Recurring Nightmares and Mental Health

 

I can't sleep, two nights in a row I have had a recurring nightmare of an old woman who curses me and then chases after me always catching up to me eventually. In both dreams at some point I realize as I am running that I am dreaming and able to start flying or use powers I wouldn't otherwise because in a dream I can do whatever I want. I try to fight again her in both dreams and no matter how much I fight her I can't stop her and I wake up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I am now scared to fall asleep because as I lay there waiting to fall asleep my thoughts wander and I think about the dream, I can't get comfortable and I just haven't fallen asleep so I wanted to write about it hoping it would help. I have no idea what it could symbolize, I have been feeling overwhelmed but that's to be expected with how fucked up everything is right now. Not sure what I can do about it to try and relax, this may not sound healthy whenever I leave the house now I become ill, being around other people I am on edge and I am just terrified of people now. I just want to stay in my home and stay away from others, I don't mean stay away from friends or family. Just people I don't know, and I think it makes sense considering the cruelty that has become common place among people and the current administration. I fear for my life now every waking moment of everyday because of where our country is at and I feel like the best possible thing for me to do is maybe cut myself off from the outside world for the time being until things get better (if they get better) because I just can't handle anything right now. I hope one day that the world will return to sanity and common sense but until that time I need to just stay away from the human race because right now the human race feels like its actively trying to kill itself and I don't want to be around the chaos of that. People have become so selfish, egotistical, entitled and cruel that I just can't be around that behavior at all. It literally makes me crazy and because of how I think, I try to figure out why people act that way and honestly I don't think theirs an reason for it, I think people just want to behave like shit now because they can and its just gross to me.

Right now I am not seeing a therapist but I really wish I was, I used to go to Meridian but the people there treat mental illness like its a cold that you can get over in a year. I am not joking, literally they only see patients for a year, and then after that they review your case to see if you have the "tools" to handle things on your own after that... I mean if you know anything about mental health you know that is not how it works at all, some people need to see someone for a brief time to get themselves together, others like myself know that I am in this for the long haul. My mental illness will never go away and its just part of my life and I have to work with it, some days are good, some days are pure hell but to act like I'll just suddenly be able to never worry about Depression again, PTSD again or Anxiety is not reality. Not to mention they also wanted to force all of their patients in to "group sessions", I have told them that wouldn't work for me simply because of my social anxiety so putting me in a group would freak me out. They don't want to listen because they have a PhD so they think they know best. I wish I could find a therapist outside of Meridian to see, I think being able to talk to someone to help me process my thoughts would help. I don't see a psychiatrist and haven't for a long time, the reason for this is I believe I can manage my trauma with a therapist and not with medication, I have tried multiple times to treat with medication and the only medication that worked for me made me gain 200 pounds in 2 months. I really don't want to go back to that especially now that I have diabetes. The other reason I don't do medication is because of the side effects like weight gain and more, I also have found that I am unable to work on my art when I am medicated. It completely kills my creativity which if that is gone I have to ask myself, what is my purpose on this planet? If I can't make art and express myself then whats the point of being alive? So I choose to live with some of my pain for the sake of my art, but talking to a therapist would do wonders for my mental health.

I am still nervous to go to bed, I am going to try to put on some rain, sometimes that helps me to sleep better. Fingers crossed that I don't have that nightmare again.

Getting back to work, Resident Evil 4 HD Project & returning to Facebook

I finally streamed today, first time in like maybe 3-4 weeks. Its ridiculous but I was so sick from coming off the Ozempic that I just wasn't able to sit down and even play any video games. I was pretty much bedridden, I hate being able to not do anything. I feel like I need to constantly be doing things or working on projects, but I have taken a break to give myself some room to breathe and I feel like I am able to start getting back in to my creative projects. I already mentioned on here I listened to my tracks for the new updated version of Forest of Memories Vol. 1, I am gonna try to sit down later tonight and try to continue work on some of the tracks and see if I can adjust them and push them so they can be even better than what I have now. I also am hoping I can stream more of Alien Isolation either tonight if I don't work on music or tomorrow.

I picked up Resident Evil 4 on PC via Steam because I found this amazing Mod called HD Project and it basically takes the whole game, updates the textures, lighting, and does some bug fixes, they even went as far as designing new assets. If you would like to learn more please check out this website for more info, also the mod is free. https://re4hd.com/ I just started playing it and I am blown away by the amount of work went in to this.

I made a new Facebook account, not because I miss Facebook. No I did it mainly because I have some people on there who I would like to keep in contact with who I have not been able to stay in touch with since I left. I plan not to use Facebook like I did, I still prefer using Bluesky but also I would rather write how I feel on here because I feel I can actually express myself on here because when I try to do that on sites like Bluesky or Facebook no one understands and I get told "you aren't suppose to share how you feel on here". Who the fuck are you? Do you work for Bluesky/Facebook? No? Then shut the fuck up, if you don't like what I have to say then block me.

Doctor Quack, the Internet sucks now and starting work on Forest of Memories Vol. 1 Redux

I am finally off Ozempic, I literally was getting more and more nauseous and sick with every week that went by, what I didn't expect and what the doctor didn't warn me about was that a week after I went off Ozempic I basically became sick to any and all food. I was having non-stop diarrhea and vomiting that lasted for two weeks, only yesterday and today am I starting to feel a bit more normal. I guess my body had to adjust which I guess makes sense, just wish my doctor could have warned me about that, instead he told me that I would have zero side effects coming off of the Ozempic, bullshit. Also since we took me off Ozempic we put me on Glipizide but I have yet to start it because I found out that two of my medications have a serious interaction with Glipizide. Taking Metformin and Glipizide together will increase a risk of me experiencing hypoglycemia, while Metoprolol and Glipizide together will mask symptoms of hypoglycemia so I won't even know if I am having it... See why maybe I shouldn't go on it, so I need to make an appointment with "Doctor Quack" which is what I will be referring to my doctor as from now on and see what other options there are because I am not comfortable taking that medication.

I will probably be blogging more often from now on, I have found that Bluesky is just like Facebook, lots of people looking for attention and trying to be as loud and obnoxious as possible just to get that attention, also I am seeing just a surge in people getting cancelled. It makes me wonder if the people who are cancelling all these people are perfect because I'm sorry no one is perfect. We all do bad things from time to time and we as human beings need to learn and grow from our mistakes. These Cancel Culture people act like they came out of their mother's womb never have made any mistakes which is so completely delusional, no one is perfect and if we don't let people grow from their mistakes they will continue to make those mistakes. But I feel like I want to share more on here from now on because I can actually share how I feel and if no one reads this that is fine, I just can't do it on Bluesky anymore because its just an echo chamber of misery just like most of the internet has become these days. I remember when the internet was fun and wasn't trying to get you to buy a million things. What happened to that?

I sat down this evening and finally started work on Forest of Memories Vol. 1 Redux, I think I have just been hiding away and taking a break from working on stuff because I felt burned out. I didn't know what I wanted to do and honestly I needed to focus on my recovery which I am not at 10 months sober, the longest I have been sober since April of 2014. Its kind of crazy thinking about it but I feel like I am able to better handle things now, I am still a work in progress but things are better. Trying to decide what songs to actually bring over to the new reworked version. There's a lot of tracks that didn't make it on the first time and I have demos I am even considering putting at the end of the album. Its very fun and exciting to go back to my first album, see where my journey with music started. It feels right going back now since I am working on my recovery and its like I am relearning who Dustin is, seeing what hobbies I enjoy and if they have remained the same or if I have changed over the years. The only track I feel is done and perfect is "How it Feels to be Dead" which is actually the first song I ever wrote for Forest of Memories Vol. 1. Gonna work hard in the coming months to try and get this done for 2026 so I can meet the 15th Anniversary for the album.