My life and I have officially fallen apart, I hope everyone is happy who pushed me to this point. You win. I don't care anymore. I just don't care anymore.
What lead to this?
Lets start with the letter I received telling me that I will need to switch off of "Biktarvy" which is the HIV medication I take currently. Apparently, Florida doesn't want to pay anymore for that medication, so they are going to have to switch me to something else. I have also read that they want to stop patients from taking Descovy which I NEED to take because Truvada effects my liver too harshly. I have ended up in the hospital once after taking Triumeq for a few years. At some point, it stopped working for me, and I had a severe reaction to it with my liver. My doctor can't put me on medications that use Truvada as a base. If they put me back on Truvada, I could very well end up in the hospital again so I am scared of that.
I also needed to renew my Food Stamps and that has completely changed now. I have been receiving Food Stamps since 2010 and now they changed how that works despite nothing having changed with my disability, I have to get a letter telling them what is wrong with me which I have no issues doing but the Alachua County Health Department is basically acting like I never mentioned being disabled in the entire time I have been there despite years and years of them asking me about them when I come for visits so they can put it in my file. So they have been dragging their feet so much so that I still haven't got the paperwork and I missed the date I needed to get the paperwork in so my Food Stamps have been terminated for this month. I am still going to try to get the letter regardless because I need to have it since the government wants to make me jump through hoops now and actively make me feel like shit about something I struggle with each and every day and can't control.
So what do I struggle with? Physically I have Fibromyalgia which fluctuates day to day but I am ALWAYS IN PAIN. It never stops and it's only when I talk about my pain that it's unbearable. I am currently dealing with untreated Diabetes which I try to deal with by going for walks everyday so I can physically lose some weight as well as dietary changes I have made but its still pretty bad and I find myself getting tired a lot. I have tried Ozempic and it made me gain weight and nauseous all the time so I was told I can't take GLP-1 medications. I may have to take insulin. That might be the next step.
Mentally is where I have most of my problems. I suffer from Major Depression, General and Social Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Agoraphobia. Agoraphobia has creeped in to my life within the last year. I don't feel safe leaving the house, and when I try to leave, I feel intense fear and nausea overtake me. A lot of it comes from the current administration, people in general just being horrible which lately is a majority of people and now I can add how I am being treated by Florida's government to the list. I am also a recovering Meth addict, I go to 12 step meetings and I have a sponsor.
I am terrified that our current administration is doing this because they want to see people like me who are poor and unable to help themselves suffer and die because society feels it would be better if we were not "burdening" them anymore by simply existing. Everyday I struggle to keep myself together, just to be okay for today and it doesn't help when people feel that I shouldn't exist because I am "leeching" off of the system. I want to work, I want to be normal, I want to not feel the way I do or struggle everyday with what I do. Trust me I do, I wish I could go work a 9 to 5 job and get a paycheck and be financially stable. I want to go out and have friends and not be scared of leaving the house. I want to not be physically in pain every waking moment. I don't want to have panic attacks everyday, unable to breathe, heart beating out of my chest, wondering if I am going to die right then and there.
BUT I CAN'T...
I just can't, for years I have tried to do everything I can and I just can't do it, I know what my limitations are. The life I have now is that I simply exist and it sucks because I want to live, I want to thrive and because of all of my issues I just can't. So I do what I can to try to normalize my life. I push myself to work on creative projects like video editing and music creative to express myself, it gives me a job to do. The days where I struggle the most I stay in bed and just try to work through it. I am doing everything in my power and in my being to just be okay. I know people don't understand how hard that is sometimes, you have not lived in my shoes. Just simply being alive one day at a time tells me I am strong. I wish I was stronger though, I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this.
I want to take a second to thank all of my friends over the last few days who have reached out to me and tried to give me links and phone numbers of organizations I can call and try to make this journey less of a struggle. You all are amazing and I am fortunate to have you all as friends despite sometimes not being able to be there for you all because of my issues. It gives me some peace to know I have people out there who care about me when I struggle to care about myself somedays.
I said above that I don't care anymore, that is how hopeless it feels right now. I am scared of what the future holds, but I will not back down, I need to stay strong and do what I can to fight this fight.
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