I've been kinda depressed as of late, those thoughts of worthlessness have returned, my self loathing and anger towards others has also returned. Its strange, a lot of the feelings I use to have when I was in New York have returned. I just remember being so angry at everything and trying to understand why. I know i'm just feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for the failure of "relationship" with Joey, and feeling out of touch with everything. I feel trapped inside this house, no one to see outside these walls so I remain in this cage. People tell me to go out and meet others or to just take a walk and currently neither one feels appealing to me. I understand their good intentions, I just feel uncomfortable at places like that. Walking does help me but lately its just reminded me of walking in my own shoes, remembering walking down snow filled streets being homeless and feeling like I was free falling without anyone to catch me. The month i've been having has stripped me of the armor I usually have to protect me from these feelings but the streak of bad luck i've had this month just chipped away at it till I was left bare. I now feel everything pretty deep and i'm trying to make sense of thing. Trying to guide myself back to a sense of self, where I know what I want and who I am because at the moment I feel lost. Because i've been feeling a lot lately, i've been writing a lot of poems/lyrics and composing a lot of new music. I'm hoping this will help me to heal as music has always been a place of healing and therapy for me. Releasing the darkness from within myself.
