Yesterday I earned my 60 day chip at my local CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous) meeting, I am proud of myself but also feel like I have such a long way to go. I am being extremely hard on myself because of my last relapse during Hurricane Helene. I convinced myself that I could use once a year and it not be a big deal, so I ended up getting an 8-ball which is way more than I ever got before and I ended up using for like a week and half. I started just before the hurricane hit and I felt off about doing it before then but once the power went out it was just extremely miserable, I started to feel sick and I wasn't drinking any water so I was extremely dehydrated. Jacob took me to the ER, I thought I was having a heart attack, I scared him and myself half to death and just writing about it and remembering it makes me feel like a horrible person. I never want to put Jacob through that again, ever. I got some fluids in me at the ER so I felt better, HOWEVER I was basically harassed by some lady and her family in the ER. I don't know what was going on, I was coughing a lot and tried to stay away from everyone but she was giving me a death stare. I honestly think she was just trying to fuck with me and it worked because at some point she was talking out loud about me and I told the doctor I was leaving after I got my fluids because I don't feel safe around someone who is gonna literally stare at me for 15 minutes straight like a psycho. I did the right thing because as soon as I left the ER that crazy bitch and her family got in to a car and were searching around the parking lot for me trying to harass me further. I have no idea why, people these days are fucking psychotic, that's all I've got to say. We spent the next few days at Darren's place and I felt horrible being like that there. I want to share this because I want to remember and never forget it, the last time I did it was so traumatizing not just to me but I never want to put Jacob or anyone else through that again.
When I started recovery again this time I decided to be very hard on myself, my anger has been fueling me to stay on track. However, now being at 60 days clean time I don't know if its making me hate myself or if this is how I've always felt after years and years of being told that I am not good enough. Literally the first time I can remember people being cruel to me was the kids in pre-school and its never stopped all the way to up to current day. I have always never been good enough for people and when you have heard it for so long eventually you start to believe it on some level and I guess for me I tried to numb myself so I didn't have to deal with those thoughts and feelings. Its been very hard, the last two days have been rough, been having horrible cravings and also two moments where I was questioning reality if what I was seeing or feeling was real. At the beginning of the year I binged for six days straight and started to hear voices and see people that weren't there, I had a psychotic break I believe and since then I have moments where I question if this is reality or not. Its fucking scary, in those moments I just have to sit down usually with Jacob or anyone to help pull me back.
I am scared that if I am kinder to myself I will forget and end up falling down the same hole again, I don't want that. I didn't want to have a sponsor when I started up the 12 steps again because I liked SMART Recovery unfortunately they have no meetings here in Gainesville, however I have softened to the idea of having a sponsor, but I will say if I have one it has to be someone I feel comfortable with because if its someone I don't jive with then its not gonna work. Thats just how I feel honestly so next week I may ask and see what happens. I am just scared of being rejected if I do ask, the last time I was in a 12 Step Program was with NA and those people kept telling me "you need to get a sponsor or you are gonna use again and this time its gonna be with a needle". It was very belittling and I hated it, I asked everyone and no one wanted to sponsor me including the ones telling me I needed to get a sponsor so basically in my mind everyone there was just an asshole. Sorry but don't tell me to look for something when no one wants to do it. Just shut your fucking mouth and not say anything at all, but thats just how I feel about people who do that. I really hope that doesn't happen again at the the CMA meeting because I am starting to feel comfortable with the people there. I'll write about what happens.
I was really phobic about giving a 12 Step another shot after what happened at the NA meeting I went to, the other issue I had was basically someone said to me that "you need to accept Jesus as your higher power or you are gonna relapse again". That instantaneously turned me off, I have been extremely phobic of the Christian faith and its only become worse in recent years with how crazy people have become. But so far I haven't felt like anyone is trying to convert me in to becoming a born again Christian because that will never fucking happen. I will never join a religion where sharing "God's Love" is basically hating on people who won't convert to your ways. Yea no I am good.
No comments:
Post a Comment