Perfect, Kaleidoscope 10th Anniversary & Comfortable with Me

Woke up this morning with craving, pretty strong ones. Distracting myself with music production at the moment. Not sure what I did but apparently my track Perfect has been getting traction online, its being noticed and I love that. I am very happy something I made is resonating with people, originally I had written that song for a guy named Allister who basically because a complete psycho but I now see that song written for my partner Jacob. I want to do a music video for the track but all of the ideas I have for the music video are probably too expensive and I am thinking maybe just do a video with me and Jacob together in shots, showing our love for each other and then just performing the track. In the meantime I also want to do a video for either Everlasting Nothing or Love Is A Sickness. Not sure which one yet but I will figure it out soon enough.

My third album Kaleidoscope is turning 10 years old this year so I plan on releasing a special edition of the album that has unreleased tracks as well as remixes before the end of 2023 after I am finished promoting Continue. Here are all the songs that were unreleased but created during the Kaleidoscope Sessions:

After I posted The Long Road Ahead I went back to the very beginning of my blog and started to read it and spent the whole night reading blog entries. It kind of opened my mind to things I had since forgotten or blocked out of my mind and honestly things weren't as bad as I seem to remember. Things feel really bad now because of me trying to get sober but honestly I am hopeful for once and I feel like I really got this and I am learn more about myself from my posts and becoming more comfortable with me.

The Long Road Ahead

Been doing a good job of keeping shit to myself, not anymore. I need to let this shit out and I am gonna start writing blog posts more often. I can't do this on Facebook because for some reason people think that Facebook is just meant to show a perfect version of you that has no issues and everything is sunshine and rainbows. Life is white, black and gray, its not just one color. I am doing this for me and not anyone else so if someone gets offended that is their own issue. I need to do what is best for my mental health.

As of April 9th I will be 2 months sober from Methamphetamine, I binged for six days straight, didn't sleep and ended up going in to psychosis and almost losing my mind and that was it for me. Since then I've had nightmares, panic attacks and disturbing thoughts and dreams from time to time. I guess that will be permanent which is fine, I probably deserve it. No one deserves it but I should have been stronger, I should have done more. I know putting myself down won't help and honestly it just makes me feel worse about myself so lets move forward. I am proud of myself so far getting to 2 months, I want to stay off of the shit forever at this point. Its gone on for way too long and I can't go back but I can go forward and build a life without it.

Speaking of nightmares, I had one today, and it was extremely disturbing so trigger warning if anyone has any issues with suicidal thoughts. I am not suicidal, I am scared of getting hurt much less hurting myself but I had a horrible dream where me and my partner had a huge fight and I said "if you are gonna keep yelling at me then maybe we shouldn't be together", he walked off after I said that and I went to go find him and he had a revolver in his mouth and he shot himself in front of me. I started to scream and I woke up screaming and sweating like crazy and my partner put his arms around me while I cried and I hugged him close because I was scared it really happened. Again, probably one of the horrible side effects of using Meth. I hope this isn't permanent and if it is I will see what I can do if anything to lessen these dreams because I find them extremely disturbing and upsetting.

Today we had the Landlord's partner come over because our sink in the kitchen started leaking and I mean like a waterfall coming through the wall kind of leak. The plumber who came by last week replaced the pipe but left the wall completely open and we've had roaches and palmetto bugs pretty much showing up around and I am phobic of those bugs. They scare the shit out of me, so I wanted the wall closed. He came over today and first thing he noticed and addressed was not the sink but that this was a one bedroom apartment and me and Jacob living here was probably not legal and he basically went on and on about it to the point where honestly it stresses me out just thinking about it. If he needs to increase rent that is fine, Jacob is cool with that. If he kicks us out then we will find another place but what we are not doing is seperating. Michael, Jacob and myself are all chosen family and we will not abandon each other. It just really annoyed me because the landlord knows we've all be living here. I have been here for 11 years and Jacob, my partner moved in with me about 2 years ago and Michael has been here for 19 years. So its not like he didn't know we were here, but I guess his partner didn't know. I have no idea. I am just sick to my stomach with worry about what is going to happen. Anyone who has read my previous posts will know that I was homeless in NYC years ago and I have PTSD from that so today I was freaking out over being put in that situation again.

My therapist also switched to a different job so they put me with some new person at Meridian and well, she closed out with "we are gonna help you learn the skills within 12 months so you can go out on your own and function amongst society". Gurl, mental illness isn't a cold, here in Florida the Mental Health system is a joke. They will see you for a year and then discharge you like suddenly you are cured and you don't have depression or bipolar anymore. Its gone, you are cured. Its ridiculous so sadly I am not seeing anyone since they are the only choice here in Gainesville for mental health services and my hope is when we move from Florida I can find a new therapist where ever we move to and that state will probably have better mental health services.

With all of that I have been stressed out, trying keeping my shit together while also ignoring cravings and to say its been rough is a barely scratching the surface of how I feel right now.

I am scared to share how I feel about anything for the last several years online or on Facebook where most of the people I talk to are. Honestly I don't think they would care how I feel, how I am doing or if I were here or not. Thats sad to say but honestly they are online friends and I barely know any of them and I have tried to make friends. Its not like I don't try, but maybe I just suck at doing that because when I try I usually get ignored or treated like some piece of shit that is less than dirt and I just don't know what to do and the last thing I want is to yell and scream at people for being terrible human beings all the time. Its not my job to police people on their bad behavior which is why I have stopped doing my humor videos called "A Word From Dustin" because honestly it makes me feel like shit and stresses me out. No one should be as stressed and worried as I am but I am literally a walking and talking ball of stress and I hope by blogging again more regularly I can get this shit out, process it and help better myself and hopefully get completely sober long term.

Its Been Awhile...

Its been a while since I've done this, not sure why I stopped. I probably got distracted, got lost in my thoughts, got lost in my head. Anyways, my therapist believes I should try journaling and I'd rather Blog so here we are again.

I have a boyfriend now, Jacob. We started talking back in November of 2020 and we started dating on January 15th, 2021. He's been amazing, truly someone I can see spending the rest of my life with. I think its funny how long it took for me to actually get a boyfriend. 11 years, wish I had met him sooner.

I had the weirdest dream last night, I was back in Highschool and I was around all the people who bullied me for a majority of my childhood. I kept thinking the whole time I was in the dream "who's gonna say something, who's gonna come at me" so I felt on edge the whole time. I haven't ever dreamed about my childhood to be honest probably since back in 2007. I've blocked it out of my mind but maybe the reason its coming up now is because I've started to take the album "Remnants" and remaster and rework it for an official release. I looked up what it could mean, clearly its a stress/anxiety dream but also more interesting is it is probably a dream about unresolved childhood issues. To this day I believe I am always on guard because of being picked on in school and thats probably why I am so guarded. I just don't trust people.

Also in the dream when they did start picking on me and it got to be too much I grabbed a screwdriver from somewhere and stabbed the kid that was picking on me. Everyone screamed and freaked out and I said "this is what happens when you push someone too far". I would never do that in real life but it was kind of scary that I would have to resort to that extreme. I never want to resort to violence.

I'm still having struggles with staying sober from Meth, I had relapsed before a family trip back at the end of May and that was mainly because of the stress of quarantine was finally getting to me. On my birthday last month though I offered a friend a place to stay because he got released from the psych ward and was feeling vulnerable and I wanted to be a good friend and give them a place to stay and also just be there for them. They came over and everything was fine until my boyfriend fell asleep and I went to go check on them and I found them shooting up in Michael's bedroom. I was distraught and wanted to go wake up Jacob immediately. They told me if I kept it between us that they would give me some, I said no and went to go wake up Jacob but I stopped myself and rationalized it instead as "oh its my birthday I can do whatever I want" and I relapsed then so I am currently at 17 days sober so while its a set back I also realize what I did wrong and that I need to keep people who do Meth far far away from me. I can't have that around me at all.

I think that is everything for now. I am gonna try to make a better effort to start doing this again. Its kind of crazy that my blog from all those years ago is still here. I would like to continue this and I hope it helps me. Until next time!

Just For Today

As of next Monday, I will be 13 weeks Sober. This is the most time I have spent being sober in over six years and its really foreign to me, part of me feels like myself but then I have a lot of moments in between where I just lose all my confidence, all of my hope, and it feels like I am gonna break. I am suppose to take it easy on myself yet I keep finding that the silence is deafening to me, I am used to working on music, playing video games or making videos to channel how I am feeling but every time I try to do that now I completely lose confidence in what I am saying and feeling and I just want to disappear. Not disappear in a die sort of way, I mean like I am lesser than anyone else and I know that isn't true and it just overwhelms me. I feel it coming over me as I write this blog post, I am not sure of myself and I am scared that everything I am doing is wrong. Obviously that can't be true because I am still sober so that has to count for something I guess. Despite how lost I feel inside I am glad I haven't given in to cravings I have had or the depression or overwhelming thoughts that I just want to numb myself and feel better. I know its not better, I know its not normal. THIS is normal and I have to get used to that. I guess it just takes time, the problem for me is patience to which I don't have much of. I am doing my best though and that should be good enough. I realize that its probably for the best that I don't write music because honestly I am going in every direction right now, I am an emotional mess and while it may seem like I am holding it together to people online, I am just doing my best to get through each day. Trying to focus on "just try to get through the next hour" and "just get through today." I used to believe that 12 Step shit was bullshit until I actually realize how much importance "One day at a time" means to me, that is literally how I am getting through these days right now. This is uncharted territory for me now, getting past 3 months has been a mountain for me, I am happy I am finally gonna get past it but also scared because I have no idea what lies forward and I don't want to focus on my future much right now because I honestly can't handle it yet. All I know is that I want to live, I want to stay alive, I want to one day return to music and I want to do some things I haven't done yet. I have a chance to do that now, but first thing first, just for today, one day at a time.

Void Of Axis: The First Era 07>17

Its been 10 years since I started Void Of Axis, I didn't even realize it till a week ago. I can't believe I have been on this journey for that long, seems just like yesterday I found that old dusty Macbook Pro in my small Upper Westside Apartment that I had nothing to do in and so started to write music to pass the time. I never knew it would become something so important and would ultimately help me heal and keep me alive everyday. But it has, I looked back on all of the music I have created over the years, all telling a story, all showing me as a person evolving and growing and learning and taking a personal journey and sharing it with the world, opening my heart and wearing it on my sleeve. I decided yesterday why not release a collection of all the singles together on one package together and so I did that. It was fun to hear just how far I have come and see how my music and tone has evolved over the years, now I wonder if I will be doing this in another 10 years. I certainly hope I am still making music until my life ends, its how I see myself living. Its my job, my career to me and I've dedicated my life to it. I can't see it any other way and I hope more and more people will join me for this journey I am taking.

Check out The First Era 07>17, click here...

The Point Of It All - Music & Message

In 2014 I did a show at Oz Campground, its one of the few live performances I have done but at this particular performance a belligerent drunk yelled out towards the end of my set "Sing something happy". I have spent years being told by almost everyone that my music is too dark, depressing, and so on and so forth. The thing is, I feel comfortable writing from a place of melancholy, its easier to write from experience then from a place that is not where I am at. So I write whatever I am going through and take the negative energy of the situation and turn it in to music hoping to inspire a reaction in others. Whether that be feeling sad, angry, or better because they don't feel so alone that is up to the listener. I'd rather write music from a place thats real to me rather then try to write something happy because it sounds good. It wouldn't be authentic since thats not where my head is at, I have written songs like "Stars", "Eternal Love", and "I'm Not A DJ" which are upbeat songs and authentic because I was happy when I wrote them. Also I am not like most artists, I choose to write about things that are on the darker side of life just because that is where I have been most of my life and I think I have a very good understanding of it. I would rather do what my heart tells me to and this is what my heart wants me to do, I wish more people would understand that. Its almost like they get extremely offended that I am trying to "harsh their mellow" when in fact I want to connect with someone who is going through some rough patches themselves or has been through it already and remembers it and can reflect on it. That is what my music is about, its about making people think, questioning existence and trying to find a way to live regardless of all the pain we are put through. That is why I spent the last two years working on evolving my sound, when I first started music I wanted to do something very much like Trent Reznor, but as time went on people came in to my life and influenced the style of my music so it became lighter musically but darker lyrically. A sort of ying and yang which I very much believe in through out my music, but I feel it confused people hearing bright happy synthpop music with dark lyrics. I'm hoping the change in style to a more industrial rock sound which I wanted to do since 2009 will finally convey the message clearly. Sadly I have a huge issue when it comes to marketing myself, I don't know how to do it correctly and thats why I basically have no audience. Pushing myself to continue to post everyday links to the music, specifically the new EP since its the evolution of my sound to both dark sound and lyrics. Not sure why anyone would compare me to Britney Spears or Ke$ha when clearly my influences are Nine Inch Nails and Gary Numan if they actually took the time to hear the sound I am going for. Maybe its me, or maybe its the state of the music industry, either way i'll continue to share my music and hope my message will someday resonate with someone.

Restlessness & Getting Back to Work

Been very tired today, not really sure whats going on with my body. I've been avoiding everyone on Facebook, just needing space and I don't think anyone understands where I am in my mind. I am not happy with how I look and unless I get surgery to fix the problem I am just having to live with it. Anyways I slept for most of the day but did manage to upload the new EP to Soundcloud for streaming. Been thinking about what I want to do with this EP and the new album once its finished in a few months. I have been throwing around music video concepts for almost all of the tracks on the EP which is something I don't usually do. But since "Remnants" the album this is all from is to be my most personal and dark record because of this dark and difficult period of my life I kind of want to showcase where I have been for the last 2 years and really try to get the feeling visualized. Right now "Mare" and "Never Meant For Me" stand out visually and I will probably work on videos for both in the coming weeks. I hope more people check out my new EP, so far no one has purchased it and its been out for over a week. I am going to give it some more time and hope maybe the videos will help. I will leave the streamable music down below, please listen and enjoy the new sound for Void Of Axis for the time being.