Hey everyone, I saw Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D today. It was amazing, Milla Jovovich did an awesome job as always. The film's stunning 3D visuals and constant carnage makes it a must see for fans of the Resident Evil series and fans of the film series. I went with my roommate Adam, and our friend David. We all had a great time and hungout afterwards at David's place where he hooked up the Wii. David and myself played Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles, we played through the Resident Evil Zero part and were so exhausted after that. Then I played Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, which to much of my dislike played pretty well but to be honest, the game felt very unlike Silent Hill. The combat system is completely ripped from this game and its a "re-imaging" of Silent Hill for the Playstation. To be honest, I think the reimage was very off, it feels weird and personally i'm very sick of all these Silent Hill titles being released now since they are made by no name fifth party developers. Silent Hill should be created by the team that did it best, Team Silent. My message to them is get over your shit, deal with your differences and just make another game. The fans are sick of these crappy titles, nothing compares to how awesome Silent Hill 1-2-3-4 was. After that the games are few and far between.
I've been writing new lyrics based on recent feelings i've had, I currently have no equipment to compose them in to song form but lyrics are good for now so I can capture how i'm feeling now. The lyrics are pretty raw and outspoken but in a way I have not done before. I've only written three songs which are titled "Therapy", "Hate Me", and "Beyond The Limits". I intend to write more and see what else I can make.
As for right now, i'm going to go lay down, i'm currently recovering from a fucked up asthma attack which is completely stuffed my nose so i'm gonna lay down and try to rest. Have a goodnight everyone.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A Road To Nowhere...
Okay so just to let everyone know before this blog entry starts that its going to be brutal and full of a lot of anger and stress that i've been feeling and if you are like every other faggot in the world who only cares about themselves and doesn't want to think about someone else for a second and tell them that things will be okay, then you should close this page out and go back to your pretend life with Ken and your dream house.
Okay so let me start off saying that i'm very stressed out. I have been trying to make things work over here and last night I had a very bad night. Adam who I moved in with took me to pick some thing up at Meijers and while we were there I made just a sweet comment about him that was just me being playful and he acted all weird and offended and said to me "I just don't like you like that." That is completely fine with me but I knew that a week ago and I was just making a joke and giving him a compliment. I told him "That's fine, but don't take it like I put a ring on your finger, and tied you to the bed for all eternity for me". So now its been kinda weird between us. I get the feeling that I am not what he expected and I feel I should have listened to my friend about not getting involved with him until I was finanically stable here. But now i'm not and I have us being awkward towards each other to face and its my fault. So now i'm gonna try and go out tomorrow in a last ditch effort to apply for every job I can within walking distance no matter how bad it may seem. But it gets better, on Monday, a friend who I met online who has been talking to me wanted to meet up and hangout. So I said yes and as soon as he drove up in to the drive way I knew things were bad. He must of aged twenty to thirty years from his current pictures. He was this old pudgy man and for some fucked up reason instead of turning around and going back in to the house I went with him. From the moment I got in to the car till I came back home, he pretty much was all over me and begging me to be his HUSBAND, yes, forget the boyfriend status, and to be his son, in a daddy/son relationship. Or in this case, a grandpa/son relationship. So after I got home, I felt completely gross and disgusting and tried to tell Adam who didn't have much to say. Then I tried telling others who also didn't have much to say, some said I was "dumping it on them" and some said "ah" and then nothing else. The sad part was, that was not the only thing bothering me and if that was a problem for them to hear then i'm sorry to burst the bubble in the world of positivity and perfection but I AM NOT PERFECT and I after going through the massive amount of shit in my life needed just someone to sit there and tell me it wasn't my fault and that i'm fine and a good person. Thank you to Paul and Craig for doing that for me. I also understand that some people take things differently than others but I was just upset and looking for someone to talk to. If you are gonna be a friend to someone you should know that you will have to talk to them through the good and the bad times and if you can't handle that then you need to figure out why that is because thats not good. If you can't handle someone else telling you their problems then how can you handle yours? Now on to another matter, I am coming to the realization that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, besides music which I can't make a living on. I tried to think of a career for myself and I can't think of anything i'd like to do. I don't know if that is a problem or if that makes me a waste of time but I just feel very lost at the moment. I just moved to a new place, with new people and new experiences, and I was having a good time till reality set in. I need a job, and fast. I need to drive, and fast. And I need to start making money and saving it. Its really set in for me and I guess i'm just scared to go out because I don't know this place and I don't know what the people are like but if I don't move then I will make matters worse than they already are and I don't want to do that. I want to do something to better myself and push me towards a future where I can be happy and hopefully find what I want to do with my life. My problem is as well that I care more about others than I do myself so thats why I get hurt a lot. I put my faith in people and end up getting hurt because they can't keep a promise or they lie to me. I've been trying to care more about myself but I just don't seem to be that type of person. This doesn't mean I don't care about myself, its just means I place more importance in others and their needs. I enjoy making others happy before myself. Also I feel I must report on this while i'm feeling it now, for some reason I get so mad when I see someone I like find someone that makes them happy where i could not. It makes me mad that I can't make someone happy or have someone of my own who "loves" me for who I am unconditionally and I love them unconditionally. At this point, most people who find an interest in me I feel I disappoint, I don't know why. Maybe its just not the right time, I feel like saying to those people, if you really want me, show me. I shouldn't have to chase after something you won't give me anyways. If you really want me, then you should ask me out on a date, ask me to go to dinner, a movie, and a romantic night under the stars (if that doesn't make you sick hearing it all at once). Then i'll take you seriously because as far as i'm concerned, i'm not looking. When someone finds me and does that, then i'll be open, till then, i'm keeping my heart to myself so it can heal.
So talking about all this pent up stuff has given me the need to make music, problem is I can't at the moment because I have no equipment. When I left New York I left the Mac I had there as well and now I will have to try and get a new one after all of this stuff has worked out which I hope it does. I've been in a mood to make something representative of how I feel right now which is very dark, moody, and very experimental. I want it to sound like something i've never done before, something that even for me to produce in a live setting would be hard, something that could sound revolutionary and within its one genre. But again, it will have to wait till I get another Mac and equipment with it.
I thank anyone that listen to me rant today but I needed to get out how i've been feeling and I hope you all understand how I feel and will send your support for me as I truly need it now. Thank you.
Okay so let me start off saying that i'm very stressed out. I have been trying to make things work over here and last night I had a very bad night. Adam who I moved in with took me to pick some thing up at Meijers and while we were there I made just a sweet comment about him that was just me being playful and he acted all weird and offended and said to me "I just don't like you like that." That is completely fine with me but I knew that a week ago and I was just making a joke and giving him a compliment. I told him "That's fine, but don't take it like I put a ring on your finger, and tied you to the bed for all eternity for me". So now its been kinda weird between us. I get the feeling that I am not what he expected and I feel I should have listened to my friend about not getting involved with him until I was finanically stable here. But now i'm not and I have us being awkward towards each other to face and its my fault. So now i'm gonna try and go out tomorrow in a last ditch effort to apply for every job I can within walking distance no matter how bad it may seem. But it gets better, on Monday, a friend who I met online who has been talking to me wanted to meet up and hangout. So I said yes and as soon as he drove up in to the drive way I knew things were bad. He must of aged twenty to thirty years from his current pictures. He was this old pudgy man and for some fucked up reason instead of turning around and going back in to the house I went with him. From the moment I got in to the car till I came back home, he pretty much was all over me and begging me to be his HUSBAND, yes, forget the boyfriend status, and to be his son, in a daddy/son relationship. Or in this case, a grandpa/son relationship. So after I got home, I felt completely gross and disgusting and tried to tell Adam who didn't have much to say. Then I tried telling others who also didn't have much to say, some said I was "dumping it on them" and some said "ah" and then nothing else. The sad part was, that was not the only thing bothering me and if that was a problem for them to hear then i'm sorry to burst the bubble in the world of positivity and perfection but I AM NOT PERFECT and I after going through the massive amount of shit in my life needed just someone to sit there and tell me it wasn't my fault and that i'm fine and a good person. Thank you to Paul and Craig for doing that for me. I also understand that some people take things differently than others but I was just upset and looking for someone to talk to. If you are gonna be a friend to someone you should know that you will have to talk to them through the good and the bad times and if you can't handle that then you need to figure out why that is because thats not good. If you can't handle someone else telling you their problems then how can you handle yours? Now on to another matter, I am coming to the realization that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, besides music which I can't make a living on. I tried to think of a career for myself and I can't think of anything i'd like to do. I don't know if that is a problem or if that makes me a waste of time but I just feel very lost at the moment. I just moved to a new place, with new people and new experiences, and I was having a good time till reality set in. I need a job, and fast. I need to drive, and fast. And I need to start making money and saving it. Its really set in for me and I guess i'm just scared to go out because I don't know this place and I don't know what the people are like but if I don't move then I will make matters worse than they already are and I don't want to do that. I want to do something to better myself and push me towards a future where I can be happy and hopefully find what I want to do with my life. My problem is as well that I care more about others than I do myself so thats why I get hurt a lot. I put my faith in people and end up getting hurt because they can't keep a promise or they lie to me. I've been trying to care more about myself but I just don't seem to be that type of person. This doesn't mean I don't care about myself, its just means I place more importance in others and their needs. I enjoy making others happy before myself. Also I feel I must report on this while i'm feeling it now, for some reason I get so mad when I see someone I like find someone that makes them happy where i could not. It makes me mad that I can't make someone happy or have someone of my own who "loves" me for who I am unconditionally and I love them unconditionally. At this point, most people who find an interest in me I feel I disappoint, I don't know why. Maybe its just not the right time, I feel like saying to those people, if you really want me, show me. I shouldn't have to chase after something you won't give me anyways. If you really want me, then you should ask me out on a date, ask me to go to dinner, a movie, and a romantic night under the stars (if that doesn't make you sick hearing it all at once). Then i'll take you seriously because as far as i'm concerned, i'm not looking. When someone finds me and does that, then i'll be open, till then, i'm keeping my heart to myself so it can heal.
So talking about all this pent up stuff has given me the need to make music, problem is I can't at the moment because I have no equipment. When I left New York I left the Mac I had there as well and now I will have to try and get a new one after all of this stuff has worked out which I hope it does. I've been in a mood to make something representative of how I feel right now which is very dark, moody, and very experimental. I want it to sound like something i've never done before, something that even for me to produce in a live setting would be hard, something that could sound revolutionary and within its one genre. But again, it will have to wait till I get another Mac and equipment with it.
I thank anyone that listen to me rant today but I needed to get out how i've been feeling and I hope you all understand how I feel and will send your support for me as I truly need it now. Thank you.
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