Recurring Nightmares and Mental Health

 

I can't sleep, two nights in a row I have had a recurring nightmare of an old woman who curses me and then chases after me always catching up to me eventually. In both dreams at some point I realize as I am running that I am dreaming and able to start flying or use powers I wouldn't otherwise because in a dream I can do whatever I want. I try to fight again her in both dreams and no matter how much I fight her I can't stop her and I wake up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I am now scared to fall asleep because as I lay there waiting to fall asleep my thoughts wander and I think about the dream, I can't get comfortable and I just haven't fallen asleep so I wanted to write about it hoping it would help. I have no idea what it could symbolize, I have been feeling overwhelmed but that's to be expected with how fucked up everything is right now. Not sure what I can do about it to try and relax, this may not sound healthy whenever I leave the house now I become ill, being around other people I am on edge and I am just terrified of people now. I just want to stay in my home and stay away from others, I don't mean stay away from friends or family. Just people I don't know, and I think it makes sense considering the cruelty that has become common place among people and the current administration. I fear for my life now every waking moment of everyday because of where our country is at and I feel like the best possible thing for me to do is maybe cut myself off from the outside world for the time being until things get better (if they get better) because I just can't handle anything right now. I hope one day that the world will return to sanity and common sense but until that time I need to just stay away from the human race because right now the human race feels like its actively trying to kill itself and I don't want to be around the chaos of that. People have become so selfish, egotistical, entitled and cruel that I just can't be around that behavior at all. It literally makes me crazy and because of how I think, I try to figure out why people act that way and honestly I don't think theirs an reason for it, I think people just want to behave like shit now because they can and its just gross to me.

Right now I am not seeing a therapist but I really wish I was, I used to go to Meridian but the people there treat mental illness like its a cold that you can get over in a year. I am not joking, literally they only see patients for a year, and then after that they review your case to see if you have the "tools" to handle things on your own after that... I mean if you know anything about mental health you know that is not how it works at all, some people need to see someone for a brief time to get themselves together, others like myself know that I am in this for the long haul. My mental illness will never go away and its just part of my life and I have to work with it, some days are good, some days are pure hell but to act like I'll just suddenly be able to never worry about Depression again, PTSD again or Anxiety is not reality. Not to mention they also wanted to force all of their patients in to "group sessions", I have told them that wouldn't work for me simply because of my social anxiety so putting me in a group would freak me out. They don't want to listen because they have a PhD so they think they know best. I wish I could find a therapist outside of Meridian to see, I think being able to talk to someone to help me process my thoughts would help. I don't see a psychiatrist and haven't for a long time, the reason for this is I believe I can manage my trauma with a therapist and not with medication, I have tried multiple times to treat with medication and the only medication that worked for me made me gain 200 pounds in 2 months. I really don't want to go back to that especially now that I have diabetes. The other reason I don't do medication is because of the side effects like weight gain and more, I also have found that I am unable to work on my art when I am medicated. It completely kills my creativity which if that is gone I have to ask myself, what is my purpose on this planet? If I can't make art and express myself then whats the point of being alive? So I choose to live with some of my pain for the sake of my art, but talking to a therapist would do wonders for my mental health.

I am still nervous to go to bed, I am going to try to put on some rain, sometimes that helps me to sleep better. Fingers crossed that I don't have that nightmare again.