Relapse Dream, 4 Years of Hell & Uploads for Dustin Studios

Just woke up and I had a pretty vivid "using dream" last night, I went to some guys house in the dream, he wasn't really attractive but I went because he had Meth and thats the real reason I went in the dream. I have done that in real life where I would go to have sex with some guys only because they had Meth and I didn't feel any attraction to them once so ever. He said we would have an hour to play and such so he handed me a shard and everytime I went to snort it something fucked up would happen like I wouldn't have the card to crush it up, I didn't have a straw to snort it, it would fall off the table. At some point I got annoyed and yelled at the guy and I grabbed a shard and went to the bathroom to do it, I was able to get that one done and I felt it a little bit but at the same time I was like "I want more" so I left the bathroom and the police were there and so were some people, it was fucking weird. But at that point I also realized it was a dream and that no matter how much I did of it I would never be satiated. It reminded me of the last time I used where I got an 8 ball but I believe he gave me way more than that, I ended up using for a week and half straight and that is very unusual for me because usually after 3 days I am over it and want to come down, not last time. I just wanted to keep going and needed more and was never satisfied. That scared me, thats why recovery is so important to me now. I'm glad that I was able to realize what the dream was, just my brain trying to get me to go back and I can't. I just can't anymore.

Since the election and the holidays I haven't felt like filming new Bears On The Coast material, since its a vlog about our lives I just don't feel like sharing our lives because well why? We are about to enter Hell and who knows how bad its going to be, also if you are different in any way shape or form basically the people who voted for Trump want you dead and it disturbs me that this is where we are in our country. I don't feel safe, I am scared for my life, for the life of my partner and my roommate, my friends and family. I am just scared and everyone else is acting like Question Hound right now, I have a very bad feeling about the next 4 years and I hope we can all make it through it.

Despite how I am feeling I have pushed myself to do a walkthrough of Dark Souls 1 Remastered, the first walkthrough I have ever done on my channel, I have also started to back up any live streams or old videos I have to my channel. I want the Dustin Studios channel to also be an archive for my previous work over the years, I plan to even put up some of my old Dustin Studios Volumes which were video tapes I made when I was a kid. I only have a few of them now and I've lost the rest over the years. For a long time I was embarrassed by them because people would say "oh your movies suck, you need to come back to reality, you'll never make a living doing videos or anything creative" but I realize now those people were wrong, sure the videos aren't professional but its the first time I started to stretch my creative wings and I can see from my old videos some of my humor and ideas that I would refine over the years and make them work in a more professional space. Its a part of my past and part of my journey to where I am now and I am not embarrassed by them. Also I have been told that I need to make separate channels for everything that is different from each other on YouTube and I just feel like thats too much for me to do, if thats how the algorithm works then fuck the algorithm. As I said before I want my channel to be the space where all of my creative work is in one place:

• Void of Axis
• Bears On The Coast
• A Word From Dustin
• Questionable Questions
• Burning Down the House with Jacob
• Chicken Chat
• VOAGamerCub Gaming
• Dustin Studios Classics

I want to make videos because I enjoy making them, not because I want to be rich or famous or anything. Its because it what I love to do and I feel like a lot of people on YouTube just do things just for money and I understand people need to make a living but at the same time I feel you also need to do things just because you love doing them. I have watched over the years as my work becomes more refined and more progress has been made to make my work more professional and I am learning as I am working on my creative projects so that makes me happy. This is my lifes work and this is what I intend to do till the day I die, this is how I want to spend my life.