start to scale that
wall once again.
Today I deleted my accounts from numerous sites such as Adam4Adam,
BarebackRT, Xtube and many others. My Facebook has been deactivated
for the time being.
I hate Facebook, every time I go on there its nothing but useless
information that people share to give them some kind of purpose. I
don’t understand the constant posts that deal with furry animals,
laughing at others misfortunes and being selfish posting a selfie
every five minutes. Maybe its just where I am in my life right now
but I am tired of people seeming to be famous over doing absolutely
nothing. Maybe I am jealous because I try to do things to get people
to notice me and instead it seems everyone hates me. Because of this
I rarely post on Facebook anymore and I don’t see a point of going
on there to read the stupid shit that people post. If people want to
communicate with me I believe they should call me, Facebook is not
the end all and be all and if it is to those of you then our
“friendship” is not important enough to you to communicate with
me outside of a social media app. That says a lot more about you than
me.
Now that I’ve purged that from my life I can try to focus on
myself and healing without being judged and told how I should think
or feel. The next step for me is to try heal and I feel like blogging
might help that. I used to blog on a website called Blogger and I
found it a very reflective experience as I could go back to a time
that I could remember and see how I felt and where I was. I believe
sharing my thoughts and feelings is a very positive experience in
that respect, I do it through my music a lot and thats why most of my
music sounds the way it does. Lately my music has taken a very
destructive and dark path demonizing myself as a monster and
reflecting that by making harsh and raw music. While I do enjoy the
music and it is a reflection of myself at the moment, it scares me. I
am not afraid of looking at darkness but when you’ve lived in
darkness for so long and you don’t remember what the light feels
like you start to feel like a monster as I do. I very much believe
that my life needs darkness and light, a ying and yang if you will
and I’ve lost the light in my life. All I feel lately is anger and
depression overcoming my thoughts, a growing hatred for everyone and
everything. I don’t want this to be my life so these are the first
steps towards change.
