A Moth To A Flame

Am I like a Moth to a Flame? Why do I keep coming back to something that keeps hurting me? I ask myself these questions after a weekend at a local Bear event. Since I moved to New York City a couple of years ago I considered myself part of the Bear Community, a community of men who are larger or hairier or just admire that type of look. Originally the community was created for people who didn't fit in to a particular stereotype and wanted a safe place to feel accepted. That meaning has all but dissolved from what I've seen. I feel I don't fit the particular standard of what the community asks for. I am not large enough, I am certainly not hairy enough, I don't drink to the point of being loose in all the wrong ways, I am not super butch. Seems I have all the odds against me and I just wonder why I even try anymore. I just want people to like me for who I am and if I can't get it from some over sized fan club gone bad then whatever. I'm tired of being at parties and feeling like a shadow that no one sees until I'm in their way. I'm tired of labeling myself for the benefit of others just so they can tear me apart later about how I'm "not like them". I don't want to fight in a popularity contest I didn't enter. I just want to have a great time with some like minded people who don't want to cause drama. And I'd like to just point out that I know its not everyone in the community who is responsible but you don't seem to be doing anything about the state of those issues so I guess things just won't change. That is fine with me because I don't consider myself part of that community anymore, I've tried and tried to be open and accepting of it but I'm tired of being nice and instead of going down to their level and making myself look bad, I just choose just not be involved with bad company. I'd rather be in the company of people I can trust and relate to, who won't say things about me behind my back, who will disregard my feelings and take advantage of my boyfriend, and who will be there for me no matter what happens. I'm not sure how this is going to affect other things in my life, I am not sure if I am keeping the current name of our show "Bears On The Coast" as it is since I no longer associate with it. We will see what happens.