Hey everyone, finally talked to Elliott today. I worked out a plan pretty much with him. Either next week or the week after I have to sign up for Medicade again, but this time doing something where you sign up for it and pay a small fee. After that I will continue my job in the meantime and save money for school. Plus, after consulting Mike we are considering getting a two bedroom apartment. I have my privacy and he has his, so hopefully that would work. I will start work on it next week.
This weekend I have decided to dedicate to reworking songs on my debut album "Forest Of Memories" for its rerelease when I start releasing my albums on CDBaby hopefully at the end of this year. This version of Forest Of Memories will be Version 2 and will be the OFFICIAL version. The first one if some people still have it will be the original demo version. I will be working on some of the tracks, adding new ones. I might take a few out but I will try to leave the album as unmolested as possible. Have to do some vocal work as well for the album so i'm excited to go back to this album. Its one of my favorites I have ever done and I had tons of fun making this album. And the greatest part is that when I release them I will be supporting them fully with music videos and working on doing some live gigs for Forest Of Memories.
I was listening to a song I did on Forest Of Memories called "Feed The Bears" which starts with bearish grunts. At first when I made the song I thought it was perfect, but now I don't feel that way. I feel like I am an outsider trying to fit into their standards of what a 'Bear' should be. I don't see why they are so mean. For anyone who doesn't know what a 'Bear' is. In the gay world, guys who are big and hairy are considered Bears. Usually they have traits of masculinity and are blue collar looking guys. Thats what I thought it was. Lately, what I have seen is like a contest of who is the hottest, the biggest, the hairiest guy! I fail at all three. I would be considered a Pocket Cub in the community since I am young and husky/moderately hairy (Cub) and I am also short in height (Pocket). I personally feel that guys who look like that are very cute, very handsome. I want to be with someone like that, someone who is bigger than I am, I feel like they can embrace me. Protect me of sorts. I am friends with guys who look like this. So of those guys I am friends with I like more than just a friend but they aren't interested in me. I wonder if their is something wrong with me. Something about the way I look or something I am unable to give to them. Sometimes, like tonight, I feel very lonely. I have a lot of self esteem for myself but sometime I just get down. I just want to be next to someone and make them happy. I want to give them the world and be there for them. All I see lately is people in relationships based on money, sex, and whats convient for themselves. Maybe i'm the only one left who believes in true love. Or even the idea of Love. Love to me is looking at someone you just have seen for the first time and feeling in your heart, this is the person. And as they gaze back into your eyes they feel the same about you. Overall, I consider myself a Pocket Cub and embrace the community of big fuzzy boys who accept me for who I am. A lot of people think I hate the Bear Community and I don't, what I don't like is hateful words they have towards people who don't fit the mold of what they consider a Bear is. Anyways, its getting late here. I feel like sometime soon, maybe tomorrow I will post more thoughts on what exactly i'm talking about. Thank you for listening to me.
-Dustin-
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