I've been scared to write new music, I believe its because I tried to lean in to making music more frequently and while I wish I could release songs and albums more often, it just wasn't coming out of me. I also believe my song "Last" has become a casualty of that, I would like to re-record that track for the album I plan to do but I feel I really rushed that song out and it wasn't ready to go out. I really want to take my time with my music and make it the best I can and if that means I pull a Fiona Apple then oh well then that is that. I don't want to release music that doesn't feel done to me and I feel like I really need to take my time going forward so I am going to slow down and work at my own pace. I think I pushed myself to do this just because most people are pushing out music really fast now so I wanted to do that but I can't. I need to do what is best for me.
I also haven't been in the best place as of late, I am having lots of mini and full blown panic attacks. Its due to all of the stress of everything happening in America right now, I can't handle watching the news or even going outside. I just don't feel safe anymore and people just scare me so I am a hermit now I guess. I only go out to pick up groceries and that's about it. I have looked in to finding a therapist because I need to start going back to therapy, I can't deal with all of this shit and I need someone other than myself to make sense of all of this shit and help guide me through it all so I can process how I'm suppose to deal with it all. I could talk about Trump, I could talk about the assassination of Charlie Kirk, I could talk about how rainbow sidewalks are being erased everywhere and people are being arrested, I could talk about Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert having their shows cancelled, I could talk about all of that stuff but I don't want to because its fucking exhausting and it just makes me feel crazy and like the world is going mad and people have just lost their minds and I don't know how I am suppose to live in a world where everyone is psychotic now and just want to hurt each other. It brings me to an extremely dark place I don't want to be in and I know I can't avoid it forever but I need to find a way to deal with it all without just wanting to disappear.
Lets talk about something positive since I've been talking about negatives since I started writing this. I finally managed after years and years of trying, I beat Demon's Souls. I had such a hard time getting my head around that game, its way slower than the other Soulsborne games, World Tendency can completely screw up your game if you don't know how it works and some enemies are only weak to certain weapons so you can't just use one weapon for the whole game. It really baffled me when I first started playing it but I sat down a month ago with the Demon's Souls Remake on PS5 and really pushed myself to try to finish it this time and I noticed the first half of the game is way harder than the latter half and maybe that is because you really need to power level so you have an easier time like I did. I also did a lot of farming for materials so I could upgrade my weapon which made a lot of difference in my playthrough. Now I am tempted to play the original of PS3 and see if I can get through that just like I did with the remake.
