When You're Alone on YouTube, Forest Of Memories and Washington Mutual Sucks!!!, CJ Yes Paul No...

Hey everyone, I am so excited its almost Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I have a sort of half day at work, I go in to just collect the mail and then I can go home. That works for me. I am going to Mike's parents for Thanksgiving. They live out on Long Island and he told me that Anton, his friend will be joining us on this trip. Sounds like fun. I ended up editing together one of my old films today. I will be uploading to YouTube sometime soon, but this one will be different from my previous uploads that it will be put on private upon its upload because my sister is in the film and does not want the world to see her. Only my friends who are from that period can view the video. It is the movie "When You're Alone" which tells the story of two sisters who move to this new town with their parents and start to experience hauntings from their brother who died in the same house they are living in. Now they must fight to stay alive...

I have been hard at work with reworking "Forest Of Memories" and I am happy with the results this far. Some songs have minimal changes such as "The Storm" and "Forest Of Memories". But tracks such as "Enough" and "Who Do You Think You Are?" have taken an awesome transformation. I am working on the other tracks so soon enough they will be done and I will resume work on "Submerged Memories: Volume 1". My main reason for not releasing these albums yet is because I have to get an account set up on CD Baby and in order to do that you need a bank card. I do not possess one right now because some of you may know that I was homeless 3 years ago. I was living in a homeless shelter and I had my bank card on me and it was stolen. I did not find out until my account showed up at negative 500 dollars. I put something with my bank and then like a few months later I found that they were trying to get me to pay them 300 bucks because they denied my claim. Since then, I have been desperately trying to save money to pay it off because I refuse to try it fight it since that will take a long ass time. So that is why I am waiting to release them, it is kind of sad because I have like four albums of music ready to release and I can't release them. In time I will fix this issue and I will be able to start releasing my music but until then, please be patient. Thank you everyone.

In other news, me and CJ talked the other day. He has been very sick and been in a sort of withdraw from everyone so he's been shut up alone for a little while. This is why he did not get back to me and he apologized. I apologized for being so rude when I went off for not hearing from him in like five days. So we are now talking again, and he is actually on vacation which is nice. As for Paul, still haven't heard from him, I called him today to see if we could talk about the state of our friendship and Dominion Alliance but all I got was a voice mail. Hopefully we can talk soon about the state of our group and see what happens. Anyways, time to get to sleep everyone. Have a goodnight.

-Dustin-

Talked To Elliott, RE:Forest Of Memories, A Bearless Forest...

Hey everyone, finally talked to Elliott today. I worked out a plan pretty much with him. Either next week or the week after I have to sign up for Medicade again, but this time doing something where you sign up for it and pay a small fee. After that I will continue my job in the meantime and save money for school. Plus, after consulting Mike we are considering getting a two bedroom apartment. I have my privacy and he has his, so hopefully that would work. I will start work on it next week.

This weekend I have decided to dedicate to reworking songs on my debut album "Forest Of Memories" for its rerelease when I start releasing my albums on CDBaby hopefully at the end of this year. This version of Forest Of Memories will be Version 2 and will be the OFFICIAL version. The first one if some people still have it will be the original demo version. I will be working on some of the tracks, adding new ones. I might take a few out but I will try to leave the album as unmolested as possible. Have to do some vocal work as well for the album so i'm excited to go back to this album. Its one of my favorites I have ever done and I had tons of fun making this album. And the greatest part is that when I release them I will be supporting them fully with music videos and working on doing some live gigs for Forest Of Memories.

I was listening to a song I did on Forest Of Memories called "Feed The Bears" which starts with bearish grunts. At first when I made the song I thought it was perfect, but now I don't feel that way. I feel like I am an outsider trying to fit into their standards of what a 'Bear' should be. I don't see why they are so mean. For anyone who doesn't know what a 'Bear' is. In the gay world, guys who are big and hairy are considered Bears. Usually they have traits of masculinity and are blue collar looking guys. Thats what I thought it was. Lately, what I have seen is like a contest of who is the hottest, the biggest, the hairiest guy! I fail at all three. I would be considered a Pocket Cub in the community since I am young and husky/moderately hairy (Cub) and I am also short in height (Pocket). I personally feel that guys who look like that are very cute, very handsome. I want to be with someone like that, someone who is bigger than I am, I feel like they can embrace me. Protect me of sorts. I am friends with guys who look like this. So of those guys I am friends with I like more than just a friend but they aren't interested in me. I wonder if their is something wrong with me. Something about the way I look or something I am unable to give to them. Sometimes, like tonight, I feel very lonely. I have a lot of self esteem for myself but sometime I just get down. I just want to be next to someone and make them happy. I want to give them the world and be there for them. All I see lately is people in relationships based on money, sex, and whats convient for themselves. Maybe i'm the only one left who believes in true love. Or even the idea of Love. Love to me is looking at someone you just have seen for the first time and feeling in your heart, this is the person. And as they gaze back into your eyes they feel the same about you. Overall, I consider myself a Pocket Cub and embrace the community of big fuzzy boys who accept me for who I am. A lot of people think I hate the Bear Community and I don't, what I don't like is hateful words they have towards people who don't fit the mold of what they consider a Bear is. Anyways, its getting late here. I feel like sometime soon, maybe tomorrow I will post more thoughts on what exactly i'm talking about. Thank you for listening to me.

-Dustin-

Skinny Puppy (In Solvent See), Paul Vs. Dustin (Dominion Dead), Time To Start A New Path...

Hey, yesterday I went to see Skinny Puppy on their 'In Solvent See' 2009 tour. It was at the Nokia Theater in Times Square. It was amazing, I went with my friends Paul and Edwin. I bought a Skinny Puppy Hat and Tour t-shirt. I had an awesome time, what I didn't notice was that a mosh pit was starting behind me. At some point I was pushed so hard that I fell on this poor girl, I apologized and she was like "Oh its okay!". The set list was sick, they started with Love In Vein (Last Rights-1992) and started to play older songs such as Addiction (Cleanse, Fold, & Manipulate-1987), Deadlines (Bites-1985), and Morpheus Laughing (Too Dark Park-1990). Ogre's costume was as disturbing as he usually makes it. He limped onto the stage using a walker and he looked menacing in his new costume. If you are a Skinny Puppy fan, new or old, I recommend seeing this tour.

Now after the concert, Paul was upset because of a few issues including Edwin stuffing his vinyl in Paul's bag, him moving to a location away from the pit (but ended up being in a pit of trustfund babies...ewwww), and me supposably having control over what Paul should be doing that night. Me and Paul are not talking now because of this, but to be honest, I am sorry about that fact that he did not have a good night and I never meant to make him feel left out but first of all, I never told him to move. I told him he can be where ever he wants to be. I told him when I got the tickets like three month ago that I wanted to get front row area, he said he didn't want to be there so he had no problem with me being there. So what happened? Did you suddenly have a problem with it? Because we were clear, I would be in the front. I never told you to move to the right, and I never told you anything. Edwin told you to move because you were carrying his vinyl which by the way, Edwin should have taken responsability for the vinyl he bought. He shouldn't have dumped it on you and I agree that is wrong but what the hell does that have to do with me? Did I give him permission to put it in your bag. No. You did. You said it was okay so you should take responsability for you actions. I am sick of trying to make everyone happy and apparently it shows here. At this point I should also state that Dominion Alliance is either on hold or its dead if this can't get resolved between me and Paul. To me that's fine because right now I have to focus on my own issues because I am not gonna dwell on this unfortunate incident.

And this brings me to the final part of this blog entry, yesterday, after the whole Paul incident, I decided that I am focusing too much time and energy on Facebook, Myspace, and Bear411. I was being consumed by negative comments from certain people on there and I have been very rude and open minded in my responses to them. I tried to take a break but ended up going back on there a few days later because of the fact that I keep in touch with all my friends on there. I deleted them all yesterday and feel like a weight has been dropped off me and I have friends that I will keep in touch from my Facebook, Myspace, and Bear411 through e-mail and phone. For now I have to focus on getting myself better. I am gonna be very open about this right now because some people might not understand how I will work on myself. I have been off of my medication for a year now. When I decided to stop taking my meds for Schizoaffective Disorder I felt I could handle it and for the time I actually did. But now I realize that I have been very aggressive with people, I have been very hurtful to some people including guys I wish to have gotten to know better. Which is why I need to go back on my medication, and start working towards something better for myself. I am upset at the thought that now some of these people think that I am just this mean and crazy person. I am not. And I don't want to be that person. I want to be someone that you can trust and come to if you need to talk or just need a go friend by your side. I don't wanna be this evil bitch that will talk down to you and walk all over you. So for now, I will be off of all that, focusing on going to school so I can get a degree in Data Entry so I can get a better job, and get myself an apartment of my own. After work, I am suppose to meet with Elliott at Fountain House about where I should begin on my transition. I will blog later about what happened but for now, time to do the mail run. Again, and to anyone I have hurt or pissed of with what I have done or said. I apologize and hope in time as I get better that you can forgive me and come to trust me again.

-Dustin-

The GaGa Kermit Massacre, Time Away From Facebook, Friday's Can't Make A Salad...

Hey everyone, the sign of the apocalypse has come. I actually like the song "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa, and if you are one of my friends you will know that I can't stand Lady GaGa. I just like how it was produced and the music is catchy. But this by no means will mean that I will pick up her album "The Fame". I just have no interest in Lady GaGa, she lost me at the mutilation of Kermit the Frog. I mean Miss Piggy must be totally pissed off for Ms. GaGa killing not only Kermit the Frog but her entire family. Oh well, PETA didn't care, instead they gave her an award for it, guess PETA only cares about fur coats and not muppet coats, racist bastards...

I recently decided to take a break from Facebook because all I have noticed on the site was drama, drama, and more drama. I'm very sick of hearing about everyone's problems and plus, I have had enough of people getting in contact with me on there and then totally disappearing or standing me up. The guy I thought i'd further get to know and possibly romantically become involved with ended today because since Saturday, Krystofer wanted time alone. I gave him his space and was on Facebook on Sunday and noticed he was online and playing around on Farmville or whatever application he was playing. Anyways,I just commented on him coming back and all he says is "I'm fine...". So I sent him a personal message to let him know that I hope he's okay and that we can talk soon. I text him the next day saying Good morning. Nothing still. Then on Tuesday I felt like he was just ignoring me at this point so I decided to delete both him and CJ for not getting back to me. I mean if you are so busy then why do you have time to play Farmville and Bejeweled but no time to send me a text saying "I am busy, we will talk soon..." is that so hard to ask for? I guess it is because even after the voicemails I sent them both stating that I won't be making anymore calls after this they STILL never called me back. Its fine, its over now, and I feel better because i'm seriously sick of people who are not reliable. Lets just say that if I was about to die, I wouldn't call you.

I saw my mother yesterday, it was very nice, went out to Long Island after I finished work. My sister came home early, she has been sick with some kind of viral infection, so she hasn't been really active. We decided to go to Friday's, so we got our food and my mother's salad was like just leaves, nothing else, no chicken, nothing else in it. So we called over the waitress and was like "Where's the rest of it?!". She brought over a few things but it was like massacred by the time we were done looking through the salad. It was a mess. My food was alright, I didn't really care for it. All in all, Friday's is nothing like it used to be. Now I understand why we along with like two other families were the only ones in there. Afterwards we watched some videos from the past that I made and my mother couldn't believe how we all looked. It was like another world to both of us. But I had a great time visiting her, I hope to do it again sometime. I don't get out to Long Island very much but I do enjoy when i'm out there. I remember so many things when I was there but at the same time, I realize that i'm not the same person I was when I was out there. I have grown and matured since then, and its just so interesting to see and feel the difference. Even when I see and hangout with people I was friends with on Long Island when I was much younger its just like a rush of memories. I hope I can come out to LI again soon. Anyways, its getting very late here so i'm gonna head to bed now. I will update again soon. Seeya.

-Dustin-

Submerged Memories Update, Where Is Your CJ?, Meat for Shane...

Hey everyone. Actually writing this blog from the Staten Island ferry. This past weekend i've been working on reworking and doing some vocal work for Submerged Memories. So far the stuff is coming out amazing and my vocal takes are coming out in only a few takes so im very excited. I have always wanted to release these demos and now I will be. I really hope my fans apprieciate this as more then likely I will be releasing it for free. So in more stuff, I still haven't heard back from CJ. I hate when he cant call me back. It make me worry when he's just fine. He and I need to discuss this because something is wrong. I dont know if this has to do with my "love-hate" relationship with Shane, but i hope it doesnt. Speaking of which, I wonder why we are like this? I don't hate Shane, I just dont how he treats me. I personally feel like with him that im just a piece of meat. I don't want to feel that way and I would love to sit down and talk with him about it. I dont think hes a bad guy. Anyways, were about to dock at South Ferry. I will blog again soon. Seeya! -Dustin-

Fickle Shitty Weekend & Dominion Alliance-11 Tracks Confirmed

Hey everyone, okay i'm a bit in a bad mood today, its Saturday now and I have been talking to a friend named CJ Stryker who was suppose to hangout with me either on Wednesday if he came into the city which he didn't. So he said he might be able to hang on Friday when he was in the city...well where's the phone call? Where's the text? I haven't heard SHIT from him yet. Mind you this is not the first time he has done this. I think I am being very nice because I have let this pass like three times prior to this. Well now i'm just fed up with it because I have been sitting in this fucking boring ass apartment all weekend! Anyways, besides all this drama, I have recently been informed that its going around that I am "Fickle", which means that I am changing my opinions or friends frequently which means where my loyalties lie. Personally, I am very truthful with how I feel, if I upset someone I will apologize for upsetting them but I will stand by what I said unless I said it in a moment of anger. It is very hard for me to seriously consider that what I do is to hurt someone else because I don't. I would never want to hurt someone else. I treat everyone with respect unless they are treating me otherwise. I think its very sad that people feel the need to come at me or go behind me to hurt me when I haven't done anything to them. And if they feel I did then why can't they come to me and tell me what happened? That way we can sort it out like mature grown people.

I worked with Paul on Dominion Alliance music this past Thursday and we decided after my roommate complained about not being able to sleep when we work together so we are going to only work on Thursdays. Monday is now gone. It should be fine because we have two songs to finish. One of them is a solo track Paul is working on himself and then theirs the last track which we are working on together. The last track is very interesting because we have this concept to have and extremely long track end off the album. The song will change at points in the song but its kinda like a second album on the last track. I am very pleased with the direction we are taking and we hope to work on lyrics when everything is finalized...

-Dustin-

Burning Heretic & Coil

Burning Heretic (C)DT.

Yesterday I was bored for Halloween and came out with this image. I made this image by merging an image of myself screaming and an image of flames. Personally I think its very interesting and at the same time it scares even me. To me it represents 'Rage'. Me coming out of the flame or becoming the flames. I would like to hear your feed back on what you think of this picture.

I am gonna be heading to bed soon, been listening to Coil. I have never heard their stuff before but I really like it. Its very different, its like art to me, something no one can replicate and something that can withstand the claws of time. Their music is truly unique and I hope one day, either in Dominion Alliance, or in my solo project I can create something as truly unique as Coil's body of work.

And on that note, I am gonna finish eating and head to bed here. Everyone have a great night!

-Dustin-

Dominion Alliance-10 Confirmed Tracks, Halloween 2009, Krystofer...

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Been busy for the past couple of days. On Friday, I was busy as hell with work and FINALLY somehow got my paycheck. Still i didn't have enough to do anything Halloween this year. Oh well, theirs always next year. I worked with Paul that night on more Dominion Alliance music which was nice. We pretty much now have ten confirmed tracks for the album. We created the title track and so far I think thats our most gothic track on the album. I am loving the album so far and I hope we continue to make more awesome music. I have so many ideas now for music videos, for album art, the possibilities are endless... I am also excited about what our image for this album will be. I just can't wait when we start promoting it and doing live shows and such. At the moment I am reworking a track that I did myself for the album. It is a slow ballad and i decided to make it a song where I actually sing instead of it being an instrumental for the album.

On Saturday or should I say "Halloween 2009", i just stayed in a relaxed. I was invited to some parties but I didn't wanna go because I didn't have the money and if I went I would feel weird being the only one not in costume. Plus, i have just been out of it the past few weekends. So instead I just relaxed, watched some horror movies, and just hung out. I will definately plan for next year so I can make an awesome outfit. I already have a few ideas and now I can save up and get a really crazy outfit I hope!

In the past two weeks I started talking to a guy who I was friends on Facebook with for a while. His name is Krystofer, we have so much in common its scary. We get along very well and have talk almost everyday since we started talking. I am really starting to enjoy talking with him and we are planning to meet early next year so I can finally go on a date with him.

I have to get going now but I will update soon. Seeya later everyone.

-Dustin-