Failure

I've been kinda depressed as of late, those thoughts of worthlessness have returned, my self loathing and anger towards others has also returned. Its strange, a lot of the feelings I use to have when I was in New York have returned. I just remember being so angry at everything and trying to understand why. I know i'm just feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for the failure of "relationship" with Joey, and feeling out of touch with everything. I feel trapped inside this house, no one to see outside these walls so I remain in this cage. People tell me to go out and meet others or to just take a walk and currently neither one feels appealing to me. I understand their good intentions, I just feel uncomfortable at places like that. Walking does help me but lately its just reminded me of walking in my own shoes, remembering walking down snow filled streets being homeless and feeling like I was free falling without anyone to catch me. The month i've been having has stripped me of the armor I usually have to protect me from these feelings but the streak of bad luck i've had this month just chipped away at it till I was left bare. I now feel everything pretty deep and i'm trying to make sense of thing. Trying to guide myself back to a sense of self, where I know what I want and who I am because at the moment I feel lost. Because i've been feeling a lot lately, i've been writing a lot of poems/lyrics and composing a lot of new music. I'm hoping this will help me to heal as music has always been a place of healing and therapy for me. Releasing the darkness from within myself.

Bears On The Coast Season 2.5 Begins

Today a new episode of Bears On The Coast was released, since we are raising money for Season 3 at the moment we are treating this as a bonus season. We are titling this Season 2.5 to signify the changes that will become more apparent with each new episode we show. Some of the changes introduced in this episode were the reduced length of the show from an hour long show to a 15 minute show, we have also started making tighter edits with less air time so we don't lose the audience. Since a lot of these episodes were filmed before we decided to make these changes, you will notice a slow progression towards the future format of the show. Here's a list of some of the changes we are making to our show:

• Shorter show (15 to 30 minutes in length)
• Tripod Setup (Filming with Tripods instead of holding the camera/less shaky footage)
• Tighter Edits (Less dead air & better effects)
• More variety (We don't want the show to be just a comedy so we will be leveling off the funny moments with the serious moments)

I hope that with these changes slowly becoming more realized and taking over completely as the show goes on that we can create a better quality show and move towards the future of the show which would be Season 3.

Bears On The Coast comes out of Hibernation

Bears On The Coast, the internet reality show starring Dustin Terry & Michael Varvel returns May 30th for its 3rd Season but this time it won't be simply the same old games and tricks. The show is getting a major face lift so to speak. We are continuing to use 720p HD (introduced in Season 2) as well as an original soundtrack from Void Of Axis, but whats new? For starters, BOTC is getting its own official website where information on the show can be found, and the main show will be hosted. Additional to the main show, commercials will appear in BOTC for other shows that will be streamed directly through the main site. The new programs include:

• Cooking With Bears
• Bearly Watchable
• VOAGamerCub's Video Game Reviews
• Chicken Chat

All of these will be independant shows of BOTC that will be uploaded as they are completed.
The theme song will be getting updated from last season by the talented singer songwriter Freddy Freeman.
We have filmed four episodes out of thirteen so far, we bought a tripod for the camera, and we are also talking about creating a donation page so we can raise money for additional equipment and costs for the show. We want to make this season unique, special and different then the rest. We will be going to new places this season, I travel to New York even in this season so theirs a lot that will be new and exciting to Season 3.

Gaming Has Changed

I consider myself a Gamer, I grew up with Nintendo, Sega and Sony systems surrounding me with tons of amazing games and experiences. Their was a time where I owned the best games and had the best systems, but eventually that ended. Its been almost 4 years since i've had a current generation system and the last one I owned was a Nintendo Wii. I spent most of that time in between still following gaming sites and seeing what was new. Last year I was given a Nintendo 3DS for my birthday and it intrigued me to attempt to at least continue doing what I once loved doing, I miss gaming but now I wonder if gaming is still how I remember or if i'm just a relic of a generation long past.

This Christmas I budgeted myself to get a Nintendo Wii U, the newest console from Nintendo, a company that i've enjoyed the company of since my first NES. I love to play Nintendo titles like Super Mario, The Legend Of Zelda, Metroid, Star Fox, F-Zero, and Donkey Kong. I also enjoy titles from other companies such as Final Fantasy (Square-Enix), Doom (id Software), Perfect Dark (Rare), Metal Gear Solid (Konami), Turok: The Dinosaur Hunter (Acclaim), Tomb Raider (Eidos), and Resident Evil (Capcom) just to name a few. Since i've been away I thought gaming hasn't really changed much but the more I see some of my "gamer" friends it feels like i'm less and less of a "real" gamer in this day and age. The reason for this realization is for a few reasons:

Number One: Nintendo is not well liked or considered "cool" by most of my friends (ironically they will wear Nintendo related memorabilia still though). Nintendo is behind in the current generation market, they support a more family friendly atmosphere than Microsoft and Sony do and it seems nothing Nintendo can do will appease to some of these people. A lot of what i've heard is this harsh view comes from the idealization that Nintendo betrayed gamers when they released the Nintendo Wii which in gamers eyes is a giant "fuck you" to the hardcore gamer market. So most of these gamers have flocked to Sony's Playstation 3 and Microsoft's XBOX 360.

Number Two: If you look at the game selection these days between a Nintendo system and any other system you will realize a disturbing inconvenient truth and that truth is that "modern" gamers play FPS games. If you look at the selection of killer IP's on the shelves for those systems you will notice most of those games are Call Of Duty: Black Ops 2 (Activision), Halo 4 (343 Studios), Madden NFL 13 (Electronic Arts), Borderlands 2 (2K Games), and Skyrim (Bethesda Softworks). These are considered some of the titles that are popular now, so out of these titles I named the only one I have an interest in trying is Skyrim because its a fantasy RPG and I generally like those type of games. But the rest of these, you will notice and even Skyrim will fit in this genre are FPS games. I can enjoy FPS games BUT what I don't think people realize is that, thats not all I want to play on my game console, I was variety and if all i'm going to be doing is shooting things in the face in different scenarios then what is the point?

Number Three: I'm a Single Player Gamer, I rarely play multiplayer games (until Guild Wars 2 and EverQuest 2 recently) but since I don't have friends that will be coming over I usually depend on great single player experiences. These days, most games are all about multiplayer and single player is an after thought. It annoys me because it forces me to play with people I don't want to play with and usually my friends never have the game I can play multiplayer so it comes out that not only can't I play with my friends who I would play with but I have to play with complete strangers who are either socially awkward, or completely rude, homophobic, and enjoy sucking the fun out of the experience for me.

I guess the point i'm trying to make is that it seems a lot of games these days are more pointed towards realistic violence which sometimes is fun but its not for all gamers. It especially isn't for younger gamers which unfortunately are playing these games and now I have "gamers" attacking me for my personal tastes in gaming which is sad. I play games to get away and have fun and if the only way to have fun is to shoot people in the face then I guess gaming has changed. So now the question remains, do I still buy the Nintendo Wii U and go with quality I know i'll enjoy or should I give in to my peers and get a Playstation 3 and simply learn to accept that games for me are dark and bloody and violent and thats how I should game now.

Void Of Axis Live @ Bearapalooza's 10th Anniversary

I recently had an amazing experience I will never forget, it was a huge step in my life and for me as an artist. As you all know I worked on a documentary with Freddy Freeman, the creator of Bearapalooza, we both discussed the creation of a documentary showcasing the last 10 years of the traveling music festival as well as the many talents that have been a part of it. I completed the 90 minute documentary, though it still needs some work, I consider it as it is now to be a draft of possibilities for where we can take the documentary when we start work on it again. The film was set to premiere at the Bearapalooza 10th Anniversary which was a two day event set in New York City. I traveled up from Florida to participate in this event, we met for rehearsals Friday, November 9th & before the show Saturday, November 10th. This was my first time rehearsing my music in a live setting. My songs were primarily done with backing tracks for the show with the omission of guitar from the backing track in favor of a live guitar player to join me on stage. I also had the help of Freddy and his husband Jay Freeman as backing singers to add to the chorus and parts of the songs. If their was anyone who understood the songs better, it was Freddy since he is producing Kaleidoscope and worked on those tracks. Rehearsal went well but got me nervous when twice during rehearsing I forgot the lyrics to "Slave" and I even got them mixed up. It got me in a mood of panic from then till the moment of my performance. I repeated the lyrics in my head, and kept trying to remember the lyrics I forgot, and as the moment drew closer I got more nervous. The live rock show was to be held at Rock Bar NYC which is located in the West Village. Eventually came the moment where Candy Samples, our hostess of the evening and a talented singer songwriter Drag Queen announced me to take the stage. I remember that once the music started, my nervousness slowly began to disappear as I sang the lyrics. I became very comfortable on stage by the time we finished "Slave" and moved in to "Diary". I noticed that my voice was cracking a bit as I sang "Diary" and I should of brought up a water bottle to hydrate before doing that song but as my first performance it was an amazing experience and it went better than I even thought it could. After my performance I went outside to unwind, I had a rush the whole evening and tried to film most of the concert as I could. Everyone did a fantastic job, the coolest part of this performance is that everyone took their music and transformed it in to a live full band set up which was new for myself, Bone Intell, and Kendall and our MC Candy Samples. Then the next day, we all met up at the LGBT Center for the second part of the event which was the Documentary Premiere, the Wedding of Freddy & Jay Freeman, and some acoustic performances. It started with the film premiere which made me cry a bit, it was great to finally hear the reactions from the people who lived and experienced these moments first hand and as I created the movie I got to be a part of those experiences with them and get to know them. Even though the film was rough and still needs some work it went over very well and i'm glad I was given the chance to do the film. After that we had the wedding which had to be one of the most beautiful things i've had the chance to witness, Reverend Roger Anthony Yolanda Mapes performed the ceremony and Freddy & Jay sang their vows to each other. It was just so great and moving to be there and i'm glad to be a part of both their lives. After the ceremony and I dried my eyes, we had some acoustic performances from Yolanda, Freddy Freeman, Tommy Johns, and even Troy Rusnack who couldn't join us the night before joined us a performed. We ended the event by singing Freddy's biggest song titled "Echo". I will always look back on that event and remember fondly, even though Hurricane Sandy almost destroyed it, we worked together and we endured. To be part of this brotherhood of men who express themselves artistically is great and they are all talented and great people.

Gays Hating Gays (Sex vs Friendship)

What happens when you are hurt by something over and over again? It becomes ingrained in your mind to avoid what has hurt you of course. Lets take the Gay Community for example as whats hurt you over and over again. These people will avoid events, social gatherings, and anything involving Gay people in general. I will admit I have been down this road before and I myself once felt this way. As someone who has come to a more peaceful place in his life, I will try to explain what causes these feelings, what happens to these people, and what can be done to change future generations to deal with these same issues from my own experience and my opinion of what might be the issue here.

The Cause:

I'm sorry Boys, but their are some guys out there who don't want to have sex. We respect that you have sex, we understand you have it but it seems more and more these days with the level of sexual imagery in ads for Gay Events, Businesses, Social Gatherings, it can be seen as become less about meeting new people and making friends and more about hooking up and getting laid. As Humans, we are fascinated by Sex but when you go to these events it can easily be seen as giant "Fuck Fest". I was told once that these events are what men at the end of a long week or day who just want to unwind and relax want to do. That is fine if you want to have sex. But not all of us want to do this and those who are turned off by that won't go to events like those but now the problem is where do we go? If you look at it from out perspective from someone who isn't open sexually and just wants to meet friends, if you go to a bunch of events where you are treated like meat and being pushed in to things you don't want to do sexually, don't you think you would feel the same way? Honestly, if you are too blind to notice the Gay magazines with nothing but half naked guys and ads for lube and poppers then you need to take another look.

The Aftermath:

After years and years of feeling out of places at these events and being treated like a sex toy, eventually they point the finger at everyone because honestly, in a sense they are right. It seems we have no issues with the way we treat other men, but we feel its disgusting how women get treated by men. Well its the same thing we do here, it just comes off as the vast majority enjoys to be treated that way. But theirs another majority that are majorly turned off by this and feel its the whole community to blame so it builds up over years. You hate seeing Gay People, you hate seeing Gay events, you hate anything related to be Gay. It ruins the perspective of the Gay Community for them and they avoid it.

The Answer:

What I believe would help with this is we need to have events that for people who just want to meet other people, just as friends or a way of just meeting new people in a non sexual way. We need to seperate the events from sexual themed ones to non sexual themed ones because not everyone wants to see the hot tub full of naked guys, the magazines with lube and popper ads, the "social gatherings" which start out as a Pot Luck and then turns in to an Orgy after everyone has finished eating. I think that if we were more considerate of those people then things would be better in this "community". I think its wrong to say these people are prudes or judgemental, these people including myself aren't judging you for what you do in your personal lives. If thats how you want to be then more power to you, but we shouldn't be told that we are wrong for feeling this way or even worse, told that we need to learn that this is the way things are. Its not, and the more people use that excuse, the more people will fall for it and our community will grow in to a much BIGGER "Fuck Fest" and we don't want a community of people who can't tell the difference between Love and Lust. We want a diverse community that understands that sex has a place, just like friendship does and some people want to just find a connection with someone else without sex involved. Lets work on this.

Sexual Issues

Lately I've been having issues with my sexuality, I don't think its my method that is wrong. I think its that i'm changing and seeking something different than others are and to me it looks like everyone wants to screw everything they see and that is not me. My current situation is this, when I meet a guy I like or find attractive, I try to get to know them. I like to talk to them and see if we have a connection beyond my physical attraction. If I can't find that then more than likely I won't follow through with anything because NSA and Hook Up sex is very emotionless to me. I dislike using the word "Sex" with guys i'm with because of how little meaning it has now. It feels like a handshake based on how I see it being used by other men so it feels empty to me. I like to think that when i'm intimate with someone that I am giving them something special that not everyone can have. This kinda leads in to my last post where I just feel like some of the people I assosiate myself with are just always talking about having sex, with anyone, anywhere, no matter how they can get it and honestly that makes me feel uncomfortable. When I was younger I "sowed my oats" and played with lots of people and enjoyed the times but I feel now that i'm getting older and more mature that I don't want to keep doing that. I want to share that with a select group of people, whether thats a Boyfriend or just Friends With Benefits is fine to me. I don't want to share it with people who don't know me, don't want to know me, and want to get off with me and leave never to be seen again. I really can't stand that shit, and it makes me feel gross after its been done. When I hear some of my friends say how hot someone is i'm usually okay but when they add "I would fuck them" it just makes me uncomfortable. Makes me feel like i'm outcasted because I won't fuck every guy I find attractive. I feel like I have standards and it makes me wonder if theirs something wrong with me, or the guys that are doing this? I don't think theirs anything wrong with admiring someone. I admire lot of men for the way they look, and when I think of myself with them I think in terms of cuddling because i'm a cuddler. I enjoy cuddling and it doesn't have to be about "Sex". Just enjoy being close to someone else I think is handsome. I think i've said all I can really say on the subject. If I have anything to add i'll post it later.