People are Good?

So I am taking another social media break. I will still be posting blog entries here, but I am done with the fuckery that is the internet and the country that I live in which is the United States. We are anything but United.

I was already depressed because people decided to show how horrible they are by voting for Trump for a second term, but since the election, people have been going out and just being shitty as fuck. I mean they were shitty as fuck before that, but now they are advertising it, acting like everyone around them is an NPC, they don't have feelings or things going on in their lives to these people so they treat everyone who isn't them like garbage and its so stupid. I don't fucking get it, like a few weeks ago I went out with my friend Michael Livote who was visiting during Thanksgiving, we stopped at a Sonic and me and Jacob ordered our food and then Michael wanted to order his, he pushed the button literally right after we finished and they told him to wait...

And we waited...

And we waited...

And the our food came out and someone else pulled up behind us and he pushed the button and someone answered immediately. The excuse that was given was that they were busy, okay well your argument goes out the window when you literally answer in 0.5 seconds the guy who just pulled up when he pushed the button. What happened really was they forgot about Michael and didn't want to own their shit, instead they wanted to blame us so I asked for a manager and told her to refund my money. First of all, I ain't gonna sit there and eat food in front of my friend while he doesn't eat anything, that's just not right. Also its just on principle, she gave me an attitude and said she couldn't refund my money unless there's something with the food. Jacob stepped in at that point which I am glad for because I was about to go the fuck off, sorry but don't hold my money hostage when literally its not my fault that you won't own that you forgot he pressed the button. Sonic doesn't need my money that much, I highly doubt my 23 dollars is gonna make them go out of business. Another example is just this past weekend, Me and Jacob went to TJ Maxx so I could get some sweat pants and literally people were throwing things around, dropping shit all over the floor and not picking it up and just generally acting like uncivilized animals. On top of that this past week a man shot a CEO and the reasoning for it was because this CEO was basically denying thousands of people coverage and many people end up dying because they can't get the care they need. Now I want to say this, I am a pacifist, I don't believe war or violence solves anything. All it does is add a death toll to a problem, with that said, this company/CEO has murdered thousands by denying health coverage to people who needed it and couldn't get it, the shooter kills one person and the news media goes on a witch hunt along with a bunch of people who are also rich and in positions of power calling anyone who sympathizes with the shooter to be "sick"...

Okay, well when protesting and fighting for your rights in a non-violent doesn't work and it hasn't worked for a very very long time then what do you expect is going to happen? People are suffering and they are hurting and dying. Instead of being a human race that lifts each other up no matter what sex, gender, race or creed, physical, emotion or mental disabilities we put those with enough money front and center and those are the people who shape our world because only their voices are heard because they are the ones with the money to do that. If you look at social media lately the people who are front and center are people who have money and also don't care about who they have to put down as long as they can make money. Money is god, everything else is secondary, including human lives, if it gets in the way of you making money, so be it, guess some people need to die...

So with that said I don't condone what he did BUT I understand why he did it.

Because of all of that I am distancing myself from social media and I only plan to go outside to go for a walk or get groceries, besides that fuck the outside world right now. I'm sorry but I do not want to see people acting like apes flinging shit at each other. I have no idea if its better in other countries but I just know America is basically acting like a small child in the corner of the room at a birthday party where every other kid is being normal but America is playing with its own shit, painting on the walls, screaming and flinging it everywhere while talking about how great it is. That's America right now and its disgusting, we are a joke to the rest of the world.

I'm seriously considering if things get really bad here that maybe we need to leave America. I would hate to leave but if this place because Nazi Germany then we need to leave.

Literally as I finish this blog entry "People are Good" comes on by Depeche Mode, a perfect song representation of how I feel. Are people good? I don't know, I want to believe we can be, but until I see that I need to do what is best for me and my family and protect those I love.

60 Days Sober

Yesterday I earned my 60 day chip at my local CMA (Crystal Meth Anonymous) meeting, I am proud of myself but also feel like I have such a long way to go. I am being extremely hard on myself because of my last relapse during Hurricane Helene. I convinced myself that I could use once a year and it not be a big deal, so I ended up getting an 8-ball which is way more than I ever got before and I ended up using for like a week and half. I started just before the hurricane hit and I felt off about doing it before then but once the power went out it was just extremely miserable, I started to feel sick and I wasn't drinking any water so I was extremely dehydrated. Jacob took me to the ER, I thought I was having a heart attack, I scared him and myself half to death and just writing about it and remembering it makes me feel like a horrible person. I never want to put Jacob through that again, ever. I got some fluids in me at the ER so I felt better, HOWEVER I was basically harassed by some lady and her family in the ER. I don't know what was going on, I was coughing a lot and tried to stay away from everyone but she was giving me a death stare. I honestly think she was just trying to fuck with me and it worked because at some point she was talking out loud about me and I told the doctor I was leaving after I got my fluids because I don't feel safe around someone who is gonna literally stare at me for 15 minutes straight like a psycho. I did the right thing because as soon as I left the ER that crazy bitch and her family got in to a car and were searching around the parking lot for me trying to harass me further. I have no idea why, people these days are fucking psychotic, that's all I've got to say. We spent the next few days at Darren's place and I felt horrible being like that there. I want to share this because I want to remember and never forget it, the last time I did it was so traumatizing not just to me but I never want to put Jacob or anyone else through that again.

When I started recovery again this time I decided to be very hard on myself, my anger has been fueling me to stay on track. However, now being at 60 days clean time I don't know if its making me hate myself or if this is how I've always felt after years and years of being told that I am not good enough. Literally the first time I can remember people being cruel to me was the kids in pre-school and its never stopped all the way to up to current day. I have always never been good enough for people and when you have heard it for so long eventually you start to believe it on some level and I guess for me I tried to numb myself so I didn't have to deal with those thoughts and feelings. Its been very hard, the last two days have been rough, been having horrible cravings and also two moments where I was questioning reality if what I was seeing or feeling was real. At the beginning of the year I binged for six days straight and started to hear voices and see people that weren't there, I had a psychotic break I believe and since then I have moments where I question if this is reality or not. Its fucking scary, in those moments I just have to sit down usually with Jacob or anyone to help pull me back.

I am scared that if I am kinder to myself I will forget and end up falling down the same hole again, I don't want that. I didn't want to have a sponsor when I started up the 12 steps again because I liked SMART Recovery unfortunately they have no meetings here in Gainesville, however I have softened to the idea of having a sponsor, but I will say if I have one it has to be someone I feel comfortable with because if its someone I don't jive with then its not gonna work. Thats just how I feel honestly so next week I may ask and see what happens. I am just scared of being rejected if I do ask, the last time I was in a 12 Step Program was with NA and those people kept telling me "you need to get a sponsor or you are gonna use again and this time its gonna be with a needle". It was very belittling and I hated it, I asked everyone and no one wanted to sponsor me including the ones telling me I needed to get a sponsor so basically in my mind everyone there was just an asshole. Sorry but don't tell me to look for something when no one wants to do it. Just shut your fucking mouth and not say anything at all, but thats just how I feel about people who do that. I really hope that doesn't happen again at the the CMA meeting because I am starting to feel comfortable with the people there. I'll write about what happens.

I was really phobic about giving a 12 Step another shot after what happened at the NA meeting I went to, the other issue I had was basically someone said to me that "you need to accept Jesus as your higher power or you are gonna relapse again". That instantaneously turned me off, I have been extremely phobic of the Christian faith and its only become worse in recent years with how crazy people have become. But so far I haven't felt like anyone is trying to convert me in to becoming a born again Christian because that will never fucking happen. I will never join a religion where sharing "God's Love" is basically hating on people who won't convert to your ways. Yea no I am good.

Flat Tire, Opening Track and AI

Yesterday we had to call Triple A because the tire on the back of our car was deflated. We put air in it on Thursday after we drove home from Thanksgiving but it was flat by the time we checked it the next morning. I think we somehow got a nail stuck in the tire, no idea if that happened while we were in town or when we drove down to New Port Richey. We got some new tires at Goodyear near by us, Heather was super helpful.

Started working on what I think is going to end up being the opening track for my next album, the name for the track is going to be "Relapse. Rinse. Repeat.", I want the track to feel like its starting and stopping over and over kind of like relapsing when you start over to get better and then fuck up and use again but in song form. That is how I want the album to open because that is where I have been the last few years, saying I will get sober and then secretly thinking "oh I can do it again and then I will stop" but it never does until you put your foot down and take it seriously. So far the only thing I have is drums and a bass guitar and sequencer bass line but I like it thus far.

We are currently watching "afrAId", I don't hate AI, I believe it should exist but I honestly believe that a lot of people see AI as a way to not use their brains anymore and just do the work for them. Instead of sitting down with a paint brush they write something in to a search box and the AI makes the art for them and they claim THEY made the artwork, not the AI. It pisses me off. Also I see the Human Race just using AI to do jobs they don't want to do and eventually pissing it off, we should know better but we don't. If I ever end up having kids I would want to parent them, I wouldn't want to have a machine do it, no offense to the machine but I want to do the work. I think a lot of parents just give a child an IPad and then let them do whatever, not me. The movie is good so far, if I hate the movie I'll let you know in my next post.

Goodbye Social Media, Getting back on the Horse and Dustin Studios

Hey everyone, its been since August of 2023 but I am back. Lets give some updates on what has been going on, I pretty much quit social media so I don't have Facebook on my phone. I just use Messenger to keep in touch with friends and that's about it. I did this mainly because my stress levels were out of control and all I ever see on social media anymore is just constant negativity and while it makes sense these days now that Trump will be back in office, it was negative before that. Like all I see is people posting about how horrible human beings are being to each other and it just makes me hate everyone and hating the human race is just exhausting. I haven't forgotten but its just better for me not to see how horrible its become, I can't focus on that. I can only control me and my own like, I can't control others so I am not gonna worry about other people, if the human race wants to destroy itself then I will just sit back and eat popcorn but I am gonna have my own peace without that shit.

Besides all of that crap, around my birthday I relapsed after 8 months sober, I pretty much convinced myself that I could maybe use once a year like I used to do and it not being a big deal...well I was fucking wrong. I ended up getting an 8 ball which I have never gotten that much before and I was up for a week and half...ended up in the hospital from extreme dehydration, scared myself and my boyfriend half to death, and now I am just extremely angry at myself. I have just reached 2 months sober and I am STILL angry at myself about it, but I feel like that anger is fueling me, it reminds me of what I did because I don't want to forget. To keep myself in check I have started going to a CMA meeting (Crystal Meth Anon) and even though most times I don't feel like going I do go because I need to, I feel like its helping and I am starting to get in to it. I feel like I've talked to death about me getting sober on here and I keep falling back in to it. I am tired of that repetition and making promises and breaking them so I am not gonna do that now, I am gonna prove it with action, not words that I want to remain sober.

Back in January of 2024 I decided as part of my recovery I needed to give myself something to do, something that drives me and something that I love to do so I started making videos on my YouTube Channel again. I changed the name from Everlasting Zero Productions because it was such a long name, also I felt it was time to just embrace the name I used when I was growing up "Dustin Studios" because mainly its always me making videos, editing them and such so I resurrected it. We started Bears on the Coast and A Word from Dustin back up while also making new shows such as Chicken Chat, Questionable Questions and Burning Down the House with Jacob. I love it and while I need short breaks from it sometimes I do enjoy doing it and it does give me something to do. I didn't feel like I was ready at the time to make new music, and right now it still feels pretty raw for me to make music however since I seriously started recovery again I have been writing lyrics and music and I am happy with what is coming out even if its dark.

So I have said probably a thousand times that I am gonna be posting more on here, this time I plan to actually keep to that. Since I am not using social media I need a place to share about my life and whats going on and I feel like "hey, why not come back on here and do that" so you will see me posting once again on here more regularly. I am looking forward to sharing things and being way more honest because since I've started getting sober I just share whats on my mind and I honestly don't give a fuck. This is how I feel, this is my personal space, if you don't like how I feel then leave. I am not apologizing for myself anymore.

Closure, Trust & Vacation

Its been a few months, I switched from Chrome to Opera and forgot about Blogger since its not on my Speed Dial. Now it is, so lets catch up!

I'm finally reaching some sense of closure with my ex-friends, I used to look at our friendship with joy and in some ways I still look at the good moments that way but I realize now the way they treated me at the end was not good and I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was. I did everything I could to go out of my way for them and I just need to find better people I guess. I've started to revisit The Division 1 and Destiny 1 and while it feels weird because those games gave me so many good memories with them I feel a sense like I can finally let go of those feelings and move on without them.

Despite all of that I have been distancing myself from people, I am just scared of being hurt lately so I kind of just not engage with anyone besides Jacob and Michael. This goes for meeting friends and a potential third for our relationship. Maybe all I need is time to feel comfortable again but right now I just don't trust anyone and these days with how crazy people act trust is hard to find.

Me and Jacob will be flying in a few days to California, we are picking up his stuff in storage and then road tripping back here. I am super excited and I will be filming the experience both for Bears On The Coast and also the music video for Perfect from my latest album "Continue". This is my first trip real vacation and trip with Jacob so I am very excited for that.

3 Months Sober, Return to Guild Wars 2 and Dealing with Self Doubt

About six days ago was my third month being sober, it feels weird honestly. Like I recognize this is how I used to be but its feel strange and I am just not used to it. Its almost overwhelming to be honest, like theirs moments where I can't handle being with me but I push through it or I climb in to bed and just let it ride its course. But I am proud of making to 3 months at this point.

I've started to play Guild Wars 2 again, that was my first MMORPG so it holds a close place in my heart and it feels like going back home, the game still holds up to this day. Its really good, I wish the game could be played with controller. That is my only criticism of the game, now if only I can find some people to play with.

Other than that everything here has been kind of a blur, I've taken some time off from promoting my music because I feel very overwhelmed by the response to it. Also I feel a lot of self doubt about my work so I am just trying to not listen to that. I am gonna try to finish another music video for the album if I can.

This is Fine, I love Roaches crawling on my Crotch...

Been a little while since I updated, got a new computer. My old one finally died so we had to replace her, got a HP Omen 25L which has been working for the most part. Beside the blue screen of death 2 days ago its been working fantastic, I have yet to install any of music software on it and it will probably be some time till I install it. Thinking about getting a laptop just for my music creation at this point so I can take it with me wherever I go and maybe I can do live shows with it being portable. Anyways that will be a ways off.

Last night was the final straw for me, to say I have been stressed out the last few months barely does it justice and the thing I have been stressed about is the amount of Palmetto Bugs we have seen in the apartment. We have seen between one to three a day in the apartment and its just been increasing, and last night it boiled over for me when one crawled up on to the bed, under the blanket and then crawled my leg while I was sleeping. I am extremely scared and phobic of those fucking bugs and this was the last fucking straw for me. Michael says he wants to get someone to come and treat the apartment to keep them out, I think its a bigger problem then that. I honestly believe the apartment building is infested and I wish the people who owned the apartment gave a bigger shit but it seems they don't. They act like the dog in the burning room "This is fine". Its not for me and I refuse to live like this. No one should have to.

So lets hope that gets resolved soon, I need to start promoting Continue again but been unable to do that between the Roach Motel being at full capacity and that stressing me the fuck out and also setting up the new computer.