Things falling apart...

My life and I have officially fallen apart, I hope everyone is happy who pushed me to this point. You win. I don't care anymore. I just don't care anymore.

What lead to this?

Lets start with the letter I received telling me that I will need to switch off of "Biktarvy" which is the HIV medication I take currently. Apparently, Florida doesn't want to pay anymore for that medication, so they are going to have to switch me to something else. I have also read that they want to stop patients from taking Descovy which I NEED to take because Truvada effects my liver too harshly. I have ended up in the hospital once after taking Triumeq for a few years. At some point, it stopped working for me, and I had a severe reaction to it with my liver. My doctor can't put me on medications that use Truvada as a base. If they put me back on Truvada, I could very well end up in the hospital again so I am scared of that.

I also needed to renew my Food Stamps and that has completely changed now. I have been receiving Food Stamps since 2010 and now they changed how that works despite nothing having changed with my disability, I have to get a letter telling them what is wrong with me which I have no issues doing but the Alachua County Health Department is basically acting like I never mentioned being disabled in the entire time I have been there despite years and years of them asking me about them when I come for visits so they can put it in my file. So they have been dragging their feet so much so that I still haven't got the paperwork and I missed the date I needed to get the paperwork in so my Food Stamps have been terminated for this month. I am still going to try to get the letter regardless because I need to have it since the government wants to make me jump through hoops now and actively make me feel like shit about something I struggle with each and every day and can't control.

So what do I struggle with? Physically I have Fibromyalgia which fluctuates day to day but I am ALWAYS IN PAIN. It never stops and it's only when I talk about my pain that it's unbearable. I am currently dealing with untreated Diabetes which I try to deal with by going for walks everyday so I can physically lose some weight as well as dietary changes I have made but its still pretty bad and I find myself getting tired a lot. I have tried Ozempic and it made me gain weight and nauseous all the time so I was told I can't take GLP-1 medications. I may have to take insulin. That might be the next step.

Mentally is where I have most of my problems. I suffer from Major Depression, General and Social Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia has creeped in to my life within the last year. I don't feel safe leaving the house, and when I try to leave, I feel intense fear and nausea overtake me. A lot of it comes from the current administration, people in general just being horrible which lately is a majority of people and now I can add how I am being treated by Florida's government to the list. I am also a recovering Meth addict, I go to 12 step meetings and I have a sponsor.

I am terrified that our current administration is doing this because they want to see people like me who are poor and unable to help themselves suffer and die because society feels it would be better if we were not "burdening" them anymore by simply existing. Everyday I struggle to keep myself together, just to be okay for today and it doesn't help when people feel that I shouldn't exist because I am "leeching" off of the system. I want to work, I want to be normal, I want to not feel the way I do or struggle everyday with what I do. Trust me I do, I wish I could go work a 9 to 5 job and get a paycheck and be financially stable. I want to go out and have friends and not be scared of leaving the house. I want to not be physically in pain every waking moment. I don't want to have panic attacks everyday, unable to breathe, heart beating out of my chest, wondering if I am going to die right then and there.

BUT I CAN'T...

I just can't, for years I have tried to do everything I can and I just can't do it, I know what my limitations are. The life I have now is that I simply exist and it sucks because I want to live, I want to thrive and because of all of my issues I just can't. So I do what I can to try to normalize my life. I push myself to work on creative projects like video editing and music creative to express myself, it gives me a job to do. The days where I struggle the most I stay in bed and just try to work through it. I am doing everything in my power and in my being to just be okay. I know people don't understand how hard that is sometimes, you have not lived in my shoes. Just simply being alive one day at a time tells me I am strong. I wish I was stronger though, I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this.

I want to take a second to thank all of my friends over the last few days who have reached out to me and tried to give me links and phone numbers of organizations I can call and try to make this journey less of a struggle. You all are amazing and I am fortunate to have you all as friends despite sometimes not being able to be there for you all because of my issues. It gives me some peace to know I have people out there who care about me when I struggle to care about myself somedays.

I said above that I don't care anymore, that is how hopeless it feels right now. I am scared of what the future holds, but I will not back down, I need to stay strong and do what I can to fight this fight.

Whats is the point?

 So recently an AI musician called Breaking Rust has ended up on the music charts and its made me ask myself why I even bother making music in the first place. I have been working on ass off since 2005 making music that I would hope someone who is struggling in life could listen to and identify with. I haven't been able to get so much as a soul to listen to my music in all that time, its like pulling teeth. Either my music is complete shit or people just want to listen to garbage with no soul in it. I have no idea, I have wanted to write a new album but now I question if I even should. What is the point? I really am not sure what to do, I may just take a break from music maybe. Who knows but I don't have the drive to push myself when no one cares and I've been doing this for a while now so maybe thats it. Maybe theirs nothing more to write since no one cares. Sorry for the short blog entry but not much going on, struggling to get the money together for food and everything else. Thanks Trump, life is shit, we don't go out, we don't do anything anymore. The next 4 years of our lives are going to just be wasted because an orange turd and a bunch of cruel people want to see other suffer. Its fucking bullshit and the people of this country are bullshit and deserve everything they are getting right now. I hope for the day that people are better and know better but for now I think we have a lot of growing to do before we ever get there.

Scared to Write Music, Becoming a Hermit & Beating Demon's Souls

I've been scared to write new music, I believe its because I tried to lean in to making music more frequently and while I wish I could release songs and albums more often, it just wasn't coming out of me. I also believe my song "Last" has become a casualty of that, I would like to re-record that track for the album I plan to do but I feel I really rushed that song out and it wasn't ready to go out. I really want to take my time with my music and make it the best I can and if that means I pull a Fiona Apple then oh well then that is that. I don't want to release music that doesn't feel done to me and I feel like I really need to take my time going forward so I am going to slow down and work at my own pace. I think I pushed myself to do this just because most people are pushing out music really fast now so I wanted to do that but I can't. I need to do what is best for me.

I also haven't been in the best place as of late, I am having lots of mini and full blown panic attacks. Its due to all of the stress of everything happening in America right now, I can't handle watching the news or even going outside. I just don't feel safe anymore and people just scare me so I am a hermit now I guess. I only go out to pick up groceries and that's about it. I have looked in to finding a therapist because I need to start going back to therapy, I can't deal with all of this shit and I need someone other than myself to make sense of all of this shit and help guide me through it all so I can process how I'm suppose to deal with it all. I could talk about Trump, I could talk about the assassination of Charlie Kirk, I could talk about how rainbow sidewalks are being erased everywhere and people are being arrested, I could talk about Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert having their shows cancelled, I could talk about all of that stuff but I don't want to because its fucking exhausting and it just makes me feel crazy and like the world is going mad and people have just lost their minds and I don't know how I am suppose to live in a world where everyone is psychotic now and just want to hurt each other. It brings me to an extremely dark place I don't want to be in and I know I can't avoid it forever but I need to find a way to deal with it all without just wanting to disappear.

Lets talk about something positive since I've been talking about negatives since I started writing this. I finally managed after years and years of trying, I beat Demon's Souls. I had such a hard time getting my head around that game, its way slower than the other Soulsborne games, World Tendency can completely screw up your game if you don't know how it works and some enemies are only weak to certain weapons so you can't just use one weapon for the whole game. It really baffled me when I first started playing it but I sat down a month ago with the Demon's Souls Remake on PS5 and really pushed myself to try to finish it this time and I noticed the first half of the game is way harder than the latter half and maybe that is because you really need to power level so you have an easier time like I did. I also did a lot of farming for materials so I could upgrade my weapon which made a lot of difference in my playthrough. Now I am tempted to play the original of PS3 and see if I can get through that just like I did with the remake.

Recurring Nightmares and Mental Health

 

I can't sleep, two nights in a row I have had a recurring nightmare of an old woman who curses me and then chases after me always catching up to me eventually. In both dreams at some point I realize as I am running that I am dreaming and able to start flying or use powers I wouldn't otherwise because in a dream I can do whatever I want. I try to fight again her in both dreams and no matter how much I fight her I can't stop her and I wake up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I am now scared to fall asleep because as I lay there waiting to fall asleep my thoughts wander and I think about the dream, I can't get comfortable and I just haven't fallen asleep so I wanted to write about it hoping it would help. I have no idea what it could symbolize, I have been feeling overwhelmed but that's to be expected with how fucked up everything is right now. Not sure what I can do about it to try and relax, this may not sound healthy whenever I leave the house now I become ill, being around other people I am on edge and I am just terrified of people now. I just want to stay in my home and stay away from others, I don't mean stay away from friends or family. Just people I don't know, and I think it makes sense considering the cruelty that has become common place among people and the current administration. I fear for my life now every waking moment of everyday because of where our country is at and I feel like the best possible thing for me to do is maybe cut myself off from the outside world for the time being until things get better (if they get better) because I just can't handle anything right now. I hope one day that the world will return to sanity and common sense but until that time I need to just stay away from the human race because right now the human race feels like its actively trying to kill itself and I don't want to be around the chaos of that. People have become so selfish, egotistical, entitled and cruel that I just can't be around that behavior at all. It literally makes me crazy and because of how I think, I try to figure out why people act that way and honestly I don't think theirs an reason for it, I think people just want to behave like shit now because they can and its just gross to me.

Right now I am not seeing a therapist but I really wish I was, I used to go to Meridian but the people there treat mental illness like its a cold that you can get over in a year. I am not joking, literally they only see patients for a year, and then after that they review your case to see if you have the "tools" to handle things on your own after that... I mean if you know anything about mental health you know that is not how it works at all, some people need to see someone for a brief time to get themselves together, others like myself know that I am in this for the long haul. My mental illness will never go away and its just part of my life and I have to work with it, some days are good, some days are pure hell but to act like I'll just suddenly be able to never worry about Depression again, PTSD again or Anxiety is not reality. Not to mention they also wanted to force all of their patients in to "group sessions", I have told them that wouldn't work for me simply because of my social anxiety so putting me in a group would freak me out. They don't want to listen because they have a PhD so they think they know best. I wish I could find a therapist outside of Meridian to see, I think being able to talk to someone to help me process my thoughts would help. I don't see a psychiatrist and haven't for a long time, the reason for this is I believe I can manage my trauma with a therapist and not with medication, I have tried multiple times to treat with medication and the only medication that worked for me made me gain 200 pounds in 2 months. I really don't want to go back to that especially now that I have diabetes. The other reason I don't do medication is because of the side effects like weight gain and more, I also have found that I am unable to work on my art when I am medicated. It completely kills my creativity which if that is gone I have to ask myself, what is my purpose on this planet? If I can't make art and express myself then whats the point of being alive? So I choose to live with some of my pain for the sake of my art, but talking to a therapist would do wonders for my mental health.

I am still nervous to go to bed, I am going to try to put on some rain, sometimes that helps me to sleep better. Fingers crossed that I don't have that nightmare again.

Getting back to work, Resident Evil 4 HD Project & returning to Facebook

I finally streamed today, first time in like maybe 3-4 weeks. Its ridiculous but I was so sick from coming off the Ozempic that I just wasn't able to sit down and even play any video games. I was pretty much bedridden, I hate being able to not do anything. I feel like I need to constantly be doing things or working on projects, but I have taken a break to give myself some room to breathe and I feel like I am able to start getting back in to my creative projects. I already mentioned on here I listened to my tracks for the new updated version of Forest of Memories Vol. 1, I am gonna try to sit down later tonight and try to continue work on some of the tracks and see if I can adjust them and push them so they can be even better than what I have now. I also am hoping I can stream more of Alien Isolation either tonight if I don't work on music or tomorrow.

I picked up Resident Evil 4 on PC via Steam because I found this amazing Mod called HD Project and it basically takes the whole game, updates the textures, lighting, and does some bug fixes, they even went as far as designing new assets. If you would like to learn more please check out this website for more info, also the mod is free. https://re4hd.com/ I just started playing it and I am blown away by the amount of work went in to this.

I made a new Facebook account, not because I miss Facebook. No I did it mainly because I have some people on there who I would like to keep in contact with who I have not been able to stay in touch with since I left. I plan not to use Facebook like I did, I still prefer using Bluesky but also I would rather write how I feel on here because I feel I can actually express myself on here because when I try to do that on sites like Bluesky or Facebook no one understands and I get told "you aren't suppose to share how you feel on here". Who the fuck are you? Do you work for Bluesky/Facebook? No? Then shut the fuck up, if you don't like what I have to say then block me.

Doctor Quack, the Internet sucks now and starting work on Forest of Memories Vol. 1 Redux

I am finally off Ozempic, I literally was getting more and more nauseous and sick with every week that went by, what I didn't expect and what the doctor didn't warn me about was that a week after I went off Ozempic I basically became sick to any and all food. I was having non-stop diarrhea and vomiting that lasted for two weeks, only yesterday and today am I starting to feel a bit more normal. I guess my body had to adjust which I guess makes sense, just wish my doctor could have warned me about that, instead he told me that I would have zero side effects coming off of the Ozempic, bullshit. Also since we took me off Ozempic we put me on Glipizide but I have yet to start it because I found out that two of my medications have a serious interaction with Glipizide. Taking Metformin and Glipizide together will increase a risk of me experiencing hypoglycemia, while Metoprolol and Glipizide together will mask symptoms of hypoglycemia so I won't even know if I am having it... See why maybe I shouldn't go on it, so I need to make an appointment with "Doctor Quack" which is what I will be referring to my doctor as from now on and see what other options there are because I am not comfortable taking that medication.

I will probably be blogging more often from now on, I have found that Bluesky is just like Facebook, lots of people looking for attention and trying to be as loud and obnoxious as possible just to get that attention, also I am seeing just a surge in people getting cancelled. It makes me wonder if the people who are cancelling all these people are perfect because I'm sorry no one is perfect. We all do bad things from time to time and we as human beings need to learn and grow from our mistakes. These Cancel Culture people act like they came out of their mother's womb never have made any mistakes which is so completely delusional, no one is perfect and if we don't let people grow from their mistakes they will continue to make those mistakes. But I feel like I want to share more on here from now on because I can actually share how I feel and if no one reads this that is fine, I just can't do it on Bluesky anymore because its just an echo chamber of misery just like most of the internet has become these days. I remember when the internet was fun and wasn't trying to get you to buy a million things. What happened to that?

I sat down this evening and finally started work on Forest of Memories Vol. 1 Redux, I think I have just been hiding away and taking a break from working on stuff because I felt burned out. I didn't know what I wanted to do and honestly I needed to focus on my recovery which I am not at 10 months sober, the longest I have been sober since April of 2014. Its kind of crazy thinking about it but I feel like I am able to better handle things now, I am still a work in progress but things are better. Trying to decide what songs to actually bring over to the new reworked version. There's a lot of tracks that didn't make it on the first time and I have demos I am even considering putting at the end of the album. Its very fun and exciting to go back to my first album, see where my journey with music started. It feels right going back now since I am working on my recovery and its like I am relearning who Dustin is, seeing what hobbies I enjoy and if they have remained the same or if I have changed over the years. The only track I feel is done and perfect is "How it Feels to be Dead" which is actually the first song I ever wrote for Forest of Memories Vol. 1. Gonna work hard in the coming months to try and get this done for 2026 so I can meet the 15th Anniversary for the album.

Take my Bear Card & too anxious to Twitch Stream

Okay, so I needed some time to think about this, last Monday I had a guy come over to play and everything seemed fine until we started. He had some idea of me made up in his head and was getting mad at me for not being what he envisioned in his head, like he was upset that I was not more butch, controlling and dominate. I am none of those things, nor have I ever expressed to be any of those things, I have always kind of been in a middle when it comes to butch and effeminate which is why I consider myself non-binary. I don't feel like I fit in to either of those and hearing him get mad at me just made me feel like complete and utter garbage. He kept being rude to me and getting mad at me the entire time he was here, I was being apologetic when in fact I should have just ejected his ass from my house, I don't need to explain myself to anyone especially some stupid faggot who is gonna put me in a box. Needless to say, it hurt me and it still is bothering me a week later, its made me uncomfortable with myself and with other men to the point where I don't even want to hook up now because I feel inadequate to be able to do so because I am not what anyone wants. Maybe I just need some time to get past this asshole, also I have my boyfriend but even with him, any man really I am just feeling like I am not good enough. Just take my "Bear Card" because I don't want it anymore.

I want to Twitch stream but every time I go to do so I chicken out, I am not sure what's going on. I think my social anxiety is totally taking over so yea maybe I just need to stream when I want to make content for my YouTube Channel because I don't want to force myself to do anything that is causing me distress. It just sucks because I want to do it more often and but my anxiety is just taking over and making me unable to do it.