Seasonal Depression, Close Call and starting the 12 Steps

 

Its been a little while since I last posted, been dealing with Seasonal Depression. When it gets cold like this I start to remember traumatic experiences from my past living in NY and it just pulls me down in to a swamp of despair that I can't escape from, sometimes after New Years it will go away but sometimes it can stay as long as the cold does. I'm not sure why cold triggers it, I think its because when I became homeless all those years ago I associate the cold with death and loneliness which I was feeling deeply during the two years I was homeless. Also I find it extremely fake that people put on a smile for the holidays like giving presents and "holiday cheer" fix deep rooted issues you've had with said people for years, so yea I prefer to just ignore the holiday and go about my business.

I had a Friend with Benefits come over and I think he was on Meth, he has done it with me before but he knows I don't do it anymore. I was extremely uncomfortable the entire time he was over here, I should have woken Jacob up and told him to leave, also he could have offered me to do it as well but he didn't so I guess thats why I didn't wake Jacob up but next time I know when something like that happens I need to listen to my gut and just get them out of the house because I don't want to screw up my sobriety. Since that happened that has only added to my Seasonal Depression, I have been sleeping a lot. I also missed my meeting so I will make sure on Wednesday I can make the New Years Day meeting.

Not sure if I mentioned this here but I decided maybe like two weeks ago that I finally feel like I am ready to sit down in my 12 Step Meeting and allow someone to sponsor me because I feel like I am flying without a parachute right now and as of next Wednesday I will be 90 Days Sober. The reason I needed time was because of how burned I was by my previous 12 step group, I feel comfortable in CMA so I feel I can now sit down and listen to someone help me through the 12 steps so I can work through this once and for all and get my life back without Meth in it. I talked with someone who I was nervous would say no about being my sponsor but they said yes. I am very excited to start working on things and seeing how my life can change once I start implementing these things in my life.