Thursday, September 18, 2025
Scared to Write Music, Becoming a Hermit & Beating Demon's Souls
Tuesday, August 19, 2025
Recurring Nightmares and Mental Health
I can't sleep, two nights in a row I have had a recurring nightmare of an old woman who curses me and then chases after me always catching up to me eventually. In both dreams at some point I realize as I am running that I am dreaming and able to start flying or use powers I wouldn't otherwise because in a dream I can do whatever I want. I try to fight again her in both dreams and no matter how much I fight her I can't stop her and I wake up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I am now scared to fall asleep because as I lay there waiting to fall asleep my thoughts wander and I think about the dream, I can't get comfortable and I just haven't fallen asleep so I wanted to write about it hoping it would help. I have no idea what it could symbolize, I have been feeling overwhelmed but that's to be expected with how fucked up everything is right now. Not sure what I can do about it to try and relax, this may not sound healthy whenever I leave the house now I become ill, being around other people I am on edge and I am just terrified of people now. I just want to stay in my home and stay away from others, I don't mean stay away from friends or family. Just people I don't know, and I think it makes sense considering the cruelty that has become common place among people and the current administration. I fear for my life now every waking moment of everyday because of where our country is at and I feel like the best possible thing for me to do is maybe cut myself off from the outside world for the time being until things get better (if they get better) because I just can't handle anything right now. I hope one day that the world will return to sanity and common sense but until that time I need to just stay away from the human race because right now the human race feels like its actively trying to kill itself and I don't want to be around the chaos of that. People have become so selfish, egotistical, entitled and cruel that I just can't be around that behavior at all. It literally makes me crazy and because of how I think, I try to figure out why people act that way and honestly I don't think theirs an reason for it, I think people just want to behave like shit now because they can and its just gross to me.
Right now I am not seeing a therapist but I really wish I was, I used to go to Meridian but the people there treat mental illness like its a cold that you can get over in a year. I am not joking, literally they only see patients for a year, and then after that they review your case to see if you have the "tools" to handle things on your own after that... I mean if you know anything about mental health you know that is not how it works at all, some people need to see someone for a brief time to get themselves together, others like myself know that I am in this for the long haul. My mental illness will never go away and its just part of my life and I have to work with it, some days are good, some days are pure hell but to act like I'll just suddenly be able to never worry about Depression again, PTSD again or Anxiety is not reality. Not to mention they also wanted to force all of their patients in to "group sessions", I have told them that wouldn't work for me simply because of my social anxiety so putting me in a group would freak me out. They don't want to listen because they have a PhD so they think they know best. I wish I could find a therapist outside of Meridian to see, I think being able to talk to someone to help me process my thoughts would help. I don't see a psychiatrist and haven't for a long time, the reason for this is I believe I can manage my trauma with a therapist and not with medication, I have tried multiple times to treat with medication and the only medication that worked for me made me gain 200 pounds in 2 months. I really don't want to go back to that especially now that I have diabetes. The other reason I don't do medication is because of the side effects like weight gain and more, I also have found that I am unable to work on my art when I am medicated. It completely kills my creativity which if that is gone I have to ask myself, what is my purpose on this planet? If I can't make art and express myself then whats the point of being alive? So I choose to live with some of my pain for the sake of my art, but talking to a therapist would do wonders for my mental health.
I am still nervous to go to bed, I am going to try to put on some rain, sometimes that helps me to sleep better. Fingers crossed that I don't have that nightmare again.
Tuesday, August 12, 2025
Getting back to work, Resident Evil 4 HD Project & returning to Facebook
I finally streamed today, first time in like maybe 3-4 weeks. Its ridiculous but I was so sick from coming off the Ozempic that I just wasn't able to sit down and even play any video games. I was pretty much bedridden, I hate being able to not do anything. I feel like I need to constantly be doing things or working on projects, but I have taken a break to give myself some room to breathe and I feel like I am able to start getting back in to my creative projects. I already mentioned on here I listened to my tracks for the new updated version of Forest of Memories Vol. 1, I am gonna try to sit down later tonight and try to continue work on some of the tracks and see if I can adjust them and push them so they can be even better than what I have now. I also am hoping I can stream more of Alien Isolation either tonight if I don't work on music or tomorrow.
I picked up Resident Evil 4 on PC via Steam because I found this amazing Mod called HD Project and it basically takes the whole game, updates the textures, lighting, and does some bug fixes, they even went as far as designing new assets. If you would like to learn more please check out this website for more info, also the mod is free. https://re4hd.com/ I just started playing it and I am blown away by the amount of work went in to this.
I made a new Facebook account, not because I miss Facebook. No I did it mainly because I have some people on there who I would like to keep in contact with who I have not been able to stay in touch with since I left. I plan not to use Facebook like I did, I still prefer using Bluesky but also I would rather write how I feel on here because I feel I can actually express myself on here because when I try to do that on sites like Bluesky or Facebook no one understands and I get told "you aren't suppose to share how you feel on here". Who the fuck are you? Do you work for Bluesky/Facebook? No? Then shut the fuck up, if you don't like what I have to say then block me.
Sunday, August 10, 2025
Doctor Quack, the Internet sucks now and starting work on Forest of Memories Vol. 1 Redux
Tuesday, July 1, 2025
Take my Bear Card & too anxious to Twitch Stream
Okay, so I needed some time to think about this, last Monday I had a guy come over to play and everything seemed fine until we started. He had some idea of me made up in his head and was getting mad at me for not being what he envisioned in his head, like he was upset that I was not more butch, controlling and dominate. I am none of those things, nor have I ever expressed to be any of those things, I have always kind of been in a middle when it comes to butch and effeminate which is why I consider myself non-binary. I don't feel like I fit in to either of those and hearing him get mad at me just made me feel like complete and utter garbage. He kept being rude to me and getting mad at me the entire time he was here, I was being apologetic when in fact I should have just ejected his ass from my house, I don't need to explain myself to anyone especially some stupid faggot who is gonna put me in a box. Needless to say, it hurt me and it still is bothering me a week later, its made me uncomfortable with myself and with other men to the point where I don't even want to hook up now because I feel inadequate to be able to do so because I am not what anyone wants. Maybe I just need some time to get past this asshole, also I have my boyfriend but even with him, any man really I am just feeling like I am not good enough. Just take my "Bear Card" because I don't want it anymore.
I want to Twitch stream but every time I go to do so I chicken out, I am not sure what's going on. I think my social anxiety is totally taking over so yea maybe I just need to stream when I want to make content for my YouTube Channel because I don't want to force myself to do anything that is causing me distress. It just sucks because I want to do it more often and but my anxiety is just taking over and making me unable to do it.
Monday, June 16, 2025
Relax Refresh Recharge, returning to Twitch, and Healing from a Broken Heart
I haven't felt like doing anything on my YouTube Channel lately and also I have been at a loss for what to do musically so I have decided to take a break from both. I have always been told that you need to keep going, keep working and never stop because if you stop then you've failed and thats how I have worked for years but I am just burned out right now. I really want to focus on my personal life anyways right now and keeping things together. I have my new song Last coming out this week and maybe I will release a single or two over the next couple of months or year but I don't want to do a full album. I am just not feeling it.
I think the Ozempic has finally leveled off, I am starting to feel normal again and the antinausea medication is working well for me so I am gonna attempt to try to get on Twitch more and stream. Our AC was out for two days and oh my god it was hot as hell in the apartment, couldn't sleep, couldn't relax, it was horrible but it seems to be fixed now after we had a repair man come over. I've been thinking about streaming what I am playing lately which is Minecraft, Division 2 and Final Fantasy XIV. I also want to sit down and play through something like Alien Isolation on stream.
Me and Jacob have been talking with a guy for four months now, we were getting close and planned to come and visit him at the beginning of September, we even booked a rental car for 600 dollars. Well that guy ghosted us for the last 2 days and when we finally reached him he said "oh I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore" and we haven't been able to get him to respond since then. I am so fucking angry that we wasted time and month on this guy who played with our time, our money and our hearts. This is just gonna make it harder for someone else to come in and join me and Jacob in our relationship because I am become less trusting of guys. I also believe we need to limit the amount of distance we are from someone because if we can't go see them then I don't want to date them, I need to be able to see someone in person for me to even see if the guy is stable enough to date and I'm sorry but the guy we just dealt with needs to seek therapy, a psych ward, something because its not us, its him and also that's why he's single. Self sabotage seems to be normal in guys who want to date but don't want to put in the actual work it takes to date. Like they want someone to date them and marry them that day they meet but that's not realistic. I have no idea, we have tried to reach out to him multiple times since we got that message but we have received nothing yet so again no idea what he feels that way. We are both hurt and need some time without dating anyone else, but we will try again eventually. I honestly feel like I just don't want to look and if someone wants me and Jacob they can put the work in and try to date us because if you really want something then put in the work. Show me you want this. Anyways that is all I have to say.
Friday, May 30, 2025
Shelving Nothing & Nowhere, Last, and Ozempic
Wednesday, February 12, 2025
Goodbye Facebook, New Single "Left-Right" & Elden Ring Network Test
Because of all of this, I have put the 20 songs I have written for Nothing and Nowhere on the backburner for now. I am writing very political tracks right now, one of which is a song I wrote back in 2007 for an album called The Endless Hole that I never released. Too many guys heard the title name and thought I was talking about a super bottom that wants to take every dick he can get. NO!!! It was meant to be my attempt at an Downward Spiral album. That would come later in Remnants, and now Nothing and Nowhere. But anyways the track is called Left-Right, its very antimilitarism and where our country is heading if we continue down the path we are heading right now. It is available now on Bandcamp but will be everywhere else on February 21st, 2025. Its available here: https://voidofaxis.bandcamp.com/track/left-right
I feel like I haven't been in the mood to make videos for my channel, I feel like I should do it when I am feeling like putting something up, despite this I know people want new stuff so yesterday I filmed a few new episodes of Questionable Questions with Jacob and we need to film some new Burning Down the House with Jacob episodes this weekend. I also plan on streaming Elden Ring: Nightreign Network Test (if I can) which should be awesome. I am currently playing Bloodborne with Jacob and Ben, also playing Dark Souls 3 between Minecraft and FFXIV so I've been pretty busy with a lot of different games. I feel I should stream more but my anxiety has always got in the way of that and I only do it when I physically and mentally feel like I can handle it.
Sunday, February 2, 2025
Lost and Broken
I haven't felt like writing anything because my thoughts are everywhere right now. I am just beside myself right now, our country is in the worst state its ever been and people are just acting like its the best time ever. I can't understand and trying to make sense of it makes me physically ill, maybe this is what our country needs, a cleansing, a revolution, lots of blood and deaths on the hands of the idiotic. I have no idea, I don't have the answers.
I have been writing a lot of music, taking breaks in between because as I said before its been making me physically ill. I have been having panic attacks everyday and now I cry at least once a day when I freak out so guess thats gonna be the new normal for the next 4 years. Gonna talk to a friend of mine about seeing if I can see a therapist at the gay center here at least once a month. I can't afford to go more often but I need to see a therapist because I can't function like this for the next four years.
At the very least I got my 120 Day Chip from CMA, I am very happy I have remained sober but its been so hard with everything so broken and destroyed. But I know getting fucked up wouldn't fix anything, it would just make everything worse. Been distancing myself from social media and honestly that has helped so maybe I need to remove social media from my phone because its only making me feel worse.
I am sorry I don't have more to say, I just feel so lost and broken with how things have become. I hope things will get better.
Monday, January 6, 2025
Relapse Dream, 4 Years of Hell & Uploads for Dustin Studios
- Void of Axis
- Bears On The Coast
- A Word From Dustin
- Questionable Questions
- Burning Down the House with Jacob
- Chicken Chat
- VOAGamerCub Gaming
- Dustin Studios Classics